Condom condemnation

After a not so successful ban on padded bras, despite the coverage from Fox News,  the council of Islamic Ideology now wants to ban the sale of condoms without the nikka nama present.  This is to ensure that only married people are able to purchase birth control.  The owners of  ‘Haathi mera Saathi’ condoms have agreed to cooperate by putting a warning sign on their packets saying, “Please do not use if you are not married.”  The Islamic Ideology volunteers are also trying to get in touch with the Durex company for the exact same reason but the Durex CEO is currently vacationing in Pataya, Thailand.

“This is one of the signs of the Day of Judgment . Unmarried people are having more sex than the married ones. This needs to be stopped,” said Amna begum, the wife of  Essa sahab – one of the founding members of the council. Her eyes were wide with shock and terror when she said this.

I don’t know what has become of our cultural norms,  I met my husband for the first time on our wedding night. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to my male cousins, we weren’t even allowed to answer the door when the doorbell rang. And now look. Young girls are dating openly,” her voice choked and a tear snaked it’s way down her cheek.

And they’re drinking straight from the can!! A fatwa on you and all your unborn children! Fatwa, fatwa, FATWAAA!!!!

“If a person wants to purchase condoms, he will have to show proof that he is married,” said Essa sahab,  as he comforted his wife (Amna begum also helps out her community by running a  marriage bureau from her house. She claims she has gotten 15 girls married so far.  She also provides free marriage counseling to those couples. She has even saved a marriage from a divorce when the husband fell in love with his father-in- law.)

“The punishment of adultery in Islam is stoning to death,” yells   Zakir Naik at the ‘Ban sale of condoms to unmarried people’ (BSB) meeting – a witness stated that someone then pointed out to Mr. Naik that adultery is  when one cheats on their spouse and it is not to be confused with pre marital sex . He then phoned up someone asking them what Islam says about pre marital sex. Upon finding out that , that too is strictly prohibited, he started chanting even louder. He also cried with actual tears over the fact that years ago the Spice Girls sang about safe  (pre marital, surely) sex in their hit ‘2 becomes 1’. He had print outs of the lyrics which were handed out to all the members of BSB.  He also then started working on a proposal to put a fatwa on Michael Bolton because of his obscene, beyond belief, song “Can I touch you there…?”

Though in all fairness the song was a hit with most maulvis.

Mr. Sarosh, a pious Muslim and the father of two, who was also present at the meeting says, “You know, its not just condom sales that have to be controlled, the sale of …. ( and his voice trails off ) ahem.. the sale of  s..s..s… sanitary napkins also needs to be contained and controlled, I mean anything that has anything to do with one’s nether regions…”  Upon being asked why he was saying this, he started to stare in space, he looked visibly shaken and he went on to say:

“It was a warm and moist Tuesday night, I was at the shop at the Shell Petrol pump on Khyban-e-Bahria with my two little children and this young woman walked in.  Her hair was wild and curly and she had these huge eyes, she looked agitated and was walking funny, like  non muslim women on TV shows walk.  She wasn’t even wearing a dupatta . She headed towards one of the aisles and picked up three packets of Always Ultra pads, the frightening part is she didn’t even look embarrassed, it was like she was buying onions and bananas! My innocent children couldn’t take their eyes off her.  After that we came home and started having dinner.  My little son who is six  while having biryani asked, “Ami, ami Always Ultra kya hota hai?” in front my my sister and my parents. Everyone got so embarrassed, they practically hid their faces in the beef biryani we were eating. I am so sure that girl wasn’t a Muslim. And that she was sent here by the Israeli and the American Jews to corrupt our boys and our culture. I could tell by the way she walked!”


“Soon, we shall bathe in the blood of the infide…” *barf*

After 5 hours, the meeting finally came to an end.  The council also found a sub committee consisting of psychiatrists who will treat people suffering from trauma of witnessing lewd behavior.  They are currently treating Mr. Sarosh and his children for witnessing the female Jewish conspiracy buying pads.  The next people in line for treatment are Spice girls, Michael Bolton and George Michael  fans.



Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.


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2 Comments on “Condom condemnation”

  1. Ayla
    October 25, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

    that was really, really funny. 😀

  2. Mo
    October 21, 2011 at 1:06 am #

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Emaan!!!! *Hug*

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