A message from mommy

Hello, Chimkoo? Beta this is your mother leaving a message to you. I always call but you never pick up – I think its because you must be so busy working in the library that you don’t attend calls. Im very proud of you that way – never on the phone unlike aaj kal keh bachey. But you must find out one thing – why are your phone bills always so high? I hope the phone company walas arent overcharging you. Your father insists keh you are upto no good but I know you mera bacha, you are so innocent keh tumhe duniya ka pata hi nahin hai. Waisey bhi these goras are very jealous of intelligent Pakistanis – they don’t want you to do well na, which is why your mamou was unable to get British passport and was asked to leave from Birmingham even though we all know he never did commit that identity fraud.

“Enter name… Muhammad Tony Blair…. ehehhe….. they’ll never catch me!!”

Acha tau tell me what is your university like? Have you made friends? I’m sure everyone will want to be your friend because you are just so handsome and intelligent… so much like myself thanks god! Pata nahin what your life would have been like if you had turned out like your father… waisey bechara he himself can be nice too. Acha waisey mera chand do look out for the girls, especially the goris. They are known to be loose characters and you are such a catch for them. Ziyada tar these girls have no background because as you know divorce rate is so high in England na, so they come from broken homes and become very frank and free. Jub maa baap hi nahin sahi tau bachon ka kya baney ga? This is why I stuck it out with your father, for your sake mera gulab jamun. Warna tau what a exhaustion man he is! Also these goris don’t come from the same background as you meri jaan, all well settled and rich family history so for them you are a big shot they have to catch… but mera bacha inn sey bach keh rehna.

Oho before you roll your eyes I know boys and girls can be friends! And why not? Don’t I have male friends? But I did not marry them did I? wohi na, you can be friends with them but don’t bring them home. The thought of a gandi gori wearing my paanch laraa wala haar that my nani gave me is enough to make me shift to a smaller house! Acha haan! Goriyon sey ziyada I must warn you of a more khatarnaak cheez than these bhooki nangi gorias. You know I had gone to my kitty lunch at Shehla’s house… uff what a lavish lunch it was… prawns and all but I have to say khanay ka mazaa mere haath mei hi out of all my kitty friends.

Anyway so Shehla was telling me about how bachas these days are no longer into member of the opposite sex… I mean boys and girls don’t like each other and in fact boys like boys and girls like girls! Hai hai they are becoming the gays! Meri taubah! I pulled out my tasbeeh there and then. But seeing how shocked I was, Shehla warned me to tell you because apparently gays are more fast and clever – zahir hi baat hai… jidher itnee desperation ho gi tau phir banda hud sey zyada corrupt ban jata hai na. humarey siyasat danoon ko dekho – all of them from such low backgrounds keh iss tarah ki harkatein kartey hain keh banda sharam she doob mar jai! For example, the other day Paro was telling me about how some minister’s wife plastered her entire bedroom wall with Gucci ka wallpaper – uff mein ney socha keh of all the things to plaster your wall aur wo bhi bedroom ka, stupids woman chose Gucci! Bhai she should have gone for LV at least. What an embarrassment. This is what I mean what laughing stocks these women are at times.

Acha aur how is the weather? I hope you are dressing warmly because I think it must be cold around this time of the year no? When you wake up in the morning, make sure you are wearing your bunyaan, then your white cotton wala sleeveless sweater and then your shirt. Hai! It was only yesterday that I was changing your nappy and now you can actually dress yourself. Soon I will have to start looking at rishtas for you. Aur haan! Tum khana tau sahi kha rahey ho na? Also these goris will try to feed your haraam khana but I know you mera sitara. I know you will never do any haraam activities, or behave like Nusrat’s son who spent all his money on… taubah taubah… drinking and dancing in clubs. Nussie has always been so relaxed with him and she even excused his behaviours by saying “boys will be boys”. Lekin wo aur kya keh sakti thi? But I am not Nussie and I care about your welfare and I know you will not do any activity that will bring harm to you or our family.

Define ‘harm’?

Mashallah we are a world renowned clan and of course you have seen those photos of your nana with all the Generals of Pakistan… what a sad day it was when he died. Bus Allah tumhe apney Hifz-o-Imaan mei rakhey… Acha beta I must go now and not bother you by leaving long messages on your phone. Iss liye this is just a short and sweet message to see how you are. Study hard and all my love. Mummy.”

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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One Comment on “A message from mommy”

  1. Samia
    October 7, 2011 at 5:35 am #

    “Exhaustion man” LOL. Nice piece!!

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