5 Pakistani songs that are a national embarrassment

We’ve produced some really great musicians, no doubt about it. From the immaculate Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan to the genre defining Junoon to our very own Beatles, Vital Signs. And although our movie industry was always little more than a joke, our music was always well received and renowned internationally. Well, most of it anyway.

Here are a few nuggets from Pakistan’s music scene that send a chill down your spine (and it ain’t cause it’s cold).

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# 5 – Ek Baar Chalay Ao – Saleem Javed

Let’s start off with one of Pakistan’s better known musicians, Saleem Javed. Now in the ideal world he’d have populated this list all by his lonesome. Which was what the original list was until the editor threw words like ‘repetitive’ and ‘redundant’ at me. Saleem Javed has shown time and again that he has no shame and if possible, even less musical talent. But for some reason he never seems to fade into obscurity… so I guess he must be doing something right.

Look into my melancholy eyes and chubby face… tis the face of love itself.

It was hard for me to choose the one song that really encompasses the many moments of foot tapping and awkward emotions his music seem to engender within me. But I managed to settle on ‘Ek Baar Chalay Ao’, which translates loosely to ‘Come to me one time’. It’s got all the classic ingredients a song needs to be, both incredibly cheesy and, embarrassing for the listener. From that strange wasp nest mullet to the red and white pinstripe shirt. He bursts into the video wearing an overcoat and jaunty hat, though coupled with the red shirt kind of reminds me of Freddy Kreuger. But that’s beside the point, he strides, all 5’2 inches of him, while the awful techno piano beat assaults your hearing in the background and those two ridiculous dancers try (and fail) to bust a move. The song, and video, are a failure of epic proportions.

The point where the song shames YOU:

Released in 1996, when Pakistan was trying to catch on to this new fangled thing called ‘rap music’ it includes a ‘break it down section’ where Mr. Javed launches into inarguably the worst and most meaningless rap in the history of music. At 3:04 of the video he gives us a coupling of words not seen since the days of Shakespeare. A veritable sonnet, with advice and one liners that would dizzy the head of any dame. With lyrics like ‘main phool hoon; tu kushbu hai’ (I am a flower; you are the smell), we can only stand up and give the slow applause, that rises to a crescendo, worthy only of true genius.

There are so many points in the video where you want to face palm yourself, like when he’s doing that coordinated dance with the two skinny dudes who look like they’re having an epileptic fit, or where he’s sitting on a boat and thinking about his girl with an intensity in his eyes, and the ending!! Oh God please stop!!! … but I think it’s best if you see it for yourself.

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# 4 – It’s My Life – Bushra Ansari

Bushra Ansari was a comedian back in the good old days of the 80s and 90s, and some of the stuff she did was genuinely funny. In fact, even this song is actually a parody of Dr. Alban’s original version. She’s not trying to do this seriously (I hope) and is meant to be taken as a joke. You know how when you and your friends act all cheap until one guy says something that’s so incredibly awful that it stuns everyone into silence? And you feel embarrassed even though you know it was a joke? Yeah, this is one of those times. Only this time it’s on a national level.

Only she thinks we’re laughing with her.

She tries to do the whole ‘hip & funky’ thing with the purple cap worn backwards and the dark glasses as she walks around purposefully doing the westside hand gesture… and again I know it’s a joke, but you can’t help but feel embarrassed for having been born in a world where something like this was actually aired.

The point where the song shames YOU:

At 0:32, when that incredibly annoying little brat first pops up doing a strange twisty dance move that’s meant to be funny but might inadvertently incur the wrath of God.

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# 3 – Shaadi Na Karna Yaaron – Hassan Jahangir

After seeing this next song you’ll come to two startling realisations. One, that Hassan Jahangir invented the haircut that Justin Beiber popularised. And second, that the 90s were a strange time in Pakistan where our musicians wanted to emulate rap, but couldn’t quite understand the difference between hip hop and cringe worthy.

