4 bizarre uses for breast milk

Human kind has always found new and exciting ways of attaching utility to items that already possess, well, a utility. This is akin to your neighbourhood ass pirate finding intimate uses for that old Sure Deo stick his sister never got rid of, or your fridge housing water filled 1.5 liter bottles that once held soft drinks reserved for the odd guest who would happen to swing by your house.

It seems we are, as a race, hell bent upon extracting the most out of whatever promises a degree of utility. And then we find new ways of applying that utility to some other avenue, whether that application makes sense or not, beyond the realm of logic and reasoning. I’m sure you get the idea. If not, well, here’s a few applications of breast milk I hadn’t heard of… until now. Just thought I’d share the enthusiasm.

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# 4 – They’re making cheese out of it

Sure, the idea of a mother breast feeding her child is natural and beautiful and possibly erotic, if one can manage a sneak peek of the feeding titty… but there are some things even perverts like me would consider a push into the elite spectrum of the “weird”.

Recently, an NYU art student’s installation presented cheese made from human breast milk, targeting “the adventurous eater”. It’s called the Lady Cheese Shop. Miriam Simun [art student extraordinaire] who aims to raise ethical questions on the use of modern biotechnologies, stated that “Cheese is a conversation starter…”; yes Miriam, and so are boobs.

Sure, Miriam, sure. I bet half the guys reading this are thinking what the kitchen in that cheese shop looks like. For those of you who are actually wondering, no, there aren’t any scantily clad ladies on conveyor belts in the back room… Simun simply found 3 nursing ladies who were willing to have their milk turned into cheese, then learned the basics of cheese making, and viola! That’s kind of like finding 3 guys who get paid to have their crap turned into fertilizer. In such instances, art is synonymous with agriculture.

I guess the thing that freaked me out the most was the variety on display… there was WestSide Funk [the breasts in question were listening to James Brown during the milking], Midtown Smoke [this was for the Cheech & Chong enthusiast], and Wisconsin Chew… the taste of which “reflected the vegetable filled diet of the woman who provided it’s milk”… I’m willing to wager they milked Joaquin Phoenix for that one. I swear I’m not making this up… except for maybe the bit about Joaquin Phoenix.

You go, girl!

To really get the pulse on how fucking apeshit people have gone about their idea of utility, one sampler said “I know more about the source of this food than going into a supermarket and picking up Cheddar cheese. I don’t know what they pumped into that cow.” Yes, reduce this to a science, why don’t you… makes you think what “organic” will really mean in the future.

An installation where the idea is to make people think about the various ways human bodies can be used as factories, where produce can be harvested for use by others, can sometimes, just sometimes, have the propensity of going horribly wrong… in fact, it downright freaks you out.

Especially when the artist extraordinaire describes the experience as “You’re putting it in your mouth… there’s something really visceral about that.”

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# 3 – Fuck the cheese, they’re even making ice cream out of it!

You really thought we were kidding, didn’t you? Well, this is the kind of shit the Globe Trotter will mention to you at a party when you’re happily jazzing your liver with cheap gin and tonic, wishing for the simpler things that life has to offer… and then, zang! Enter your average Globe Trotter and their experience with “Baby Gaga”… no, this isn’t your neighbourhood ass pirate dressed up in drag peddling romance for 2 bucks a pop… this is the new, avant garde ice cream they’re selling at ice cream shops in London’s Covent Garden. In fact, Lady Gaga’s already filed suit against the establishment, threatening to screw them into bankruptcy [possibly with a fleshy strap-on].

Lady Gaga / Baby Gaga… what similarity?

Founder Matt O’ Connor [no relation to Sinead O’ Connor, since she’d have his ass on platter for doing this to motherhood] sells this stuff at 14 GBP a serving… I know people who have taken entire breasts home for as cheap as a dinner date.

Victoria Hiley, who hails from London, was one of the women who was the production unit for this Mammary Milk Plant. Victoria has ideas… some really smart ideas on how to sit on your ass and make money for getting knocked up. She says “What could be more natural than fresh, free-range mother’s milk in an ice cream? And for me it’s a recession beater too — what’s the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?”

Well, Victoria, first explain “free range”. This is the stuff locker room gags are made of.

Secondly, please propose this great recession beating idea to David Cameron… I’m sure he’ll be interested. With teenage pregnancy in the UK at a staggering 38.2 per 1,000 girls aged 15-17, England, your financial woes are history! Call me a prude, but hey, last I checked there was some sanctity [or sanctitty] in the idea that breast milk is from mother to child. Or from Cambodian mother to P-Diddy.

Breast milk you make my day-ay!

Thirdly, while we’re discussing assets Victoria, did you know if you cut half of your liver off, it’ll grow back to its original size in some time?

I hear Thailand is great this time of year, if you don’t mind waking up in a tub filled with ice.

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# 2 – Momma is now a cow

Ok, I agree where this may not entirely fall into the category of “utility” this is still pretty freaky… and who better to do it than the craziest bastards around? Yep, you guessed it… whether it’s reverse engineering Black Hawk helicopters, or making Spiderman action figures with breasts, the Chinese have the market cornered.

Some guys at the State Key Laboratory of Agrobiotechnology [China Agricultural University] woke up one day and decided that watching old Bugs Bunny reruns [this being the year of the rabbit and all] wasn’t Chinese enough… somehow. So they decided to pump some unsuspecting cow embryos with human DNA. Then they transferred them into surrogates. What they achieved was nothing short of a miracle… human breast milk that tasted better… but only that it came from cows.

Of course, there is the trivial element of genetic modification when it comes to the milk, and Greenpeace has consistently attacked the credibility of the Chinese dairy industry’s supervision and inspection processes. A few people even seem to worry about the cow’s health.

Bah! What the fuck do they know?

Would you buy from this cow?

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# 1 – Ladies, forget the MACE

This one’s brilliant… in fact, it’s so brilliant that it almost makes me want to start watching reality shows like COPS all over again, for that 5 minute fix of seeing a scrawny hick getting his shit kicked in by a bunch of well armed, burlesque, well meaning police officers, calling him “sir” while they dog him to the ground and hog-tie him.

Every once in a while, someone gets their own back. Moments like those bring a tear and a smile to the faces of all y’all folks out there, from Arkansas to the Glades. Or Ohio.

Yep… Arkansas…

Stephanie Roberts, a 30 year old woman from Ohio, stood up to the challenge and proved that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… especially if she’s lactating. And pissed off. And drunk.

Her husband had complained that she had started fighting with him during a wedding, then proceeded to hit him a few times, and then locked herself in a car. When the cops came, all well armed, and burlesque, and well meaning, she told them to go fuck themselves… in so many words, at least.

Well, cops do what cops do best, and went about the task of taking young Miss Roberts out of the car… fair warning she gave indeed in the guise of telling them that she was a breast feeding mother. While this was probably still registering with the boys in blue, Stephanie reached inside her shirt to pull out her “nine”, in order to “bust a cap” in the deputies’ asses… for effect, we would urge you to visualize this in slow motion. She sprayed the shit out of the cops with breast milk.

There is a hero in all of us.

You show ’em Stephanie! You show ’em bastards!

The cops subsequently arrested Roberts for her questionable conduct.

Maybe she could have sold them some ice cream instead.

Fuck it, I’ll stick to Reno 911.

Abdul Qadir

Jesus man! You don’t look for acid! Acid finds you when ‘it’ thinks you’re ready.

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4 Comments on “4 bizarre uses for breast milk”

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