American Smarts

Americans are a great and glorious nation with a proud, proud history.  Helpful too. Wherever there is trouble (or not), there’s America, smack in the middle of it, lending a helping hand. Far and wide there reach doth reach.  From Korea to Vietnam to I-raq to I-ran to Afghanistan to our very own Pakistan. Lovely, wonderful helpers of the free world.  Beloved by all who come in contact with them.  Some would call them “self-appointed” guard dogs of all countries.  Some would call them “trouble”. Some would want them to KEEP OUT. But do these glorious keepers of the peace pay any heed to the wants and demands of sovereign countries? No sir. Not when America is around shall the evil-doers of the world sleep peacefully.

But that’s the government’s policy. The average American is innocent as innocent can be. Why some of them don’t even know what’s past the end of their own noses.  Now in recent times (in a fit of jealousy and envy) a bunch of evil Australians and Canadians started a wicked and biased American Bashing Campaign (ABC)  against this smart nation, actually going so far as to say that the Average American (AA) is nothing if not dumb. What?? How dare they? Sacrilege! Let us partake of a few choice moments in the life of the average AA. Just to see if the above statement has any element of truth in it.


General & world knowledge

Now in this here first clip, the AA is asked a few question related to religion, geography, mathematics. world politics, their own glorious history and so on and so forth.

First question is to name a country that starts with the letter U. Hmmmm. A tough one. An unfair and tricky question. A question that had several brilliant minds of the country working overtime. Why, who could answer such a question? It’s practically rocket science. Therefore, justified are the bumbling answers. U-goslavia answers one smart fellow. U-tah, says another.  U-topia answers a third. (I’m serious, watch the clip if you don’t believe me). Dumbfounded as I was over these answers, I could not control my evil snicker over the next set of questions and answers round.  If the AA had its way, Israel would have a new religion! In fact 3 new religions – Israeli (chuckle), Muz-lem and Catholic. But hang on, what’s this? Islam seems to be the religion of Buddhist monks too. Ooo-kay. The best is yet to come though. Wait for it at 0:57. You will never EVER feel the same way about geometry again, I assure you!


Famous world landmarks

Now every country has its famous landmarks. France has the Eiffel Tower. Italy has the Leaning Tower. The pyramids are in Egypt. The Mughals made the Taj Mahal in India. Everyone knows that… or do they? Do they really? Could the text books be wrong? Because let me fill you in on a little secret. All-these-landmarks-are-not-actually-where-we-thought-they were. They are (ALL of them) found in—-AUSTRALIA). What the f**k, you may be thinking. Tis true, though. You have been wronged my friends. You have been fooled and lied to. Because when the AA has spoken, who are we lowly peasants to refute the truth?

So having moved all these famous landmarks to Australia, the AA is sitting pretty and snug as bugs. The city of love is hereby Melbourne, the Leaning Tower of Pisa is now officially in Perth, Big Ben rests in Adelaide, the Great Wall has moved to the city of China just outside of Darwin (chortle) and Mount Rushmore (that wondrous American mountain with all them Presidents faces carved out in it), well the original really in all fairness, is in Brisbane, Australia. You Americans just copied it. Copy-cats, eat rats! What I wouldn’t give to see all these Australian wonders! That Trans-Siberian Railroad better be worth the money I’ll be paying to fly all the way Down Under.

So. Now that we have those little misconceptions cleared (phew, THANKS God! Wouldn’t want to appear dumb by pointing them out in the wrong countries) let’s move on, shall we?


9 / 11

Remember 9/11? Who wouldn’t? That’s what turned the world upside down and gave America the green ticket to go barging in wherever they pleased without a by-your-leave. And Americans were distraught indeed with the events of 9/11. A national calamity it was. Not to poke fun at such a sensitive and tragic event but here’s what the Very Aggrieved Americans have to say about that unforgettable day (unforgettable for the rest of the world at least). What you are about to watch may shock and disturb you because when questioned about when exactly 9/11 took place, the responses are as smart as the people themselves. Eye-opening responses. Mind-boggling! October.  August. September 9th. September 1st.  2000. 2002. 2004. Memorable day indeed. Engraved in the hearts and minds of the AA it appears!

Dear clever, smart Americans, they don’t miss a beat. Not a single beat! Of course not. They’re the bright ones – we certainly want them around for all eternity. Lording over the rest of the world and screwing their economies just as badly as they have done their own!


Knowledge of their neighbours – specifically Canada

Rick Mercer is a Canadian fellow who has taken it upon himself to expose the smartness that is the AA. So he traipses around America talking to all AAs, generally quizzing them about their knowledge of their northern neighbour. There are many clips that can be seen but here is one summarized beauty for your viewing pleasure.

Suffice to say in the eyes of the AA, Canada has nothing but igloos and ice, better known as the US’ Eskimo neighbours to the SOUTH, staplers have just now been legalized in Canada (finally, thank the lord!!) the Parliament now has electric lights (well into the new century is our beloved Canada! Why people there actually have running water in their homes now) Toronto is the new capital of Canada and the Prime Minister is a guy called Jean-Poutine in the eyes of the champion of smartness, Genius Bush himself, snicker (especially since poutine is a type of potato dish….honest!! Snicker again. PM Jean Poutine indeed!!)

And to end it off in style, the US’ very own Bill Maher admits to the smarts that make up his nation. God bless America!



Categories: The World I Know

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!


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