More matrimonial ads and what they’re really saying

Some time back we looked into the world of matrimonial ads and came across three most ‘eligible’ bachelors, who’ll probably stay that way for a while, you can read that here. Furthering that grand tradition, we take a look at three more potentials looking to find romance by taking the advertising route. And while they look for love, we might as well have a few laughs at their expense. No one said love had to come easy, or embarrassment-free.

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Bachelor # 1 – Shak mat karna baby

Hello, i am by grace of ALLAH,  kamran rana, laikin pyaar say aap mujhey kami bhai bhi bula sakti hain age 45 but looking 30 Single.i never get married.

Could it be because you want prospective wives to call you bhai? It’d make intimacy a bit of a problem methinks.

Kami bhai khush hua. Mugambo ki haar, Kami bhai ki jeet.

i am still in search of a pure heart n soul,i hate Greedy girls who needs cards n money. i talked with many divorced and single girls.but no 1 was true heart.even divorced ladies have demands.this is strange.

Right on Kami bhai. I mean what gives those sub human divorcees the right to have demands? Do they still consider themselves human? Pfft! Shouldn’t they just be thankful that someone, anyone, is even willing to breathe in their direction now that they’re the underclass of humanity? Ingrates.

i will prefer only that girl who is not SHAKI and Who is Open mind means likes to talk and can give love and take love. i have my own style of judging ppl. which i did a lot.

If it’s anything like his, we can dig it.

Oh we can see that, veritable judge and jury you are. But fair enough on the ‘shaki’ part, no one wants an overly suspicious spouse, it’s just unnecessary complications.

Who likes my pic plz contact. jis ko mari pic dil say tan man dhan say pasand aay sirf wohi contact karay.

Tan, man, dhan? Oye hoye hoye! Wah, whattay intense! Kami bhai’s been watching too many Bollywood flicks.

 jis ko money ya cards ki zarurat ha wo door door dafa door he rahay plz.

He’s ‘fad up’ of all you gold diggers that keep hounding him, ya hear?

Now, let’s have a look at his picture shall we?

… stunned silence….

Is… that? What the fuck is that on your head?!!? Does it bite? How the hell did you even manage that? Is it some kind of fungal growth?

But I like the arched eyebrow, it seems to be asking ‘Are you the one for Kami bhai, babycakes?’And that strange Kung Fu master moustache… adds character, I guess.

I am looking love only. mujhay mohabat ki talash hay bas. or asay logo say bohat nafrat karta hu k jin ko insan trust kar k koi sach btaya ya azmaey to un ki hawa nikal jayey 🙂

Okay a) ‘azmana’ is hardly being honest. And b) … well okay so there’s no ‘b’. But you’re being a bit anal about the whole trust think don’t you think? We get it man.

asi bohat c girls say mari baat ho chuki ha. jo pahlay to kehti han k truth truth sach sach.jab sach batao to un ki apni phat jati hay. so plz asay log be door door or dafa door he raho plz. i will marry only that woman or girl who will love me blindly. this is my orignal pic ok.

We believe you.

Hmm… a gentleman he’s not. Why do I get the feeling you have some dark, terrifying secret? How many girls are we talking about who’ve turned you down when you told them the ‘truth’? And that final ‘girl who will love me blindly’ is suspicious too… hmm….are you defective?

Is there something that strange about you that you want overlooked? Do you have a third nipple? A hairy crack? B.O.?

What is it about you that society shuns?

……..

It’s a third nipple isn’t it?

waiting 4 ur reply..but plz asi he woman ya girl rabta karay jo realy SHAKI na ho.and jo aik understanding chahti ho. but all i need is that she should not be greedy and not nerrow mind. i do job as manager sales.may subha 6 bajay jagta hu and raat 10 ya 11 tak so jata hu.asa na ho k zidi ho koi jo kahay k raat 12 say subah tak batay be kia karo.asi zidi kisam ki girls n women plz aap be door raho. SHAKI mat karna mairey pay my lovely.

International man of mystery this one. Kami bhai do you have a secret lover? Are you gay?

