Dieting 101

‘Fatty-Bom-Batty’, that’s the name by which I lovingly refer to myself as I study my reflection in the gym mirror whilst pounding a poor, unsuspecting treadmill (the irony of getting nowhere fast should not be overlooked here). The first kilometre is tough whilst the next four are simply riding the momentum created by my own wobbly ass! This is the latest regime in my quest to be skinny.

Dieting has become my favourite hobby. I’m an expert. I can accurately quote calorific values by weighing a food product in my hand. This talent has evolved over many years of successful (define success) dieting. Now contrary to popular belief, dieting is not all salad and sweat-bands so for those of you fortunate enough never to have had to starve yourselves in the name of fashion, here’s my insight.

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Juice diet

My least favourite but highly successful weight loss option (and we’ll call it weight loss as the commercial guru’s of diet brands have defined ‘diet’ as so 1980’s) is the juicing plan. 6kg in 7 days is pretty good going, cheap by way of grocery shopping too. Seven days of centrifugally juiced fruit and vegetables… Up to 7 juices a day – wow what a treat I hear you say! So an average recipe contains: ½ pineapple, 4 apples, a beetroot, some ginger *gags* and some crushed ice for texture.

And 2 caps in yo ass! Wait… we’re not talking about the movie?

Is it possible that I lost 6kg just through the sheer amount of washing up to be done five (or so) times a day? Or that by Day 3 I couldn’t face even five of the seven juices without dry heaving? But don’t worry, if you miss the actual mastication part of the eating process, feel free to chow down on an ice-cube. No coffee, no tea, no alcohol and not surprisingly a deep, dark week of depression and detox headaches. Having avoided any kind of social situation for a whole week, I was ready to show off my dress-size-smaller ass to the admiring crowds of my local PizzaHut for a binge eating session to rival Lindsay Lohan at Thanksgiving.

Lasted = 1 week, result = 6kg loss (never again to knowingly consume raw ginger)

So that’s the short term ‘gotst to get into this dress’ approach to dieting. You won’t be a joy to be around but hey, who cares – I’ll be THIN godammit, I’ll make new THIN friends. If you were wondering about the associated toilet situation by the way, surprisingly: normal.

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Cabbage soup diet

I err towards the side of perfectionism by the way so dieting is not something to be played at for me. It’s a military operation, studied in deep detail and followed to the last letter. If I’m not going to drop that promised kilo per week it will not be MY fault. One slip off the wagon can be into a deep well of take-away and cake, eating my way to the surface after maybe a week or so. Honestly it’s a mind disease, it’s self-flagellation, but does it make me want to stop? Nope, I’d rather eat my own arm! (hmmmmmn now that sounds like win-win).

Dieting, not evil corporations, will bring about the eventual zombie apocalypse.

So other ‘weight-loss’ plans include the cabbage soup plan – yep just as it sounds. Once again, this one makes for an even less social animal. Hours of boiling cabbage, cabbage smelling hair, let alone the side-effects of living on purely cabbage water (I refer you back to the consideration of the toilet situation) does not a fun-time make. This diet is also the closest I have come to being divorced on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Lasted = 2 weeks, result = 4kg (and almost a husband) loss

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Special K diet

There was the Special K diet… eat breakfast cereal for breakfast and breakfast cereal for lunch and then have a ‘proper’ (if not bird sized and remarkably diet like) dinner – BORING, and ummm if I could actually manage to just consume 3 meals a day in the first place I wouldn’t be bothering with this diet malarkey now. Note to self: adding sugar to said cereal wasn’t mentioned as a plan ‘faux pas’, but in hindsight probably was.

Lasted = 1 month, result = 1kg loss

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Atkins diet

Then there’s the Atkins diet, just eat protein and eat lots of it, ditch carbs, choose fat… why is the word ‘halitosis’ so breathy? It seems cruel. Although I guess it’s something told to you rather than by you? Suffice to say, ‘H’s were not my friend. Point made about the Atkins plan? Anyhoo, good old Dr. Robert Atkins died of heart problems despite reaching the so-so age of 70, but still not a great advert.

No surprise he’d eat alone.

Lasted = 1 month, result = 4.5kg loss

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Diet pills

So to my most favourite of the plans, and called in for the most important of situations: The Diet Pill. Used just that one time (honest Guv) for my pre-wedding weight loss and trialled jointly by myself and my poor, unsuspecting mum. Uh-maz-ing! All brides-to-have-been will understand that the period pre-wedding does not have enough hours in the day, but this little beauty doubles them – 3 hours sleep; plenty. Dropping 4kg in a week; incredible. Heart palpitations; can be ignored, mostly. Getting amphetamines unknowingly shipped from the US at $90 a pop; probably not so wise. Having to explain to your mum that she may have been dabbling in illegal substances; not my finest mother/daughter moment!

Lasted = 1 month, result = 6.5kg loss (heart attacks and/or a criminal record for possession thankfully avoided)

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There are others, so so many others. All claim to be a viable, simple, long term eating plan, sustainable and healthy, so the quest for the size zero continues. However, the sorry conclusion of this tale is… I’m heavier than I have ever been! DIETING MAKES YOU FAT.

Might have something to do with that Quarter Pounder I had for lunch methinks.

Jennifer Willcocks – If I’m not being sarcastic I’ll raise my hand.

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Categories: Sports & Fitness

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One Comment on “Dieting 101”

  1. December 15, 2012 at 5:22 am #

    I hate diet because it’s make me eat more and more. please help me what’s good method for weight loss.

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