Top 5 monsoon peeves

“BAARISH!!” “ITS RAININGGGG!!!” “WHAT LOVELY RAIN”

These are just a few face book statuses I’ve stolen from my Home Page. What is it about the monsoons that brings out the very best in us? For example “RAIN MAKES ME WANT TO EAT PAKORAS ALLL DAY LONGGGG” (yeah we get it – rain makes you hungry!). But take those rose tinted shades off and we present to you what exactly is the reality of the monsoon season:

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# 5 – Sticky skin

The monsoon season brings with it, its yearly treat of humidity which leaves one looking like a ball of grease. And I’m not talking John Travolta Grease – though who wouldn’t love to him have slobbered all over one’s face?

A few names come to mind.

This monsoon grease is more sticky and is a mixture of stickiness combined  with grime and dust. One can almost imagine Mother Nature cooking this up as a ‘desi totka’ for your skin. Your entire body is slicked with a layer of it (layers if you’re out and about) leaving you looking much like a greased up French fry (except youre more of the desi kind – with the grime and all acting like garam masala). The only benefit of this is that one saves up on moisturiser. And for some of us, who like to pamper our skin with pricey products, saving up on such treats would be heavenly if they didn’t get destroyed by the heat that accompanies the rainy season.  Hence awful skin and a dent in your pocket.

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# 4 – Freaky hair

Along with the gloopy skin, one is found battling with frizzy hair every single day. No amount of John Frieda frizz-ease calms the fuzz; no desi hair oil can tame those annoying ringlets that appear out of your temples; and certainly no amount of trimming controls the flyaways that make it seem like you’ve never owned a hairbrush. Suddenly those luscious locks turn into curly pubes and the curly pubes turn even more curlier. It’s bad enough being plagued with greasy skin – frizzy hair ensures that no one is finding love in this season despite what Bollywood may feed us.

Apart from regurtitated Hollywood flicks.

For all fashion divas who never left the 70s behind and spend hours teasing their hair into a fro’ get your arses to South Asia during the monsoon season and I guarantee you a gorgeous fro – if not that, at least a Diana Ross perm is promised!

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# 3 – Muddy puddles (READ: CRATERS)

I have such fond memories of playing in puddles in England as a child. I’d pull on my blue rubber Wellingtons, hold a matching blue brolly over my head and head out to splash in all the puddles that came in my way. You see, the water in those puddles was shallow enough to wet the sole of the shoe but wide enough to allow one to splash a few drops around. With the monsoon season here, you’d think one could do the same. And yes, one can do the same. Except in Pakistan the puddles are more like deep craters of filthy, brown water teeming with loads of deadly bacteria that threaten to ensure your foot gets cut off. They’re deep enough to drown one’s soul and big enough to engulf one another, only to create the same problem that has been plaguing us for years – floods.

Pictured: Floods.

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# 2 – Mosquitoes

I like nature. I try to like nature. And I try to do my bit for the environment – for example, I don’t go to lawn exhibitions. But every now and then my efforts expire and I run out of patience. This state certainly applies to insects, specifically mosquitoes. Now I know they’re nicer looking than a scaly liazrd, less threatening than a flying cockroach and less noisy than a cricket on heat. But I really do not see the point of a mosquito’s existence. I don’t. I mean, what exactly is their aim in life? To suck?

Truth be told, some have made millions off that one concept .

That is all that it is. They bite, they suck and the only way you know you’ve been done by one? Those tender, red welts. Sigh. Enough to cause my heart to beat faster… because of all the itchiness! I mean bad skin, awful hair, no puddles to splash in and itchy skin – can things get any better?

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# 1 – Weddings

Goddamn the makers of the film ‘Monsoon Wedding‘! Romanticising the entire concept of ‘barsaat’ and illustrating how its perfectly fine to dance the night away decked up in all your fine clothes and jewels and whatnot. I’m sorry but has anyone ever tried that?

If not then you might need a little sumthin’ sumthin’.

There’s nothing to smile about when your 6 inch heels have sunk into the wet ground destroying whatever chamak and chamkeli-ness there was on the actual shoe. Add to that a jora that already weighs a ton because of the kaam on it, the last thing you need is to drench it only to make it heavier – and if youre wearing a sari PLEASE NOTE: the wet sari look only work in films where they have automatic showers that switch off as soon as the damn thing starts unravelling. In reality if it all falls off, please ensure you’re wearing sexy lingerie or if you’re feeling upto it pull off a Helena Christensen a la the infamous wicked games video.

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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3 Comments on “Top 5 monsoon peeves”

  1. Alliya
    August 7, 2011 at 4:18 am #

    ufff so true!!

  2. Najaf
    August 5, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

    i agree but without the rain it would get even hotter!

  3. rumi
    August 5, 2011 at 10:58 am #

    tell me about it, all season i go around looking like a hedgehog…:D

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