4 of the lamest movie vampires

Vampires have been done to death. Wherever I turn, I see a brooding eyed, star crossed, impeccably dressed day-walker, lamenting the woes of his aching heart! What started out as evil and demonic has transcended into wishy-washy and puny.  A list of the cheesiest vampires comes to mind. And this, by the way, is for all those out there who (like me) want vampires to remain what they were meant to by the master himself (Bram Stoker); Creatures of the Night, Undead, Nosferatu, evil, blood-seeking meanies!! For all three of you who haven’t seen these movies: Spoilers ahead.

 Should I bite her neck or tell her those shoes make her ankles look fat?

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# 4 – The Researcher; Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers) 

Fast forward to year 2019. Planet Earth is faced with a plague that has transformed 95% of the human population into vampires. Blood is a rare commodity in this age of dwindling humans. Feral creatures of the night are roaming around at large in search for the elusive human blood, even attacking their own kind in their lust! On TV, vampire anchors debate over the worldwide shortage of their food supply. In steps Mr. Nice Guy. Ethan Hawke. Of Reality Bites (no pun intended) and Great Expectations fame. Otherwise called Mr. Edward Dalton, a lab researcher who is trying to create the ultimate blood substitute at the company he works for.  From the very start, you heartily wish to slap his oh-so-desirable face.

Gives ‘Before Sunrise’ a whole new meaning.

He pussy-foots his way here and there, speaks in a slow whispery sort of a voice, often closes his eyes and sighs long and hard; letting us know that he, atleast, is not too happy with life. His goody-two shoes behaviour continues as the movie progresses. He saves a bunch of humans from the police, refuses to drink human blood (in fact empties a bottle of it into the sink. How annoying, especially when it is so rare!) and teams up with a bunch of brave humans to find a way to transform himself back into one of them. It’s quite enough to make one want to grab a stake and cheerfully ram it through the gentle butterfly’s heart and watch him squirm and squeal in pain!

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# 3 – The Whiner; Louis (Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire)

Brad Pitt as a blood-sucker is a very, very pretty sight. Right from his long, lustrous locks to his piercing, yellow eyes to his red, luscious mouth. Very nice indeed. For him alone, I have watched this movie again and again. And probably will again. But alas. My love for the movie begins and ends at Brad Pitt’s bicep.

The ‘smoulder’, a vampire’s greatest asset.

That crazy Anne Rice! She’s responsible for this entire mess that we, The True Vampire Lovers, are facing ever since she came out with her nonsensical version of vampires with hearts!! For crying out loud! They are Un-dead, people! They can’t feel compassion or pity or any similar nonsense. Throughout the length of the movie (and its pretty darned lengthy, let me tell you) we see Mr. Louis whining, whinging, complaining, looking melancholy etc etc etc. All in all, being an UTTER Drama Queen. Complain complain complain. Human blood isn’t good enough for him; all the goodies that come alongwith being a vampire are pointless, i.e. eternal life, reading people’s minds, never growing old, staying gorgeous looking forever, blah blah blah. To make matters worse, he goes and falls in love with an equally annoying Claudia; (Kirsten Dunst) a vampire in the body of a child.

He’s so purty!

The two take off to Europe to seek others like themselves only to have Madam Claudia burnt to cinders by the Old World Vampires (that pleased me greatly).  She was making Louis even more neurotic, if possible. As Tom Cruise a.k.a. Lestat (the only saving grace, I tell you) sums it all up very rightly in the end with an evil chuckle that touched my soul a whole lot more than Louis’ mooning around ever could; “Louis Louis, still whining Louis!” while Guns n Roses belts out Symphony to the Devil in the background. The movie ends on a classic note.

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# 2 – The Doctor!!! Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli in The Twilight Saga)

A vampire. A doctor. A father. A philanthropist. An all around nice guy. Gotta love him. Carlisle Cullen is the quintessential vampire dad in the Twilight Series. It’s heart-wrenching.  Compassion and sympathy are his middle names. A sympathetic guy is he. Not only is the Good Doctor a vegetarian (??) but he can also completely and utterly resist the temptation of human blood.

