4 most epic Sultan Rahi moments

Sultan Rahi is to Pakistani pop culture, what the sun is to the solar system. No matter who you are, or what part of the country you’re from, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve never seen any of his movies, you know about his famous gandasa and his most famous movie role, Maula Jatt.

He’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having starred in the most movies, in excess of seven hundred. This Gujranwala resident was the most successful box office draw in Pakistan’s history. And though he was unfortunately gunned down at the age of 58, back in 1996, his legacy… nay legend, shall remain eternal.

Here then, are four of the most epic moments in his long and illustrious career.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

# 4 – Move over Afridi

Cricket is such an integral part of our national culture that it only made sense to couple if with the phenomenon that was Sultan Rahi. I’m not really sure what’s happening in this clip. But it’s full of the dramatic zoom-ins that our movies and television dramas are famous for. With Sultan Rahi in his trademark bloodied clothing about to pop open a can of whoop-ass on neck scarf wearing, Jonas brothers hairstyle having Jabir Khan.

You’ve got to love the beat down innuendo’s he’s throwing out in the form of cricketing jargon, right before he actually whacks the floppy fool across the boundary rope for a human six. Then you get those funky ‘khwo khwo’ sound effects as an obvious stunt double somersaults across the screen. But Im fine with that, hey it’s Sultan Rahi. My beef is with that little puke who pops in and kicks Jabir Khan back inside the ground. Who the hell is that? I think it’s Rambo (Cockrich killer), but the video quality is kind of poor so I can’t be certain. He just walks in and steals Sultan Rahi’s thunder! Bastard.

The part that’s gold:

All the while we never realised Sultan Rahi had a wicket slung behind him like a sword, and though his throw is a bit wobbly and a cricket wicket was never designed to impale people… it still manages to. But the best part, inarguably, has to be when Jabir Khan actually gets speared. To me it just looks like one of those times when you’re taking a leak and trying to hit everything but the toilet. In most refined circles it’s known as the Copter Pee.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

# 3 – Punjabi loin and loiness

What would a leading man be without his leading lady? Or beached whale in this case. Anjuman was notable for being Sultan Rahi’s main squeeze, and boy oh boy was there a whole lot of her to squeeze. In this video you’ve got the pair in a life or death struggle against three evil doers. Their backs against the wall, trapped! Trapped like Anjuman’s thunder thighs in those fitted white pants, as she makes her appearance in a red and white suit topped off with a fedora and strikes a fancy pose before laying into those creeps. (With one dude wearing a blonde wig to portray the token evil white dude).

After having seen this it becomes apparent that those aren’t merely regular pistols, the way the shooters’ arms jerk back with each shot you have to figure them for at least anti tank guns. They all fight quite politely, taking turns to shoot at each other, while Sultan Rahi leaps from broken terrace to shattered column, dodging each shot, all the while dressed in what can only be assumed to be a gimp, fetish outfit of some sort. After a number of shots, all of which are dodged, surprisingly (?) EVERYONE’s bullets finish at the same time. Then we get down to some real action, mano-a-mano, or for the dude in the white pyjamas mano-a-goreela. Not gorilla, goreela.

After having gone through a number of videos I reached a startling conlusion, Anjuman fancied herself a sort of martial arts expert. And all those stunning karate looking poses she feigns would do Bruce Lee proud. He can rest easy knowing the impact his legacy had on overweight, poorly dressed, ageing Pakistani actresses.

The part that’s gold:

After innumerable ‘hiyas’ and ‘waaas’, pyjama boy and Anjuman really set the pace for this martial arts exhibition. But at around 1:33, he throws her against the wall and lands a solid one-two to her flabby midsection. Her reactions to each blow… it’s like a poorly choreographed dance move. But c’mon man! You’re getting your ass handed to you by a girl… or at least a really ugly dude with moobs.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

# 2 – Lions, tigers…. BEARS!!

Speaking of goreelas, what’s the one thing man can do best? If you answered crush the natural and animal world under our implacable fist (complete with opposable thumb) then you win this here washing machine that’s just recently been repossessed from the director’s house.

This scene is from Sultan Rahi’s 1980 masterpiece, Hitlar. And no that’s not spelt wrong. I’m guessing this was Pakistan’s way of jumping onto the world war two movie bandwagon. But we did it in a way that is truly unique and distinct to us and our illustrious Lollywood. We had Sultan Rahi fight a bear…

… a fucking bear.

Did I say bear? I meant bears. I especially liked how the first ‘bear’ does a little hop, skip, jump routine when he’s heading towards Sultan Rahi.

(Psst…. I don’t think those are real)

Armed with that flimsy little stick he fends ’em off real swell too. But alas and alack, those nasty ol beasts get the better of him. And if it wasn’t for the twenty one riders who showed up just in time, Hitlar might have succeeded in conquering the world…. whaddaya mean there was only one?

(Double psst… those bears sound an awful lot like Wookies, just sayin).

The part that’s gold:

At around 0:16, the director had an actual bear walk across the camera… wily one he was. Trying to convince us those were real animals. Not that we needed much convincing of course. There ain’t no way them bears that were doing the actual fighting were actually skinny, scrawny extras sweating it out in a bear suit that probably weighed more than they did. Why? Cause an honest to goodness actual bear walked across the screen God dammit, that’s why!!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

# 1 – A woman scorned

As mentioned earlier, Anjuman and Sultan Rahi were a truly well matched pair. Why, they might even have passed off as brothers. But the public loved them and they graced the big screen many a time. This is from the movie Qanoon, released in 1977. Where Sultan Rahi dons a Micheal Jackson wig and confronts Anjuman’s noxious karate moves stuffed into a pair of leopard print tights two sizes too big for a rhino but still a bit snug around her wo-Manly hips.

And for all those about to scream ‘animal abuse’, rest assured that despite the walloping she gets at the hands of Sultan Rahi (ostensibly done because the sight of that female behemoth put the fear of God in him), she gets even by kidnapping him and showing him that women are indeed just as strong as men. Though my heart bleeds for that half starved horse that’s forced to bear her weight. It ends with some good natured folk music and a wry, accepting smile from the late great, of Pakistani movies.

The part that’s gold:

It’s fairly obvious. For a full 8 seconds, from 0:26 onwards, you get Anjuman ‘ho’ ‘ha’-ing away as she assumes every karate stance the director’s three year old son could come up with. The suspense builds, and coupled with the ominous shots, gets you thinking Sultan Rahi’s about to get his moustache handed to him and then ever so nonchalantly he blocks her ‘karate chop’ and slaps the bejeesus out of her. It’s just so fucking unexpected that militaries across the world use it as an instructional tool to help troops understand ‘shock and awe’. It just doesn’t get better than this.

Your move world.

Advertisements

Tags: , , ,

Categories: Celebrities, Movies & TV

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

Subscribe

Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

6 Comments on “4 most epic Sultan Rahi moments”

  1. Zaman
    December 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    sue he was a true legend. a legend only lolywood have and i m sure that this knd of legend will not born again in any of the wood’s. indeed an excellent funny yet true article.

  2. Salman
    September 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

    Hilarious!

  3. Alliya
    September 18, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    wah what an epic article!!

  4. Najaf
    September 17, 2011 at 1:14 am #

    hahaha..Jut Kune Do!!

  5. Samia
    September 16, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

    Ali Raza, I am your fan!

  6. rumi
    September 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    hahahha…so that’s how u dodge bullets!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: