More misadventures in chat romance

Sometimes when a man needs to set things right, he needs to do so under a guise. Sometimes he even has to wear his underwear atop his pants, but who are we to judge? But much like Superman and Clark Kent, or Bruce Wayne and Batman, I too have an alias. Sultry Sara, and she stalks the web trying to find a suitable match from amongst some of the more deranged matrimonial ads out there.

The last time she met someone who was so enamoured with his own ‘intellect’ he spent most of her time quoting Wikipedia. Another was the classic angry, young man looking for a payout from his potential in-laws, rather than a marriage. And lastly, a smooth talker who wanted nothing more than to make his way to the United States.

Recently, she short listed 3 more potentials. And after a few inquisitive emails tossed back and forth set up chat dates with each of them. Let’s see how they went.

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Bachelor # 1 – Shak mat karna baby

Kamran Rana: Assalam a alaikum; I am in search of true heart are you tru heart?

Sultry Sara: That’s an odd way of starting a conversation.

Kamran Rana: its besd we talk open from start

Sultry Sara: you know I was thinking the same thing, I read your ad and was wondering what…

Kamran Rana: first will be me. Because i has my own style of judging the peoples. Are you greedy and nerrow mind?

Sultry Sara: Greedy? I mean I don’t mind a second helping sometimes but it’s not like I’m a foodie and…

Kamran Rana: this is not for joking!

Sultry Sara: sorry, sorry Kami bhai…. you don’t mind if I call you that do you.

Kamran Rana: its ok everybody calling me kami bhai

Sultry Sara: But doesn’t it strike you as odd that you want a potential bride to call you ‘bhai’? That’s just strangely incestuous don’t you think?

Kamran Rana: I see you are demanding girl. I don’t have any money okhay?!?!

Maybe because the ‘golak’ you’re using is HARAAAM!!! INFIDEL!!!!

Sultry Sara: What… where did that even…

Kamran Rana: I has by grace of ALLAH enough to feed two mouths but i cant bye you expansive things okhay? You are all greedy girls

Sultry Sara: Are you still talking to me? Or is this the wrong window?

Kamran Rana: Now you are shak-ing on me?!?! I told in my ad that grils who shak and are gredy should door and dafa door

Sultry Sara: Hello?

Kamran Rana: I have enough am going bye

Kamran Rana is offline.

Sultry Sara: What?

 Sultry Sara: Is this thing on?

Sultry Sara: … What?

Kamran Rana is online.

Kamran Rana: okhay will give you one last chance

Sultry Sara: …… I’m not really sure what’s going on.

Kamran Rana: dekho i am looking pyaar….

Kamran Rana: Mujhey sirf love chahiyey, yeh cards wards aur shak shuk mujhey nahi acha lagta

Sultry Sara: Kami bhai…. I’ll pretend I understood what happened earlier.

Sultry Sara: But I do have a question for you.

Kamran Rana: you are too much shaki what?

Sultry Sara: In your ad you said that whenever you told girls the truth, they’d leave you or shun you. That just has me really intrigued. What is this secret of yours?

Kamran Rana: o yaaar! Koi secret soocret nahi hai. You grils are too much shak-ing always.

Besides, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Sultry Sara: Okay no please. I REALLY want to know. And honestly I won’t judge you for it. But we should be honest with each other.

Kamran Rana: har larki aisey bolti hai, when i tell sach phir hawa nikal jaati hai

Sultry Sara: No honest, I’ll keep my ‘hawa’ in check. Please let me know… please?

Kamran Rana: …….

Kamran Rana: Okhay….

Sultry Sara: Well?

Kamran Rana: in my bachpan bohat ziyada bloo filmain dakhnain ki waja say hakim saab nai mujhey bataya keh mainey apni mardangi apnay haathon say kho di hai.

Sultry Sara: Hakim sahib was quite… poetic in his diagnosis

Kamran Rana: are you loffing at me?

