4 sexy Pashto songs… that lost the plot

The Pathan as a people have contributed greatly towards the arts through poetry, dance and churas. A proud and honourable people that have coined some invaluable metaphors such as ‘don’t take the credit for someone else’s smelly poop’…. it loses something in the translation.

But what might be their most invaluable contribution to humanity, albeit unbeknownst to them, has to be their film industry, affectionately called Pollywood…. don’t ask me why. After having gone through a plethora of videos, I can safely say that when the chapter on sexy was being written they were probably getting stoned. Because if anything at all, these videos show us what the mind of someone on crack cocaine would consider sexy… in a crazy upside down world where Saleem Javed is the epitome of manhood and a beached whale wins Miss Universe.

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# 4 – Love me tender

We’ll start off with one of the more ‘romantic’ videos on this list. Just to get everyone in the mood. That’s right, dim the lights, put on some Justin Timberlake make out music and sit back and relax for an evening of enchantment,  one of romance and a dash of mischief one of soft touches and passionate embraces, one of…. AAARRRGHHH!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!

We lay our scene:

My Pastho’s a little rusty and to tell you the truth I have absolutely no idea what movie this is actually from. But that won’t stop me from inferring. It seems to me that Mr. Poor-Waistcoat-Choice and Delicate-Daisy-May are two star crossed lovers unable to express their feelings in a society that doesn’t understand the tenderness of a man making love to a baby elephant.

Shielded from the eyes of their judgemental society, in the local driver motel they are finally allowed to partake in an elaborate and awkwardly teen groping-esque mating ritual. Parts of this video were under scrutiny by the Women Rights Commission of Pakistan, they’d heard Mr. Waistcoat attempted to force himself on Daisy several times through it’s duration. But after having seen it they figured her outweighing him by at least a hundred pounds meant she could have stopped him if she wanted.

This video is not for the faint of heart, there’s some heavy groping in there and the reek of frustration and lust is almost palpable. Grrrowwwrrr!

The parts you may have missed:

1:06: This is how what I imagine must be going through the lovers’ minds:

Daisy: Hehe…. I smell beef jerky.

Waistcoat: Babycakes… I want to make sweet, sweet love to you while my enormous moustaches watch.

Daisy: Hai hai… shareer kahin ka… I’d rather DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

3:48: Tired of having to chase Daisy around the room for 3 solid minutes, Waistcoat employees a patented WWE leg lock to prevent her from fleeing yet again. Though in mere seconds find his other leg trapped beneath that enormous girth and looks distinctly uncomfortable as he has to wriggle out.

4:07: Accidental boob grab as he tries to turn her around, though quickly rectified.

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# 3 – Dance, dance revolution

Here’s where things get real. Here’s where they get dangerous. This is where we separate the wheat from the chaff, the boys from the men. What do you get when you cross some dangerous Pathan outlaws with a sexy, sultry siren? Yes…. I don’t know either. Perhaps this video does though. Let’s have a look shall weeeeeeeeee…… what’s she doing? Someone call a medic, man down, man down….

We lay our scene:

A gang of brigands and roughnecks have set up shop in the erstwhile village of Da-shey. and while they harass the local peasantry their leader has his own evil, evil, evil agenda. The lusty, voluptuous village elder’s daughter. Forced to get jiggy for the survival of her people she decides to do the most lubricious dance in the history of humanity… little did she know her captors would get off to it. Bastards!

The parts you may have missed:

There’s no topping the opening ‘writhing in pain meets headless snake in the throes of death’ move she pulls off. But there are a few choice nuggets.

Throughout the video the lead brigand doesn’t so much as touch her as he does slap her. It’s almost as if he were afraid he might catch whatever she’s got.

1:11: She tries to playfully slam into him, for some reason, but you can almost see the pain in his face each time that meaty sledgehammer pounds into him with the fury of a force 10 gale.

2:20: I imagine this is what’s going through his mind: “What have I done? Dear Lord what evil have I unleashed upon this unsuspecting world?”

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# 2 – In brightest day; in darkest night…

Now that we’re up (pun intended) and running let’s move on to something a little more feisty. Something forbidden! Something we would admit to only in the darkest recesses of our black hearts. Something like…. a workout video??

We lay our scene:

As is obvious by the toned musculature and taut belly and thighs of the this Workout Vixen, this is a daily routine. She works hard to maintain that womanly physique. The same that has caused many a red blooded young man sleepless nights. The men want her, the women want to be her.