WHAT SECRET DO YOU HAVE THAT DRIVES GIRLS AWAY???

This is driving me insane! What is it???

………

It’s a third nipple isn’t it?

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Bachelor (?) # 2 – Sacha pyaar

Hellooopoo, am Tania from da isloooooo. How r u?

Anyone who calls Islamabad ‘isloo’ is officially not from there. Fucking migrants.

Am 22 yrs girl. Who is white. Who is 5’6 and cat eyes (green eyes). All boys tell me am very sexy and send me facebooks. But dere is secret, will you share my secret?

Yes, but of course. Who better than me? Secrets are what I do best. It’s not like I’m going to go paste this on Pakistan’s favourite humour site or anything.

(Big Pen… in case you were wondering.)

Am in true love with one man. His name is Rahman Nithi. He is bast looking man in all islooooo. He is hendsome with charming looks. Everyone tell him dat he is look like rithik roshan. He is 6 foots and strongest man in my life ever.

Though taking a leak would undoubtedly be quite messy.

Well 3 pairs of feet does kind of give him a stronger centre of gravity I figure. We had someone with a 5’10 dong last time, perhaps they could pair up? Give birth to Dajjal or something.

He is very brave and fearless like big loin.

Must we? It seems we must.

Loin? A brave and fearless loin? Really Tania? Really? The mental image of a proud, regal ‘loin’ is both comic genius and terrifyingly horrific at the same time.

Hehehe…. loin.

Many peoples are afraid of him. but only bad peoples. He is friend of friend. He is helping poor peoples and peoples in trouble.

This doesn’t feel right. She talks about him like a 15 year old boy wishes he was like. Either that or Batman relocated to G-9.

He is not rich but has good money to support a girl. He is not white like milk but man should not be dat white. Man should be black. But i am not black, he is middle. dis how real man should be.

… did you catch that first person sex change slip? I think there might be more here than meets the matrimonial eye. And just a smidge too conscious of the whole pigmentation thing it seems. You know what they say about people providing too many justifications?

Nothing, they say absoluetly nothing.

He is da most loving caring man ever in my life. I wish i could marry him. but problem is he is not interested in dis girls shirls wala chakr. Is too series and intaligent. So he speak tania you are most beautiful but i am not having da time for you.

What? He turned you down Tania? The same Tania who gets all those ’facebooks’ from horny young men? I don’t believe it! What a catch you.., I’m sorry I mean, HE must be.

But i love him, and if even i cannot be his wife i will find someone good for him. because i love him and want him to be happy, even if i will be sad dat best man in islooo is with other gril.

How noble you are sweet, sexually confused, Tania. Veritable Shakespearian tragedy this is. Ah, the self sacrifice. True love indeed. I applaud you, nay… we all applaud you.

Ohhhhh….. so that’s what ‘she’ means by ‘middle’

All girls who want beautiful and best man email me and i will interview you. If you are good for him i will convince him. don’t worry i will convince him if you are good.

Golly gee gosh you’ll actually manage to convince him? There is a God!! Thank you, oh thank you sweet, selfless Tania. And I’ll bet ol’ Rahman has no idea you’re doing him such a favour. Boy will he be in for a swell surprise.

Email me on: Rahman.kaala@gmale.com

… waitaminute…

Don’t worry i am using his email because if i use my own all boys will message me because i am so beautiful and sexy. All girls message and i will interview, don’t worry i will convince him.

…. phew! Here I thought Rahman Nithi was too lazy to even create a fake email address to pull of this Lovecraftian hoax. Glad you cleared that up. And it gives me confidence to know that you’ll somehow manage to convince him to take a (suitably grateful) mate and populate the world with his sad seed.

This is not for time pass,Not for friendship,No hoo hoo haa haa he he. Only serious peoples email me.

Nope, no hoo hoo’s here my friend. Though any ‘girl’ who goes ‘hoo hoo ha ha he he’ doesn’t deserve getting facebooks.

But let’s be real, anyone with half a functioning brain should be able to see through that ‘complicated’ web you’re weaving. A Bond villain he’s not, that’s for sure. 