Sultry Sara: No, no it’s a serious condition…

Kamran Rana: ALL YOU GIRLS ARE NERROW MIND AND I HATES YOU

Kamran Rana: DONT YOU DARE LOFFING AT ME

Kamran Rana is offline.

Sultry Sara: …. I…. wtf?

Sultry Sara: Were we even having the same conversation?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Bachelor (?) # 2 – Sacha pyaar

Tania: hellloooo

Sultry Sara: hey, you ‘sound’ in good spirits

Tania: silly miss, dere is no sound, v r chatting

Sultry Sara: Yeeeah… silly me huh?

Tania: u did not sent picture, i asked u in email

Sultry Sara: Sorry, I figured I’d chat with you before I got around to that. You being a girl and all understand it’s not completely sensible to throw your picture around online.

Tania: is difficult, but because i am also girl will give u chance.

Sultry Sara: That’s a relief. I’d like to get to know more about Rahman. What’s he like?

Tania: Is verrrry goodlooking. Even he is not in front of me i am saying this so must be true.

 

You can’t argue with logic like that, can you?

Sultry Sara: Valid point

Tania: are u white?

Sultry Sara: I assume you mean fair? we’ll I’m wheat-ish. That’s kind of an odd question to throw out at someone don’t you think? Kind of shows some deep seeded complex no?

Tania: u are not serios ppl i think

Sultry Sara: Okay, okay I’m sorry. But to tell you the truth I’m just a little nervous. I’ve been so looking forward to this interview. I’ve been dreaming about meeting Rahman Nithi in person. He sounds like a dream. In fact I even came up with a pet name for him, you want to hear it?

Tania: kewl, means u are serios. What is?

Sultry Sara: Trani

What?

Sultry Sara: You know, T (Tania-cause you’re the go between) Ra (Rahman) and Ni (Nithi), so Trani

Tania: kewl, is very sweet 2 make pet names for me

Tania: …. For rahman

Sultry Sara: …yeah… for Rahman, *wink wink*.

Sultry Sara: Anyway, what about Rahman is he ‘white’ as you so eloquently put it earlier?

Tania: no he is medium

Sultry Sara: So you mean he’s dark skinned?

Tania: no he is not black! He is medium. Only girls should be white. mans should be black. but  Rahman is not black. But he is medium.

Sultry Sara: I gather you… uh… I mean Rahman has been told he’s dark?

Tania: are u deaf? Am telling u he is not black. He is medium

Sultry Sara: Deaf? A few minutes ago you were going on about there being no sound and now…

Tania: u are failing interview

Not that there could be too many applicants.

Sultry Sara: But to be fair the picture you put up of him wasn’t… ‘medium’, he is kind of dark, and there’s nothing wrong with that wh…

Tania: he is not black damn shit

Tania: u r not listening?

Sultry Sara: Okay between us girls, c’mon… he’s not really all THAT good looking, and he looks like he’s about to grow a pot belly any minute

Tania: r u crazy? He is soooo goodlooking and brave and hendsome man

Sultry Sara: No c’mon, you can’t be serious. Let’s be real, I doubt anyone apart from his mother would find him even remotely good looking!

Tania: OYE! DONT TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER OK!!!!!

Sultry Sara: Your mother?

Sultry Sara: You do realise you’re not fooling anyone don’t you Rahman? With this entire, ‘I can’t have him but love him so much that I’m looking for a suitable match for him nonetheless’. Did you pick up on this storyline while watching Indian soaps on Star Plus? Did you actually think you’d fool anyone?

Tania: …..

Tania: ……….

Tania: Rahman Nithi is bast you are lose him

Tania is offline.

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Bachelor # 3 – Moqa haath say mat jaaney do

Kausar: hello

Sultry Sara: hey, how’s it going?

Kool Kausar: it’s good, how’re you?

Sultry Sara: … you just changed your display name

Kool Kausar: yes, to be closer to you

Sultry Sara: Yeaaah that’s kinda creepy, but oh well. So I went through your ad and I’m not sure I fulfil all your requirements. Not that I understood most of them… what’s a ‘reasonable body shape’?