You can tell she experiences an almost orgasmic pleasure while she attempts to replicate what her P.T. sir had her entire class do back in fourth grade. Her leg lifts are barely lifts and every time she moves her many jiggling parts, each going in separate directions, are testimony to the many hours she’s spent perfecting her technique. And each time she jumps a fault-line somewhere is thinking ‘Was that me?’

The parts you may have missed:

0:30: “Ouch this is so hard, please look down my shirt while I stretch those nasty muscles out.”

0:53: WHAT?!?! A peeping Tom??? Gasp!! No wonder the ominous ‘pa pa pa’ music and low lights. Gadzooks what a curve ball the director threw in there!

1:07: Is…. is she giving birth to herself? Or is this like Ace Venture when he talks with his ass cheeks?

2:26 onwards: Now we’re getting somewhere! A shower scene no less! Hehehe.. wait.. wait…. is that Jabba the Hut? Why you could write out all of Herodotus’ Histories on that back. If that back was any wider it’d have it’s own post code.

2:54: “Why I’m having ever so much fun showering… oh no.. I dropped my soap… oh well let it be, my time in prison taught me never to bend over in the shower.” With a wry shake of her head as if to say ‘you naughty soap, you’.

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# 1 – So you think you can dance?

You know what’s better than a sexy (loose application of the word) Pathan chick serenading you to bad 80’s music remixed by Pathan Khan? Two sexy Pathan chicks in an epic dance off. Did… did I just hear Divine thunder? Is that a lightening bolt arcing it’s way towards……

 We lay our scene:

Two of the greatest dancers this side of the equator…. though the one in red looks like the late Moin Akhtar on a bad hair day. This fame spans many a mile and hearts melt at the sight of them. All of them. Except for one. And as in all classic love tales, the two women want the one thing they cannot have. And so, let the games begin. Which one will he choose? And will the other be able to live with the consequences?

The parts you may have missed:

We start off with some between the legs shots as the dancers size each other up. Mentally preparing their repertoire of unmatchable, unfathomable moves. Followed up by some rapid shot poses meant to intimidate… and seduce.

0:58: Here’s how the sequence plays out:

Stud: Hmm… what have we here?

Jiggly thumka.

Stud: Meh… I’ve seen better.

Another jiggly thumka,

Stud: Waitaminute! What’s all this then?

Yet another jiggly thumka.

Stud: oooooo

Still one more jiggly thumka.

Stud: Hmm… I like it!!!

3:08: It would seem Stud has finally made his choice, Moin Akhtar’s less hot, female edition.

It would suffice to say in conclusion, that despite all those gratuitous cleavage and crotch shots, they were far more ass-cams than anything else. So maybe, just maybe, that old metaphor about pigeons flying with one wing above Dara might not be a misplaced stereotype after all.

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Categories: Music

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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14 Comments on “4 sexy Pashto songs… that lost the plot”

  1. May 23, 2014 at 3:42 am #

    Need sexy

  2. riaz
    February 20, 2013 at 1:59 am #

    good job

  3. September 9, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    Thank you for the good writeup. It actually was a leisure account it. Glance complicated to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we keep in touch?

  4. Rumi
    October 22, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    hilarious…

  5. Samar
    October 15, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    what a fabulous article! nice work, Ali!

  6. Alliya
    October 15, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    i am in total and utter fits! brilliant! hilarious! a stroke of genius!!

  7. Myra Ahmed
    October 15, 2011 at 5:32 am #

    i seriously think # 2 should have been # 1. Ridiculously hilarious workout! And ur comments take the cake!!

  8. Kashif
    October 14, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    i have been reading most of your articles Ali but this one is definitely the best by far… and i love the conclusions; reminded me of our jokes in the good old days.

    keep it up buddy!!

  9. Farrah M.
    October 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    loved it loved it loved it

  10. Mahmood
    October 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    THIS IS CRAZY STUFF MAN!!!! LOVED IT… EXCELLENT!!!!!

  11. Hasni
    October 14, 2011 at 11:01 am #

    how culturally insensitive?! 😀 wat do u want? for birds to fly over dara with both their wings?

  12. Fahad
    October 14, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    hahaha…Mr.Ali !!! O me GAAADDDD..:D..:D……..

  13. Samia
    October 14, 2011 at 3:35 am #

    Ali Raza, you are NON-STOP!! Unbelievable article! I think it may be the best i’ve read after the embarassing pakistani songs article! Wow!

  14. Faiza
    October 14, 2011 at 1:21 am #

    HILARIOUS!!!! 3rd video and your comment ‘1:07: Is…. is she giving birth to herself? ‘ ..OMG I cant stop laughing!!!

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