There is only ONE vegeterian Vampire, Ms. Meyer.

He just goes around his merry way, stitching humans up by night and chilling out in his beautiful bungalow style Pottery Barn decorated house by day. What a man. What a gift to human-kind is our beloved doctor. So tormented was he when he discovered that he had been transformed into a vampire (back in the good ol’ 1600s) that he decided to kill himself by jumping off a cliff (chuckle). Obviously it didn’t work because several centuries later we find that he has adopted himself a litter of vampires (who he himself transformed by the way).

Point? Why yes there is… at the end of this STAKE!!! DIE, DEMON!!!!

Some were dying, others were left all alone in the world, one had been raped…you surely get the gist. Obviously The Good Samaritan could have none of that so off he went on a feeding frenzy transforming all the losers off the streets into vampires and creating a vampire coven if you please, which goes by the name of “The Olympic Coven.” We didn’t see that coming! Bless him, bless him.

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#1 – The Bleeding Heart; Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga)

If Anne Rice needed a swift kick in the rear-end, Miss Stephanie Meyer needs to be hanged.  With a very, very tight noose.  I, personally, would like very much to be the executioner. The woman has created a namby-pamby, shiny-sparkly, self-appointed Guardian of the Innocent & Virtuous Madam Bella Swan, Romeo-wannabe, in her madly popular Twilight series! And she dares to call this wuss a vampire.

 Stake it!! Stake it already!!!

She desecrates the very term. I, for one, am not amused. Unfortunately I do not constitute of the general public. The general public consists of hormonal, teeny-boppers. One look at Edward Cullens’s morose face and they all fall into a collective swoon.  Don’t ask me why! The guy is downright sullen! Sullen Edward Cullen (okay I plagiarised that from somewhere but it’s pretty funny, you have to admit). Furthermore, he badly needs a good bronzer, a tad less of the red lipstick and a decent haircut from the local nai. Some of our resident bleeding heart’s less clichéd lines go like this (all directed at his beloved Bella of course, the super-irritating Kristen Stewart.):

“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” (so why don’t you just tag along with me and let me introduce you to The Coven and hence, imminent danger for you and your family – as we see in the first part! Sublime, Mr. Cullen)

“You are my life now,” (making a little heart with his two, wittle hands…awwww)

“I hate you for making me want you so much,” (originality, thy name is Cullen)

“Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” (Dear God…is the script-writer for real??)

“If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I’m not ashamed of it.”  (oh, so he can’t dream but he can do everything else humans do!!)

Did I say these were the less clichéd ones?

Oh and he sparkles too!! Surprise!

Nuff said.

He sparkles more than my teeth do after the dentist’s been at them. What causes him to sparkle so, you may inquire. The sunlight, the frikking sunlight! I am beside myself ; my fear of the dreaded Creatures of the Night diminishes. They aren’t monsters or demons after all. Why, that sneaky, lying, no good, story-teller Bram Stoker! A pox on him and on all the folklore we’ve heard about these demons in the past. Why, they’re nothing but precious little fairies. Bunny rabbits! They sparkle and shine and look like bronzed gods when exposed to the sun. Makes you want to just squeeze their cutesy-pie cheeks, coochie-coo.

Oh and mind you, Madam Bella Swan isn’t your average teenager either. I hope you know that in future movie sequels to come, she’s going to pop out a little half-vampire baby. WHAT has she been up to with the Un-Dead, is the question. Virile vampires we have around here.

I could go on and on about my love and adoration for the little darling, Edward Cullen but I must stop before I make Bram Stoker turn over in his grave.Sleep well, people. May Edward Cullen watch over you in very much the same way he watches over his precious, sleeping Bella (how weird is that, by the way?) There are only two types of people who would do something like that, perverts and serial killers. We think ol’ Eddie Cullen would probably be squeemish at the sight of blood, so he’s probably the former.

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Categories: Celebrities, Movies & TV

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!

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One Comment on “4 of the lamest movie vampires”

  1. rumina
    July 29, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    hyuk yuk…good one…these wimpy, ‘noble’ vampires make me sick too…count dracula rocks!

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