Facebook to be banned again??

There’s a scene in the film “Four Lions” (if you have not seen it, please do! And NOW!) where three young British muslims are arguing about jihad when one of their friends, “Brother Faisal” dies in a silly accident involving explosives that were meant to be used to kill off “kuffars and slags”. One of the brighter friends suggests that they “blow up the internet” as a means to avenge or justify poor Brother Faisal’s untimely and unsuccessful death as a jihadi.

Pakistan’s Lahore High Court seem to have taken that line a tad too literally. On September 20th 2011, a report said that the Chairman of the Lahore High Court Muhammad Azhar Siddique wanted to impose a ban. The country is plagued with legal cases of all kinds – missing people, murders, scams, corruption, land issues, divorces, acid victims and so on. But no, no this ban has nothing to do with any of them. Instead the issue concerns religion and morality in Pakistan takes precedent above all. Which is fine, except what do they want to ban? Facebook. Yes, you read right F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K.

Hello??? Mark Zucker-BERG?? This is obviously a Jewish conspiracy to undermine the valiant Muslims.

Oh Facebook. That source of all gossip and new friendships – some which lead to virtual romances and in some cases marriage. Facebook that feeds everyone’s ego as they put up beautiful pictures of themselves and get adoring comments from friends and family. If you’ve put up a particularly exquisite picture chances are you’ll get a friendship request from a beautiful stranger “will you do tha frandshep wid me?”

The reason for banning Facebook was apparently it was a source of anti-Islamic and blasphemous material. This sudden moral responsibility came about due to an event that apparently was to host caricature drawings that insulted Islam. Personally we here at Big Pen think that reason is just the tip of the iceberg. There are far more sinister reasons as to why the ban was put forward and why it just might be the thing that saves all our immoral souls.

Secretly they’re banning Facebook because too many young ones were beginning to form friendships. See in Pakistan, guys can be friends with guys and hold their hands and girls can be friends with girls… until they get married. But guys and girls being friends simply can’t be allowed. Why that can’t be allowed is because it’ll lead to girls emerging stronger and more brilliant than our desi louts and well, one too many honour killing might just cause Amnesty International to conduct a coup. And that is far more embarrassing.

So while friendships with members of the opposite gender is not allowed, jacking off to porn is perfectly acceptable because hey, a guy needs to unload but heaven forbid if a girl or boy happen to ‘friend’ somebody on Facebook. Even if it is of the same gender!

Besides porn ensures that one emerges morally uncorrupted, unlike Facebook where material exists to corrupt our souls. Freedom of choice doesn’t exist in Pakistan y’see and our legal system has such little faith in our ability to decide whether to attend a blasphemous event (virtually of course) or not that they need to impose bans for us, on us. But when it comes to porn, khulee chutti!

Ease up man!! It’s not like Pakistan ranked up top on porn searches or anything…. oh wait…

And those political events – come on everybody knows they were really rishta seeking sites. Checking out who is the most original when it comes to pressing ‘No’ to and providing an excuse. The politically upright would seek out who’s attending and dream up revolutions, the socialities would figure out what to wear depending on who’s showing up and the marriage material types would look out for the morally and socially acceptable (read:rich and famous) catches – “can’t make it as I’m getting my Mercedes polished by my chauffeur. But I’ll send in my chota.”

And since we all know rishtas are an activity all parents look forward to indulge in the minute their babies are born, its only correct to give that right back to parents rather than the ones who are due to get betrothed. So thank you LHC for restoring that right back to our parents. You made their eyes shine with happiness!

And those pictures that people out up! Oh the nerve – sharing special, happy moments with friends and family…. Who cares right? And those pouts and poses, especially of those lovely social events that cater particularly to our bold and beautiful… man these sort of pics put social magazines to shame! No wonder we need to ban Facebook – it’s caused people to stop buying magazines! And given how our media industry is flourishing we cant allow a dent to form in the profits now can we. Off with it’s head!

One of the best features of this social site was that it allowed to people to post articles from global publications thereby creating flow of information, communication and most importantly awareness. And as the saying goes, a little knowledge is dangerous which is precisely why the ban is such a fucking good idea. Because it’s exactly this kind of awareness that drew this particular lawyer’s attention to this blasphemous event (I do wonder what his RSVP reply was). What on earth was he doing at that page in the first place? Somehow I doubt he’s some religious hero scouting Facebook for blasphemous material – in fact his name does ring a bell… a guy with a similar name did send me a “frandshep” request…

I will save our youth whether they need saving or not!

The attempt by LHC to impose this ban is a means to prevent moral degeneration. Then why not ban the entire internet a la Four Lions? Perhaps then when Pakistan is cut off from the world virtually and there is nothing to read or learn about will people have time to think. And hopefully then these idiots will realise that morality and religious fervour is something that cannot be imposed or drilled into someone.

Until then, I’ve gotta check my Facebook page… as long as I can.

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Categories: Science & Tech

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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