What Paki’s are REALLY searching for online!

There are some things that are a festering sore on the underbelly of humanity. That line had nothing to do with this article, I just liked how it sounded (intelligent and such) so I decided to open with it. Or… hold on, it just might.

Big Pen has been around for over three months now, and all things told we’ve gone beyond what any of us were expecting. We’ve had a plethora of writers both, young and old (ish), from disgruntled students to mothers at their wits end. We’ve managed to cultivate a strong, regular reader base and bring aboard new people with every passing day.

But by far, the most interesting aspect has been the insight this project has granted us, into the hearts and minds of the average Pakistani… and boy is it filthy. You see there’s this nifty little gadget wordpress provides its users that gives you a list of search terms people have used to get to your site. Here’s a roundup of some of the craziest things people have been trying to find, in vain I might add because they ended up on Big Pen.


‘www.big ass of aunty’

Yes. You read that right, and I quote, “www.big ass of aunty”. There’s not even a .com at the end for Heaven’s sake. The searcher might be a) new to the internet, though that’s hard to conceive, or b) so horny that in his rush forgot to enter a complete web address.

Or secret option c) where the internet gods fried his PC for being a fucking moron, before he could complete typing it.


 Thy internet connection shalt be reduced to dial-up.

‘big ass pakestane aunti’

We get it! Horny Paki boys have an aunty ass fetish. But there’s something inherently unsettling about a creepy, little perv who’d respectfully call you ‘aunty’ to your face while fantasising about your fat behind.

Not that anyone’s ever called me aunty, of course.

Except that one time in….

…let’s not get into that right now.

Here is where they wound up instead.


‘suhaag raat small penis’

The anonymity the internet affords us was previously the purview of select hakims and bathroom mirrors. You don’t need to have an IQ higher than that of a Mumatz Qadri supporter to realise what the searcher was worried about. Somebody’s gonna be gettin’ some! Butt…. it seems there’s little to look forward too (nyuk nyuk).

Other variants: pakistani suhag rat six; secret suhaag film; shag raat blooprint

Bet they were disappointed when they saw this pop up on their screens instead of sneakily filmed sex acts.


‘big dumb blondes with no cloths’

Yep, nine out of every five internet searches emanating from Purestan seem to be porn related. Hey I’m not saying it’s bad, I’d much rather these creeps stay locked up in their rooms filling up their socks than be out on the streets with regular folk. But the searcher can at least try to narrow his criterion; or else he’d wind up with something like this:

‘Big, check, blonde, check, no clothes, check, still….. not exactly what I had in mind.’

Hope he enjoyed himself.

‘pam anderson silicone doll’

If this article were a song, which it’s not in case you were wondering (though it does have a rhythmic flow to it don’t you think?), this would be the part where the singer ‘breaks it down’. This searcher isn’t your regular pervert, oh no! He’s not one for just sitting back and merely watching porn, he wants to get in on some of that action!! Or… as much as you can with something that’s lifeless and plastic…. hmm… when put that way I guess his search terms weren’t too off the mark.

But what I’d pay good money to see is when his mom finds his ‘girlfriend’ tucked away under the bed. Maybe he can find something online to help him get outta that pickle.

I doubt this is what they had in mind when they started typing out their morbid fantasies, though there are a couple of pictures in there the most diligent and tenacious of perverts could use to their advantage.


‘donkey left up’

That actually makes perfect sense to me. But I’m under the thrall of a very strong hallucinogenic, as I write this. But to everyone else who’s not…

… and who’s wondering what google turned up? Right here.


‘poop teacher’

A poop teacher? Why would anyone need a poop teacher? Isn’t that like the most basic bodily function apart from breathing? Hell my 5 month old is already over qualified for that job.

A true professional whilst performing his ‘doodies’.

Hopefully they found some tips when they read the article they wound up on.


‘i’m on cabbage soup diet and i am having heart flutters’

That’s because you’re starving yourself for ridiculously aesthetic reasons and your body is telling you it’s about to shut the fuck down. I don’t know why you’d want to lose weight anyway, given the number of people out there who’re lusting for some fat posterior. Hope you’re old enough to qualify as an aunty though.

Otherwise, here’s to you having found some stuff to help you along the anorexic road, here.


‘camel’s ass’

Why on God’s great earth would you search for that? Sure Pakistan topped the google search trends for stuff like animal sex, etc… but wasn’t that just a conspiracy hatched by the Shi’ite-Hindu-American-Zionist Association of Nazi’s to slander the valiant (and oh so pure) people of Purestan?

But a camel’s ass? C’mon people the least you can do is search for Beyonce’s.

‘ali raza is the biggest loser on the planet’

Alright who was that?!? C’mon, you can’t be serious? Surely I’m not the biggest loser on the planet? Are you saying I’m even worse than Saleem Javed or that annoying twit from those Ufone ads that keeps screaming ‘Salma’?

But all things told, if you’re pissing someone off… then you’re doing something right. So I guess I must be doing something right?

But hopefully the former found what they were looking for, and the latter changed their mind when having read through this article.

Though perhaps I do need to lose a few pounds.




……Biggest loser??



‘Stuff I can’t write out’

There was an article we did early on that was actually one of our coolest. But its title and content was ripe for pervy internet search terms. Some of which are indescribably funny, yet supremely gross. Which is why I choose not to write them out (for the sanity of our readers that is). But you can read that article here, and lap it up (I had to get one in).

So you see, all those searchers up there, are a festering sore on the underbelly of humanity. Which was kind of the whole point of this article. Which is sorta… umm… ah…. yeah that’s about it.



Categories: Science & Tech

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"


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