Misadventures in chat romance

Recently we did an article on men placing matrimonial ads online to find themselves suitable brides. A lot of people took umbrage at the fact that we left them in a sort of limbo at the conclusion of the article. How could decisions be reached on the perfect match without actually conversing with the suitors? So it only made sense that we see this through to the end. It’d be a good idea to read through the previous article if you haven’t done so before… actually even if you have. It’ll make for better continuity. You can read it here.

Reaching into the recesses of my subconscious I pulled out an old persona and dusted it off for use. I dubbed her Sultry Sara and gave her an email and facebook account. (On a separate note in the few days of her existence she’s made more friends on facebook than I could ever hope to have). With all the bases covered and 583 friends to attest to her existence my courting of the 3 potential matches could now begin. Though in hindsight the facebook thing seems an exercise in futility because I didn’t need it after all. We stuck to good ol’ messengers and chat.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bachelor # 1

I found out his name was Ahmed and after a few email’s sent back and forth we set up a chat date.

Ahmed: Asalam alikum dear

Sultry Sara: Hey Ahmed how are you?

Ahmed: I am perfect how is you?

Sultry Sara: Well can’t say I’m perfect but I guess I’m alright.

Not many of us are after all.

Ahmed: You mention in the emails you are lives in Islamabd? I am wanting life partner from there.

Sultry Sara: Yeeeaah… let’s not get ahead of ourselves shall we? So you mentioned that you’re knowledgeable about a lot of things?

Ahmed: i am having the two two degrees. Have lot of knowledge about lot of things in this world from books and not books also.

Sultry Sara: ‘not books’?

Ahmed: I hve the leranings from real life practical life experiences.

Sultry Sara: That’s interesting, the hubris is a bit off putting but oh well.

Ahmed: you are having the questions for me?

Sultry Sara: … well no, not really…

Ahmed: ask me anything i knows lot of things

Sultry Sara: umm… okay, if you insist. Umm… oh jeez… ummm… okay what’s anti-matter?

Ahmed: In particle physics, antimatter is the extension of the concept of the antiparticle to matter, where antimatter is composed of antiparticles in the same way that normal matter is composed of particles.

Sultry Sara: ….. okay you just copy pasted from Wikipedia!

The modern day Oracle of Delphi.

Ahmed: no!!!1! I knows lot of things i learning from books and real life worldly wise expereinces

Sultry Sara: No! You totally copied that from Wikipedia! Look you even left in the hyperlinks!

Ahmed: are you calling me liar? I has studied this in my two masters and one PHD

Sultry Sara: You didn’t even have a Ph.D a moment ago! Do you even know what Ph.D stands for?

Ahmed: Doctor of Philosophy, abbreviated as PhD, Ph.D., DPhil or D.Phil. (for the Latin philosophiae doctor or doctor philosophiae), in English-speaking countries, abbreviated as Dr. Phil. or similar in several other countries,[1] is a postgraduate academic degree awarded by universities.

Sultry Sara: Okay you have to stop doing that! I know you’re copying from Wikipedia.

Ahmed: no dear you are copying from the Wikipedias

Sultry Sara: … wtf?

Ahmed: I am writer for the Wikipedia i write everythings in it so at the root of the cause of the destination of the Wikipedia knowledge is the magnanimity of endeavours in the ubiquitous life of hardships.

Sultry Sara: … that makes absolutely no sense!

Ahmed: lol! Its okay its not for understandings of the girls. This for mens mind only.

Sultry Sara: … jerk

*Sultry Sara is offline.

Ahmed: dear?

Ahmed: Is waiting for you dear…

Ahmed: Maybe you go twoilit i will wait…

Ahmed: ………

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bachelor # 2

Bachelor number 2 had also not provided his name, which as it turns out was Amir. Having failed miserably at finding love with Ahmed I sought him out next.

Amir: HI I AM AMIR

Sultry Sara: Hi Amir

Amir: ….

Sultry Sara: ….

Amir: …..

Sultry Sara: Sooo…. 😛 how’re you doing?

Amir: NOTHING

Sultry Sara: excuse me?

Amir: DONG NOTHING

Sultry Sara: what the what? Okay… forget it. How come you only write in Caps? Even you’re matrimonial was completely in Caps.

Amir: NO

Sultry Sara: Say what?

Amir: NOT WEARING CAP SITIN HONDA MTOR BIKE

Sultry Sara: Riggght…. so since you brought it up, is it true you have a dong that’s 5 feet 10 inches?

Amir: WHT?

Sultry Sara: Your dick? Is it really 5 feet 10 inches? Because I’ll be honest that’s quite unbelievable.

Amir: ….

Amir: U NOT GRIL…

Amir: UR ASHOLE GUY

Sultry Sara: Okay no I assure you I am a girl… and a lady girl at that!