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Bachelor # 3 – Moqa haath say mat jaaney do

Your sincerely is late 20s male, pleasing myself for years.

… you do realise how that sounds don’t you?

But now it is sooo hard to live by on my own, want to find little peace n comfort in the family. Loneliness is breaking… defeating.

Hai main mar jayoon.

Can’t wait to be with you.

Can you end it?

Can I? Oh please can I? Tell me, tell me!!

To make a good wife friend and a partner you should have the following:

1. Mature, of healthy body and mind.

2. Young at heart lively jolly natured.

3. Honest, loving, caring and understanding.

You actually made a fucking list?

4. Polite, decent and well mannered. Positive outlook.

5. Loyal, respect family, traditional values and open to new.

6. Educated and more or less religious.

7. Reasonable body, shape and looks, also charming.

Reasonable body and shape?? Did you… are… is this… what the what?

Oh and by the way, thank you for adding the ‘also charming’ no sense cutting corners now is there? I mean you might as well aim for perfection while you’re at it. Still, it’d be hard to find someone who meets ALL of those requirements. What then?

Not sure of something? no problem can still work with it. Nobody is perfect.

Sanctimonious bitch.

No, no I take that back, thank you for being so understanding and willing to accept those of us who don’t fulfil your very reasonable list of characteristics.

I believe I am not asking what I can’t offer.

Girl look at that body, I work out… or need to badly before posing in a  sleeveless.

Here I am calling out and if you don’t act you will LOSE, so Please come, awaiting….

Gasp!!! I will??? No, no, no!

Oh well what’s the worst that could happen?

If not responding consider this:

Times are changing faster than ever –  values eroding like never before!

Well I guess you’re right but…

10 – 20 years down the road siblings may not be there, and younger ones are ever busy with their own. Who will be around for you? Is a nursing home (old people’s house) the future?

Okay NO! Nobody wants to be bundled up into a nursing home all by their lonesome. But still there’s always…

When your parents expire who will take care of you? Who will feed you with food? Who will clothe you with clothes? Who will give roof over your head? Hain?

My parents expire? Thank you for reminding me of their mortality asshole. But you make some valid points. One can’t be fed much more than food, and let’s not even get started on trying to wear clothes without cloth.

Who will give you place to sleep? Will you sleep on footpath? Will you eat from trash? Tell me? Hain? Step out of your house and learn rates of daal (lentil) and ataa (wheat).

No no!! I don’t want to sleep on a footpath and rummage through trash for a half eaten cheese burger. I don’t want to live like this! I don’t want to be left shivering and hungry on a footpath to be molested by corrupt cops and other homeless people. Save me Mr. Man, save me please!!!

Message me quick before I am with some other girl, or you will LOSE!!!! Don’t waste this opportunity, or you will be sitting on side of the road when your parents are expired and your siblings are happily settled and your friends too are no longer there. You don’t want to be alone forever. Do you?

I don’t, I really don’t! I can’t bear the thought of such a dreary, lonely existence. I won’t be a loser ya hear?? I won’t, I won’t God dammit! Oh cruel, cruel world! Family, friends, humanity… all a sham! You and only you are my means to salvation. Yes, my sincerely, I accept!!

Kudos to his marketing pitch. I’m not sure whether fear is a solid basis for cementing a marriage but at least it’s inventive. And if no one responds, you’re used to defeating loneliness and ‘pleasing’ yourself as it is.

A relationship 20 years in the making.

So, all square either ways.

 

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Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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4 Comments on “More matrimonial ads and what they’re really saying”

  1. Ali
    September 29, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    “Your sincerely is late 20s male, pleasing myself for years.”

    MADE ME LAUGH OUT SO LOUDLY! hahahahahahahahaha

  2. MK
    September 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

    LOL. spot on! i honestly can’t believe the profiles are for real…seriously???

  3. Samia
    September 23, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    what a brilliant article…i look forward to your articles every week!

  4. anam
    September 23, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    This is hilarious!! It’s so witty… It was like food for my soul. Aah! Good start to the day! Keep it up!!:)

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