4 Infuriating Posers & How To Deal With Them

If you’re anything like me, you’re on debilitating medication and more often than not struggling with the confines of your straight jacket. Merely because the world is as yet unable to fathom the greatness of your being and has shunned you from civilised society. But more likely, you’re nothing like me and have to live alongside the cretins that inhabit the earth, in fact you might be one of them.

So read on and learn how to identify and deal with 4 infuriating posers that one might encounter in the wide, open world.

4 – The Name Dropper

I’d venture this one to be the most common, by far. Primarily because to ascertain the veracity of such claims on the spot might be a tad difficult for the average person. The Name Dropper, as implied, drops the name of important or well known people in everyday conversation. They’re like insufferable little gnats that travel on the back of other animals. In essence they’re so insecure of their own selves that they rely on the acquaintance of famous individuals to cement their place in society, like scavengers. The more adept Name Dropper won’t say something as amateurish as ‘I know Mr. So and so’. Far be it from them, they’d say something more subtle like, ‘The other day while I was at Mr. So and so’s farm I spotted a…’ you get the idea. More often than not their stories are greatly exaggerated and they probably don’t even know the person they refer to.

Where they may be found: Anywhere at all, from mechanics to authors to politicians. They are known to be able to survive in most environments and can withstand large doses of humility without succumbing to it.

How to deal with, if encountered: Once you have expertly identified the Name Dropper amongst a crowd of people, be sure to stay within the conversational circle, lest you pass up a chance to bring them plummeting back to earth in a trail of fire and brimstone.

The safer approach would be just to ignore them, though with a pointedly pained and disdainful expression on your face to let them know that they have been found out and are greatly reviled. But if you live for thrills and adrenalin this next one might be for you. Mention how you’ve known the name droppee for many years and that the three of you should get together sometime in the near future. Bonus points if you actually do know that person. Watch the panic set in, and instant rescinding of what was said. ‘Oh did I say Mr. So and so? I meant Mr. Other dude who you hopefully won’t know’. This gives you what is known as the Infinite Loop of Embarrassment, you can either pursue humiliating your victim or lay back savouring a job well done.

The Infinite Loop when done right can result in finger pointing and braying laughter.

Be careful though, because the tables can be turned and you might wind up on the wrong side of the loop, only very skilled exponents of this technique should apply it in public settings.

3 – The Globe Trotter

Another pest that is perpetually threatening to soil our yards with their nonsensical verbal defecation. Like the Name Dropper, this one too feels inadequate without letting everyone know they have been to so and so place. It’s like a badge of honour having been abroad, one that must be shoved down everyone’s throat at the least opportunity. You can spot one by the faux air of culture and sophistication they weave around them like a bad smell. Their references are subtle, as when in a store they might exclaim, ‘Oh how darling, this very same dress costs ten times as much in London, you know… where I’ve just come back from.’ Or in an attempt to show how culturally rooted they are, ‘You know there’s nothing like chappal kebab, when I was in New York last month I was craving decent chappal kebab but it’s so strange they didn’t have any! How barbaric I tell you!’

Where they may be found: At most parties, dinners or random get together.

How to deal with, if encountered: I find that the easiest way to deal with such atrocities of nature is to play to their insecurities to the merriment of yourself, and hopefully, everyone around you. But be forewarned you need to be quick witted, or at least well prepared in advance, to see this one through.

Once they have cleverly mentioned where they have just come back from jump into the fray, throwing lefts and rights like a lawyer in a pacifist movement. Make up a fictitious place, but be sure it’s believable, Uranus has not only been done to death but is fairly obvious.

All the other planets would laugh at it during recess.

Say something like ‘Oh did you go to the Takeda Museum while in London?’ Wait for the panic to set in, either they’ll be truthful and say no, to which you can merely click your tongue and look at them reproachfully for having missed out the single greatest thing EVER! Or, which is quite likely, they’ll make an obscure reference to knowing of, or wanting to go see it but not having enough time. Or, and this would be ideal, they say that they have indeed been there and loved it.

