What matrimonial ads are really saying

Ah yes, marriage! That timeless institution where two separate, distinct halves come to together to form a hissing, arguing, passive aggressive whole. In short, love. It’s always been hard to find that other person with whom you can willingly spend the rest of your days. But with the advent of this new fad you kids are calling ‘the internet’ it’s become easier than ever before to find that one person who you shall cherish and care for above all else… at least until the honeymoon runs its course.

Here are some honest to goodness prospective grooms and their online postings to finding the perfect wife. Just as a note, I’ve always hated the term ‘life partner’ and now having been through these online marriage sites… I hate it all the more. And so we begin.

Bachelor # 1

Asalam-alikum

I am 28 years old in serch of a decent, sincere loyal co-operative life partner from Islamabad/Rawalpindi who may understand me. I have almost all qualities which a girl can Imagen in her life partner.

Obviously being able to spell isn’t very high on the prospective groom qualities. And apparently neither is humility, because he encompasses all you can imagine, or else our imaginations are severly limited. But you’ll note he’s aiming for understanding and surely that means he wants to develop a strong mental bond? That has to be a plus.

I am well educated having the Master Degrees of MBA an MA in English and i have a lot of Knowledge about almost everything.

Okay hold the phone! Somehow I don’t buy the MA in English bit. And you have a lot of knowledge about almost everything? Really? Can you tell how many fingers I’m holding up right now?

Spot on! Now, can you tell me which?

i have lot of things in mind for my future. so Can someone understand me i need an intelligent and good looking life partner in the journey of this hard life so-that the root of my destination could be easy ?

What the what, what, WHAT? The root of your destination? I don’t think anyone would understand that gibberish. Obviously the concept of stringing together words to form sentences is new to you.

This is fact that “There Is no Life without WIFE”………………………………………………………..i am waiting for you everyday dear

There is no life without… fuck me, what are you going to add next ‘Sharing is caring?’ ‘Churs is wurse?’ ‘Dekh magar pyar say?’ Something tells me you’re going to be waiting a long time. And that last bit’s just fucking creepy. It’s probably something Freddy Krueger would say to Nancy. Though the innumerable dot, dot, dots add that much needed dramatic flair.

My Height: 170.00 cm

My Body Type: Athletic

Ethnicity: Other

Email Address: dangerousmystery@hotmale.com

Ethnicity: Other? Like a fucking alien? Like those creatures from The Village? Is this Shyamalan? Am I being Punked? Also, you never gave us your name champ, so you get a few points deducted for that Mr. Know it all. If this is Mr. Right for some poor girl, bear in mind his first name is probably ‘Always’. 

No? Ha! You’re such a tease!

And I must say that’s a rather fetching picture you put up, though your expression looks a little glum, the blow dried puff adds a certain charisma. Also, the red, mehndi dyed hair shows he has a fun, creative side! He seems like the kind of guy who’d say ‘You’re mouth says no but your eyes say yes!’ as he proves to you he’s a real ginger (you do that by taking off your pants, if in case you were wondering).

Bachelor # 2

I AM 34 Y MALE WITH FAIR COMPLEXION AND HENDSOME MAN.

Are you getting all that potential brides? He’s two times the average man as he points out. And with the Caps lock writing style you can tell he means business. He’s a man who takes what he wants, when he wants. Plus as he mentioned he’s light skinned so… swoon!

EDUCATED 5 FEET 10 INCHES DONG.

Excuse me? Either it’s an unfortunate typo or he’s so gratuitously endowed that his gargantuan member has become the dominant personality. But this begs the question, can his dong read? Can it write? Can it recite the third act from King Lear? Questions, questions.

I NEED A LADY GIRL FOR FOR 2ND MARRIAGE ONLY. DAILY ROUTINE FIGTING SO NOW LOOKING NEW WIFE. LOOKING LIFE PARTNER FOR LIFE.

Glad he cleared that up, so no need to sort through all those application from ladies with penis’ (peni?) he would have gotten otherwise.  And does the term ‘life partner’ need an additional ‘life’ appended to it? It’s like saying ’34 year old male man’… and.. moving on…

FEMALE BE GOOD BEATIFUL DECENT COOKING. KIND NICE SWEET.

Well like I said he’s a no- nonsense man and he’s clear and direct about what he wants, so all you women who cook scantily clad are out of the running. He doesn’t seem the type to beat around the bush. But at least it’s just six requirements that could probably be met.

No, I’m totally messing with you because he goes on and on…

FAIR COMPLEXION TALL GOOD FAMILY. MASTERS NO JOB ONLY HOUSE. INNOCNT KIND DECNT PRETY.

