Pakistan Vs India

Obviously still smarting from the World Cup loss, recently I saw quite a few Facebook updates from my Pakistani friends mocking India’s latest performance at cricket. It is quite apparent that for all our “hum dost hain” chatter amongst the masses (well alright the begums of Pakistan who lust after Indian jewellery and the begums of India who drool over Bareeze lawn) of both countries, resentment and competition runs through our blood.

So if you cant beat ‘em then you might as well join ‘em . Hence here is Big Pen’s two cents with regards to the competition between India and Pakistan. Who wins and who loses is totally upto you!



Let’s face it. The ‘S’ in the subcontinent stands for shopping. Men and women, Indian and Pakistani both love to shop for anything and everything. In fact the Indians seem to have outdone Pakistanis when it comes to shopping. “Why is that?!?!?!” I hear the entire Pakistani nation scream at me. Well its simply because India has taken shopping to an entirely new level. They’ve actually developed their own desi version of eBay by the very quirky name of Quikr! Yes that is correct. They’ve got a search engine that generates products of wide ranging categories that can be bought online and delivered. In fact you can even specify your wants according to the city one is in.

What do you mean I can’t get a Bombay Biryani in Hyderabad?

Where Indians displayed such a love for shopping that they actually made it into an online activity one can only imagine that Pakistan too finally realising that the one activity that does unite its people ought to be capitalised upon. So, I do wonder what Pakistan has to offer in this great digital age? Surely they too have something that is convenient for its enterprising people to shop, accessible to the masses, encouraging fresh young entrepreneurs? And yes, Pakistan does not disappoint. It offers the finest shopping experience that beats browsing through an online catalogue, sifting through antiques markets and oh forget, Harrods! What is it?

Sasta bazaar.


Population control

On the other hand, the ‘S’ can also stand for a more entertaining activity – sex. And again given by the population statistics, it seems both Indians and Pakistanis are VERY fond of this too. For example according to the oracle of all knowledge, Wikipedia the Pakistani population is over 187 million. Sounds impressive huh? Well considering the economy is crashing, there are no jobs, no food, no gas, no electricity hence no television, no concerts, no plays or any form of entertainment the only thing left to do is… fuck!

Let’s look across ther border and I’m sorry to report that Indian is wayyy ahead of us despite being economically better and having food, gas and entertainment. Enterprising lot, these Indians. According to a BBC report the Indian population is now a whopping 1.1 billion people. That’s a whole lot of sex!

Budding entrepreneurs could tap that.

However it seems that there is social pressure to slow down. For example given this brilliant, brilliant ad by the name of “No Abaadi, no barbaadi”  aimed at diverting people away from the act of sex (no wonder Pakistanis don’t like the Indians – its bad enough being behind them when it comes to making babies and then they try to stop the act altogether!!!)

On the other hand, in Pakistan we appreciate the act of lovemaking and are hell bent on sticking at it. Forget the fact that we have no jobs to offer our next generation. Forget the fact we’re not going to have enough water for everyone. Forget sending kids to school cos there arent enough places… to build schools that is. We, the shining Muslims, are going to continue boinking and stick to the one thing we know – abadi barhao, musalmaan ummah barhao! Jiye Sex!


Game show hosts

Oh we love our stars, we do indeed. Ranging from King Khan to Mindblowing Meera, India and Pakistan both have quite a few colourful actors to offer. But what we have seen in the past decade or so is a trend of actors branching out into the field of television entertainment as game show hosts. Who can forget the thrill of seeing Big B, Amitabh Bachan announce the arrival of “Kaun Banega Crore Pati” on Star World? The thrill may have been of either seeing Big B in a new role other than films or for more serious critics the thrill of seeing him as a game show host, far from his Bollywood legacy. Either way, he did a good job and nearly all the contestants left with stars in their eyes and a story to tell the folks back home at the end of each show.

Though that might have had something to do with it too.

Pakistan, always eager to keep up to date also introduced its own game shows with its own stars as hosts. But unlike the Indian shows ours have a sense of morality and spirituality that simply cannot be met by any other nation in the world. In fact I’m not even going to go on about this anymore – just YouTube “Alif Laam Meem and Junaid Jamshed”. Ridiculous is a compliment.


Beauty Products

Like women all over the globe, desi women too are no strangers to the world of cosmetics and beauty. From desi totkas consisting of herbal concoctions to L’oreal for those who can afford it, beauty products are a necessity for almost every woman. Therefore it comes as no surprise that most of the ads that one sees on tv in this region consist of hair dyes, skin whitening creams and bleaches, hair removal and so on. Context is very important and neither Pakistan nor India disappoint when it comes to marketing beauty products to their respective clientele.

For example, in India there is a particular ad whereby Priyanka Chopra uses a Garnier cream to get rid of spots on her face. She looks good, pretty good. The product she’s claiming to have worked wonders is something that all of us could do with. But you see here’s where she loses out. She’s catering to the material side of the life. That’s not going to help us when we go into the great beyond and are held accountable for our sins.

Another little known cure for poor skin – Photoshop.

Hence once again, never fear Pakistan is here! Yes we know India is out to corrupt our youth what with a scantily clad hot Priyanka Chopra telling us what looks good on our face and what does not (HEY! One should always look beyond the pimples and spots aight?!?!?) So what have we done to promote our beauty products? Well we have started advertising a special shampoo that is made specially for those ladies who don the hijab (because hijab hair deserves something far better than what is used for unholy, non-hijabi hair). We promote inner beauty that is bound to get everyone of us into Jannat.

 Muhammad Zulfiqar prefers to remain anonymous to stave off the rigours of fame.


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Categories: The World I Know


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