Amir: FUCKEN U ARE GUY. ILL BEATD U LIKE ASHOLE DOG

Look at that face!!

Sultry Sara: Hey that’s no way to talk to a lady girl! You should be ashamed of yourself, haven’t your parents taught you any manners? And here I was trying to be nice and make conversation.

Amir: U R ASHOL DOG

Sultry Sara: That’s it I’m leaving and I’m taking my juicer with me.

Amir: WAIT

Sultry Sara: What now?

Amir: U HAS JUICER?

Move over cupid, your time is up.

Sultry Sara: Yes

Amir: OK SRY. UR GRIL?

Sultry Sara: Yes, but I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.

Amir: HAHA I AM ONLY THE JOKES. U HAS SOFA SET?

Sultry Sara: Yes and it’s a very nice sofa set but I don’t see you sitting on it.

Amir: DEAR SRY. I AM THE JOKE. HAHAHHAHAHAH. U HAS TV?

Sultry Sara: Yes!! For Heaven’s sake I have it all, everything you asked for in the ad. But I’m sorry I’m going now, you’re exceptionally rude and I don’t see this working out you know?

*Sultry Sara is offline.

Amir: HAHAHHA YES YES I KNOW I KNOW. HAHAHAH…. U HAS FRIGE?

Amir: …..

Amir: HELO? DEER?

Amir: ….

Amir: FUCKEN DOG ASHOLE GUY BITCH

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bachelor # 3

With having failed two out of two I hoped number three would prove a better match. Though as pointed out earlier, he had made clear age, location and ethnic background meant nothing, only to point out at the very end of his matrimonial ad that only Rajputi girls with foreign citizenship need contact him.

Jahazneb: Hi baby

Sultry Sara: Hey Jahanzeb

Jahanzeb: why u not callin on ma cell phone? I give numbers in ma email

Sultry Sara: Yeah, I’m more comfortable with chatting first. Let’s see how it goes huh?

Jahanzeb: okhay baby, whatever u are the comforts with i no care

Sultry Sara: That’s sweet. So what do you like to do?

Jahanzeb: wait!!!!!!!!!! You are sayin in emails u are US citizen? What city in US?

Sultry Sara: Oh, I’m in Lalam, USA

Jahanzeb: khool i am knowing you are from US

Sultry Sara: Yeah? How come?

Jahanzeb: you are very good enlgish… like me also

Sultry Sara: Oh yes, the similarities are startling. So, again, what do you like to do for fun?

Jahanzeb: yes

Sultry Sara: ??

Jahanzeb: send me phictur beautiful

Sultry Sara: No, I don’t think this is the right time. It’s too early for that right now, don’t you think?

Jahanzeb: yes but you are beautfuls i wants see you beatifuls 🙂

Sultry Sara: Okay let’s just move on shall we? Maybe later once we get to know each other better. I think it’s imperative that couples know each other well enough before getting hitched. Don’t you think?

Jahanzeb: yes. Baby where is lalam?

Sultry Sara: In the United States, I told you! But okay so do you like rom-coms?

Jahanzeb: yes. butt im not finding lalam in the googles

Sultry Sara: Okay it seems pretty obvious what your priorities are mister!

You could have a bum leg for all I care so long as you get me in.

Jahanzeb: yes. u are very preety beaatifuls

Sultry Sara: I think I’ve had enough. I’m going to go.

Jahanzeb: no ma babys you are ma beatfuls. I am looking the good wife for loves and frandships. Making the good homes with ma beautiful wafe. Taking care of beatfiul wifes like flower queen from moon and stars.

Sultry Sara: Oh that’s… sweet, though very disturbing. And here I thought you were just another schmoe looking for a quick exit out of the….

Jahanzeb: sry babys but am not findings the lalam USA on the internets

Sultry Sara: ….. why don’t you try joining the two words. Maybe that will help.

*Sultry Sara is offline.

Jahanzeb: jwoinings?

Jahanzeb: Lalam…USA…

Jahanzeb: ……..

Jahanzeb: ………

Jahanzeb: LALAMUSA?!?!?!

Jahanzeb: Babys is this joke?

Jahanzeb: … Beatifuls?

Waitaminute!!

Well… it seems like Sultry Sara will remain single for a while still.

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Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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5 Comments on “Misadventures in chat romance”

  1. MK
    September 22, 2011 at 7:23 pm #

    LOL this is hilarious…did you really chat with them or did you just make it up?

  2. SULTAN
    July 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    Okay, This article’s funnier than its previous chapter. I LIKE! : )

  3. Alliya
    July 16, 2011 at 7:11 am #

    😀 in stitches!!

  4. July 16, 2011 at 2:10 am #

    Genius.

  5. rumi
    July 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    yuk yuk! good one…i’m going to go check out sultry sara on fb myself….:)))))

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