This is precisely when you say ‘Oh! My mistake the Takeda Museum is in Japan, I just can’t keep track of these things… and you said you’d been to see it in London?’ See what I did there? Not only did you give the Globe Trotter their come-uppance but also discreetly insinuated that all this international travelling was too mundane for you to keep track of.

2 – The Faux Accent

This beast is a close relative of the Globe Trotter, and many a time the twain meet to produce a blasphemy the likes of which make you want to poke at your brain through your eye. Having been to the UK, the USA or wherever, they come back with a distinct accent that they refuse to lose even though that week in California was at least three years ago. Funnily enough, the English language may often take a back seat to the accent, atrocious grammar yet the nasally American pronunciation nevertheless! And what’s best is that EVERYONE knows they’re faking it! So if any of you pull accents like that please do your dignity a favour and go back to your pre vacation accent or at the very least try and not breathe our air.

Where they may be found: Generally this predicament affects those in their teens till early 20s. But if left untreated may carry on for life. So as a general rule of thumb in schools, colleges and places like Hot Spot, where they congregate.

How to deal with, if encountered: This one, though high on the list of annoyances, is fairly easy to combat. The most effective way is to outright call their bluff and ask them how they managed to develop a thick, near native accent in the space of their vacation? This applies even to those who went abroad for university. I personally know people who’ve lived amongst the fabled white creature for decades but still retain their Pakistani accents to this date.

Inni’ bruv? IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT!

If you find that resistance is dogged and stubborn I would recommend parroting and cruelly mimicking their accents, until they either break down in tears or you wake up after a weeklong coma, depending on who you were picking on. Terms like ‘inni bruv’ and basically any word where they exaggerate the ‘u’ can be used quite insultingly and hopefully chastise them into silence.

1 – The Pseudo Intellectual

Ah! And now we come to my favourite. These are a rarer species than the ones that came in earlier. But they are plentiful and crawl out of the woodwork when you least expect them. They generally dress in their best imitation of Hollywood college professors and erudite philosophers. So spotting them isn’t all too difficult, just look for the douchebag who’s trying to pass his or herself off as Professor Gerald Lambeau from Good Will Hunting.

That’s the smug bastard who birthed all these wannabe intellectuals.

They’ll quote Nietzsche, Hobbe and Locke while they expound upon their views on Nihilism and the cultural revolution as seen through the eyes of a Chinese peasant in 1682. You could be saying something as mundane as ‘I think I’m going to put this booger under this seat…’ and they’ll jump in with ‘You know that can be seen as an almost Freudian interpretation of your underlying scat fetish!’

Where they may be found: LUMS, primarily. It’s a breeding ground from what I hear.

How to deal with, if encountered: The best way would be like how Matt Damon’s titular character in Good Will Hunting does it, but most of us aren’t misunderstood geniuses with photographic memory. So the best way to deal with them is to employ an ancient technique that translated from the ancient Mesopotamian language means, ‘slap the shit out of them’.

Literally slap the sense into them while screaming ‘You merely memorised names and dates to fulfil the criterion of your miserable degree, but where is your learning? Do you have a single thought of your own or do you merely memorise interesting anecdotes and try to pass them off as your own?’

The Backhand: Solving the world’s problems since 531 BCE.

Or alternatively, if you have weak lungs, ‘Fuuuuuckkkkkkkk yooooouuuuuuuu!!!!’

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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6 Comments on “4 Infuriating Posers & How To Deal With Them”

  1. Kashan Shahid
    July 19, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    for people with weak lungs, i would still suggest the backhand. Solving the world’s problems since 531 BCE hahaha.

  2. July 11, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    I would just love to stab all of them 🙂

  3. Sameer
    July 5, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    hehe, now the “islooites” are pissed

  4. July 1, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    HAHA… wow.. two or three names come to mind.

  5. RAFIA KHAN
    July 1, 2011 at 1:18 am #

    LOL so true! Hilarious!!

  6. Natasha Shah Syed
    July 1, 2011 at 1:13 am #

    LOL LOVED this!

    and yes, to all the Faux Accent-ers & Pseudo Intellectuals: Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!

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