Kool Kausar: It’s okay, no need to worry. Nobody is perfect. We will work on what we have.

Sultry Sara: That’s actually really condescending.

Kool Kausar: But I am not asking what I can’t deliver.

Or have you forgotten our ‘glamour’ shot?

Sultry Sara: So you’re saying that you yourself are ALL of the things you mentioned in your ad?

Kool Kausar: Yes, I am

Sultry Sara: ………. well I guess that puts me in my place.

Kool Kausar: haha… don’t be scared we will work on it

Sultry Sara: On my sub par characteristics?

Kool Kausar: I am looking to end your and mine lonliness. Are you the one who will fill this heart hole of mine?

Sultry Sara: Man you really lay it on thick!

Kool Kausar: We do not have much time, if we do not act quickly you will lose.

Sultry Sara: Yeah I sensed this urgency in your ad an…

Kool Kausar: If you do not act now, then who will you marry? Hain?

Sultry Sara: I don’t know I hadn’t really been worrying about it that much

Kool Kausar: You should. Where will you eat from? Where will you sleep?

Sultry Sara: I don’t know that’s too much to process at…

Kool Kausar: Will you eat scraps from charity? Will you wear torn clothes and walk streets looking for charity from friends and family?

Sultry Sara: It’s not really as bad a…

Kool Kausar: When all your friends are married and with kids who will you turn to?

Sultry Sara: Well my siblings would…

Kool Kausar: NO ONE!! No one will be there for you only you have come into this world alone and will leave alone and will live alone. If you let this opportunity pass you by.

Sultry Sara: That’s some apocalyptic image you’re weaving….

Marriage is the only reason women exist.

Kool Kausar: Now is your chance to be with someone who will nurture you and look after you and take care of you. Do you want to live a useless existence?

Sultry Sara: Well I do have a job and I kind of…

Kool Kausar: ….. You have a reply for everything. I think you want to be left alone for your ENTIRE life. Alone and also lonely.

Sultry Sara: Pfff!! Well that’s kind of a given if you’re alone. But NO!!!!

Sultry Sara: I ACCEPT!! I don’t want to be lonely, I can’t bear the thought of living out an existence where a ‘man’ isn’t around to shelter me from the rain and feed me with food, clothe me with clothes…. sniffle!

Kool Kausar: hehe you are now speaking sense. There is still time you mus..

Sultry Sara: NOO!! There is no time, before I become old and wrinkled and no one wants to marry me anymore. Please oh PLEASE save me!!!

Kool Kausar: haha you are finally waking up to realities on ground…

Sultry Sara: Meet me at Hot Spot right NOW!! Please come quick!

Kool Kausar: okay okay, but how will I know who…

Sultry Sara: There is NO time!!! Come quick or you will LOSE!!! You don’t want to be alone do you? Forever?? Quickly, quickly! I’ll be waiting!

Sultry Sara is offline.

Kool Kausar: Okay okay I am coming I am coming

Kool Kausar: don’t go anywhere I am coming.

Not that she ever made it there of course. But we certainly hope Kausar did. And so, Sultry Sara’s search continues.

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 That’s Sultry Sara… in case you were wondering.

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Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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5 Comments on “More misadventures in chat romance”

  1. February 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    ‘u are failing interview.’ I should print a t-shirt for myself with that.

  2. Myra Ahmed
    October 9, 2011 at 7:55 am #

    Hey! iv just come across ur writings & i must say, ur all doing an awsum job! u hav sum hilarious articles! excellent work

  3. Samia
    October 7, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    😀 the 3rd dude is so funny

  4. Samia
    October 7, 2011 at 5:38 am #

    Reading your articles is like a breath of fresh air. hilarious!

  5. Saif
    October 7, 2011 at 4:06 am #

    Good one boss. Sultry Sara seems to be developing quite the personality

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