6 types of drivers that need to be shot

Bad driving is a constant part of life in a city and nearly every city in the world claims to have the worst drivers and the worst traffic; a perverse pride people take in being No.1. Better to reign in hell, so they say. But each city brings its own unique kind of bad driving to the table and there’s nothing like smelling those gas fumes in the morning to make you want to rip someone’s throat out, especially when they’re:


# 6 – Snail drivers

A phenomena particular to the Punjab is the crawl. These leisurely gentlemen and genteel women of leisure have no lives and are therefore in no rush to get to them. They are as happy as they are ever going to be cruising down the road and as they ever might be at their destination. Hence they meander along at a rollicking 34 km/h. This would be fine if they didn’t do it in the middle of the fucking road or in the right (wrong) lane. Honestly, must you spread your fat leisurely ass across three lanes?

I must.

How is that even possible? Why, when I pull up behind you with my pregnant wife breaking water in my front seat and ruining the upholstery, must you switch from lane to lane but always in front of me? There are no answers to these sort of pained questions; all one can do is buy a helicopter and get a divorce.


# 5 – Male drivers

Among the cornucopia of highway fauna there is one that arouses particular sympathy, but also a sense of fear, sort of like a very rabid dachshund. This is the very male driver, or the one who feels his testosterone levels are linked to his car’s engine and so has to prove without a doubt, that his penis is in fact much larger than it appears. This means several things. The male driver will always appear as relaxed as possible; in fact, he may actually be steering with his feet in order to recline. He might even have drawn sun-glasses on his toes just to get the point across. But since foot-steering is also a weird sort of fetish (isn’t it?) most of these chaps will settle for resting their chins in their hands permanently.

At least now we know what Rodin’s statue was thinking: Jinnah or Hotspot?

Sometimes they glue their chins to their knuckles just to make sure. These drivers will swerve in and out of traffic, squeeze into tiny spaces on the wrong side of the road, rev their engines for no purpose at traffic lights and bump very loud Bollywood tunes. Their cars are always recognisable, with tinted windows, a spoiler, flashing LED’s on the boot and a sticker saying “Saxxy Duds” on the back window. Good luck boys. Good luck.


# 4 – Female Drivers

While male drivers are a constant danger, they can also be a source of constant amusement. Female drivers, on the other hand cancel the amusement and multiply the danger. The problem is these women feel that being women is enough reason for them to get their own way in life and it sure as hell should be on the road too.

Indicators, traffic lights, other cars, pedestrians and animals are like feathers that must be removed from their path; there is no indication that they even know your car exists until they’ve almost run you off the road. And Heaven forbid that you should honk your horn, flash a light or even try to take your right of way. These women will hound you and your kin till kingdom come.

Or until someone else pisses them off, which shouldn’t be long.

The Auntie Brigade in particular is lethal to all sentient species seeking to travel from point A to point B because having shat a couple of brats out and suffering under the stentorious heavy breathing of their fat husbands(who they married for money) they have no regard for life, law or etiquette anymore.  The hallmark of these women is a constant speed of 45 km/h in second gear no matter what is happening around them.


# 3 – MNA’s

Why is it that the ability to legislate so often goes hand in hand with a desire to break every law possible? In the days of military dicktatorships these legislative types know their proper place and keep their heads down and the cars small, if they’re around at all. But since military dicktators generally like to have some kind of rubber stamp for their authority they keep a gaggle of legislative types hanging around. Unless they have a Chaudhry affixed to their names, chances are the MNA will just try and get through his term with his head still attached. Unfortunately a democratic dispensation also brings about a sudden change in the dispensation of these MNA types. Where last week they were busting out the Cultus, today they suddenly have a brand new Corolla type semi-luxury sedan and are flanked by a horde of ‘security vehicles’, generally ten or twelve thugs distributed around a couple of Vigo’s, armed to the teeth and trying to look bad-ass.

We don’t recommend you try that.

Rules of the road be damned, these parasites don’t acknowledge that anything could be more important than their attached self importance. They will barrel through lights, run over pedestrians and force your car to the side of the road in a mad rush to get nowhere while their thugs flap their arms and look menacingly in your direction. Oh I can’t wait for dicktator who actually has a dick and can hang all these types, preferably from traffic lights.


# 2 – Laughing drivers

There are few things more aggravating than someone who doesn’t give a shit while you do. In fact, the person who is crawling in the fast lane, breaking lights, running on the verge and siding your car is irritating enough until you see that he’s not even paying attention and is actually laughing it up with his buds in the car while you honk furiously and become apoplectic with anger.

Then you realise this guys bad driving is just his normal way of living, in fact it’s a reflection of his utterly uninterested and law-breaking way of life. This same man will, of course, lose it if he sees a woman walking down the road without a hijab, but his blithe incompetence at doing anything the right way is simply laughed away, along with your rage.


# 1 – Fascist drivers

Aside from people who have delusions of Naziism and swastikas painted on their cars because they think Hitler was cool (though he’d have dunked them in a gas-chamber pretty fukkin quick) fascist drivers pertain to those who will never bend, break or otherwise manipulate the law, no matter if the world ends.

Pictured: gas chamber.

This means staying in their lane, right or left, whether you flash lights, honk or spray gunfire over their heads; they will then change lanes the second you decide enough is enough and pull into the left lane. They will then shoot you dirty looks. Other varieties of road fascism include stopping at traffic lights when the light is amber even if there’s plenty of time to go through and people will rear end them from behind.

Changez Ali is a ne’er do well.



Categories: The World I Know


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4 Comments on “6 types of drivers that need to be shot”

  1. September 18, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    Excellent one! I liked the MNA description hehehe, and the Auntie Brigade!!
    Thats so true, bad drivers need to be shot… (survivors will be shot again)

  2. September 11, 2011 at 1:56 am #

    MNAs and all the VVIP s are the most annoying drivers. They have no regard for others life and honor on road and will make sure they break every traffic rule.

  3. Samia
    September 9, 2011 at 4:22 am #

    this article is so true! good job Changez!

  4. Maha
    September 9, 2011 at 1:29 am #

    You forgot those under age boys with the drivers planted in the back seats, weaving in and out of lanes. 🙂

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