‘Hip Hop

Nacho Gao

Hanso Khelo Tum

But I’m gonna tell mr. EVERYBODYYY!’

Are those even lyrics? Is that what they make the prisoners listen to over in Abu Gharib? If this doesn’t qualify as torture the UN has disappointed me. I especially enjoy the vehemence with which he growls ‘mr. everybody’, you can feel this barely controlled rage that threatens to implode. And as far as the main verse is concerned, ‘don’t get married my friends, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life’, I think we can all rest assured that after this song hit the airwaves, getting married was no longer an option for Mr. Jahangir. So in a way perhaps the joke’s on us?

The point where the song shames YOU:

At 4: 53 where Hassan Jahangir and his band (if you can call them that) actually start hopping around while he’s singing ‘hip hop nacho gao’ for the umpteenth time. Particularly the headbanging keyboard dude, he looks like he’s really getting into the groove, his hair flopping lifelessly as he probably swears under his breath.

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# 2 – Started With The Desert – Unknown Paki Band

This song has been making the rounds on the internet for a while so it’s fairly well known. Little is known about the band, beyond their penchant for gabru javaan moustaches and crotch flatteringly tight pants. But the intro tells his this band was commissioned by the Saudi’s to write a song for the occasion of their national day. I can only assume it was aired only that one time. But prior to that it must have been approved by a whole host of royals who must have thought… or rather must not have thought at all. The lyrical composition seems like they ripped off the doodles of a six year old who’s been forced to write a poem upon pain of death. The lyrics are incredibly simplistic and inane:

‘Life was so difficult, nothing in the desert,

Suddenly with the help of God, life became much better’

Really unknown Paki band? Really?

And the high pitched, out of tune chorus!! ‘It start in saptamber, it start in saptamber!’ goes on and on like a pack of crows squabbling over who gets to pick out the cadaver’s eyes.

The point where the song shames YOU:

At 2: 57 where the fat dude goes ‘Heeyyy…. this is a song about Saudi Arabia!’ And the others start echoing the ‘Hey’ and the ‘sing the song with us’.  Although you can’t help but sing it once you’ve heard it.

This song distinctly shames you twice. The second time is at 3:48 where Mr. Moustache decides we, the listener, have had enough of the catchy techno beat and now need something with a little more… soul.

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# 1 – Nahin Parha mainey pura saal – Maira & Waqar

This is one of those songs that will want to make you turn in your green passport, if the load shedding, political instability and rampant extremism weren’t enough. I couldn’t find anything on the girl, so I can only assume that she decided to live out the rest of her life in some cave far away, where no one knows of her ignominious past.

But Waqar Zaka, went on to become the host of a reality show on ARY called ‘Living on the Edge’. His wikipedia entry states:

Waqar Zaka (born 17 July 1980 in Karachi, Pakistan) is a popular Pakistani musician, reality show star, and VJ, also known as “Daredevil” and “Mastermind.”

A legend in his own mind.

To that we can only respond with the assumption that Waqar Zaka wrote his own entry on wikipedia (sad as it is), and that apart from himself and perhaps his mother no one would ever call him ‘daredevil’ or ‘mastermind’.

In the song we’re treated to a small interview with the pair, where Maira says they put out this song because they wanted to do something new and original… like blatantly ripping off the tune to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’. The video itself gives us an insight into how hip and happening the two are…based on the fact that she wears her cap backwards. If you don’t remember we as a people went through an entire phase where we summed up the entire concept of cool into the act of wearing a cap backwards. So it’s obvious we never got it. The entire video is full of the pair over acting and Waqar Zaka attempting to dance… though it looks more like the death throes of an orgasming ape.

The point where the song shames YOU:

I won’t spoil it for you by writing out what actually happens, suffice to say wait for it at 3:02. Be warned though, this is one of those things that isn’t porn, but will make you look around to be certain no one caught you watching it.

We can only hope the world and music itself, will eventually forgive us.