A fast one for fasters

Ah yes, the holy month of Ramazan, when otherwise perfectly healthy people pop out with hereto unknown diseases that prevent them from fasting – otherwise they’d like totally be fasting the whole year round and all. And a time when Muslims the world over get a ‘get out of jail free’ card to be rude and insufferable because they’re fasting.

Because we all know the whole point is starvation rather than learning about trivial stuff like patience here are 6 different types of fasters who you’ve probably come across more than once.

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# 5 – The Pious Pretender

Probably eating behind your back, but preaching all day, saying his/her prayers when you’re looking and commonly found frowning upon a person in close proximity whilst touching their ears and chanting taubah taubah at someone’s trousers which should be a shalwar. Please note, during the rest of the months of the year, this person is more often then not found in ‘western’ garb.

Thought we’d be subtle for a change.

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# 4 –  The Constant Complainer

If the time for Sehri ends at 4:30, this persons hunger pangs begin at 4:30:05. It is extremely necessary for The Constant Complainer to make his/her condition known to all those within proximity as well as those he/she may be able to access through the internet. His/her facebook/twitter/myspace/insert name of numerous other social-networking sites status will be about the samosa/dahi/burger /chicken piece/nihari/biryani/apple pie/McDonalds meal/chicken karahi /pizza /sushi /green curry chicken /all of the above he or she is craving. It may also be about his/her headache/stomach ache/dizziness/nausea/fainting/fatigue/toothache/general bad mood / fall in the park /anger management issues/all of the above attributed to his/her roza.

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# 3 – The Tyrant

You must not eat anything in front of this person. It’ll start with a barely noticeable shake of the head in any direction but yours. Then comes the pursing of the lips. Then the lowering of the gaze. Then an intense gaze aimed to pierce through your very being. Once this person opens their mouth, you had best skipped town. He/She will proceed to launch into a lengthy full-frontal attack on your selfish, disrespecting, unholy nature.

Alongside being bludgeoned for having eaten in front of said person, you will be bludgeoned for all other allegedly negative attributes you may possess – e.g. laziness, straight-forwardness, gregariousness, ability to drive, speak, walk, sleep, whistle and talk.

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# 2 – The Martyr

The Martyr on the other-hand, will suffer silently while you eat but will find the right time and the right place to let you know they were suffering while you ate – for God, implying that there’s something wrong with you because you were not. Despite you not asking, they’ll
let you know that its ok for you to wolf down those juicy mutton chops. Subsequently, they will launch into a gentle but meaningful lecture about the essence of Ramzan, and how they’re enduring adversity in the form of you enjoying your chops, is all part of the lesson of patience that Islam teaches. Steer clear of the buffet table at iftaar-time unless you wish to be trampled upon by this patient-martyr.

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# 1 – The Party-Fast-Faster

Life for this person is a party ladies and gentleman, so why shouldn’t Ramzan be? This person tweaks his/her schedule in order to enjoy the benefits of Ramzan timings and to perpetually remain in a festive mood. Normally around 3 am, you’ll receive a call; the plan for sehri is in place. You meet him/her at Pizza Hut, Chatkhara, Café Zouk, KFC, hotspot or any other one of these numerous establishments open for business at 3 am in Ramzan. He/She stuffs His/Her face (much more if said person is Lahori) and returns home to a good night (and days) sleep on a full stomach. The Party-Fast-Faster awakens when he/she awakens – this could be anywhere between the hours of 3pm and 6 pm. Sometimes, they wake-up just in time for Iftaar.

Although they prefer the term Nosferatu.

Phonecalls are made, plans are in place – no need for reservations, most employees at most establishments are familiar with this regular, and the party begins again – or never stops shall I say?

 Zainab Shah lives in New York.

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Categories: The World I Know

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