WOAH! Easy there tiger we get the picture. Besides you’re beginning to repeat yourself. You might as well tell them what kind of dowry you want too. Oh, right…

NEEDS BRING UPS TV AC JUICER SOFA SET FRIDEGE

…. a juicer? He’s on about a/c’s and fridge’s and he includes a fucking juicer? Well you can tell he has his priorities right, the man loves him some freshly squeezed juice! While he watches TV laying back on the sofa set as the cool air conditioned breeze gently caresses him. Freeloading punk.

 That’s right! All this and more baby!

Waitaminute! The only thing fair complexioned in that picture is that ugly white suit! And with all that Caps lock talk I expected him to be a hulking brute with upturned moustaches and a scowling demeanour. All we get is a little shrimp with wickets for legs and the best ‘angry young man’ expression he can pull. Though on the plus side at least he shows us how he can tame that wild beast between his spindly legs, a portent of things to come perhaps? Rowrrr!!!

Bachelor # 3

Hello you sexy beast you!

He starts off with his picture, so that’s a good thing. Though I can imagine those eyes visually raping every female in sight. And he’s got that failed 80’s mullet thing going, I guess we can work with that. Though that tie he’s got on, it has to go.

Hi, I am an educated jahanzeb and has a good job in a private multinational company,

An educated Jahanzeb? And all this time I never knew they came in different types. Silly me.  Like Barbie? Can we get an Afro  Jahanzeb? How about a Malibu Jahanzeb? Oh, oh are there any Bubblecut Jahanzebs?

i have good salary and faimli values. looking for decent and good looking girls NO MATTER from which class she blongs.i don’t care age location. i need nothing but a good wife. Only good wife.

Well that’s awfully decent of you. This prospective suitor is looking like quite the catch. He makes good money and hails from a decent family. And sure he wants a pretty girl, but what male can say otherwise? So no harm done. Also he has none of that classist, ethnic bias which is always a plus. Age, location, ethnic background, none of these matter! How great and open minded is that?

And he’s mentioned ‘good wife’ twice, I imagine the second one said a breath lower with a sincere look in his eyes and a slight, wistful shake of his head. Bit dramatic, but he seems like a romantic and good wholesome guy.

track will be simple Friendship for better understanding and then merrage. if you are interested then directly send your cell no.i don’t want to waste time of either party.

Again that’s just great! He seems like he’s got his head screwed on right, he wants both sides to get to know each other so that they don’t make any mistakes they might regret later. And he’s considerate enough not to want to waste anyone’s time.

Wants honest good relationship of understandings love and friendships.

Yes, yes! Oh please yes! Take me, take me now!

AAAAAAHHH!!! This is too good to be true!!

Only Rajput faimli send girls cell no. only uk ,canada ,itly ,france city female conttact with me.

…You filthy fucking liar.

 

 

You can read the follow up to this article, where we get to know our candidates on a more personal level, here.

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Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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11 Comments on “What matrimonial ads are really saying”

  1. March 4, 2013 at 11:13 pm #

    ROFL. Stop now. Hahaha. No seriously stop it. Bwahaha. Wait a sec. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. The author is not a girl. A joke with layers. Genius. ‘Still on the floor’.

  2. Sabs
    June 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Too damn funny….well-put! 😉

  3. MK
    September 22, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    extremely funny..only thing i disagree with is you putting up their pics like that, doesn’t go too well..you may want to consider removing the pics. every shadi type site usually has some privacy note. just saying.

  4. Saeed
    September 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

    Brilliant! They deserve the verbal bashing but…I feel you were a little light handed with the whip!
    Throughly enjoyed reading though!

  5. August 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    hahahahah! This is hilarious. Truly brilliant journalism.
    Where in the world did you find these ‘loverly’ men?!

  6. SULTAN
    July 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    You’re cruel. I can only empathize with the buggers! I LOVE YOUR BLOGS THOUGH!

  7. Kashan Shahid
    July 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    : ) maybe his complexion was contrasting with his fine white suit

    • SULTAN
      July 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

      Maybe your contrasting with your fine suit! heehee : )

  8. July 16, 2011 at 1:55 am #

    brilliant stuff Ali…i love the spite you write with, although our bachelor number 1 blessed us with his email address…and a domain name i am guessing he invented…Dangerousmystery@hotMALE.com…how could you miss that?…or maybe it was overloaded with potential ammunition and had you overwhelmed?!

  9. Alliya
    July 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    too good Ali

  10. Najaf
    July 8, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    hahahhahahha….very funny

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