Chest hair, testosterone and dead donkeys

Dating and relationships now fall under the dark humor category for young and fast Pakistanis. Here are a few quotes from the girls whose brains still function normally in the presence of testosterone and chest hair.

“He made me feel like I was talking to a Matric pass, sexually frustrated Aunty” – Bano-22 year old business student.

“He’s a like chronic dry cough I’ve gotten used to,” Aunty Bismillah’s daughter (she used to go to the PAF Museum in a burka to meet him).

Which is kind of a strange place for a date, but who are we to judge?

“The only reason why I went for him was because he was unlike any other gems from my past, it turns out the only reason why he was different was because he wasn’t a pure vagi-tarian” (Rabia upon realizing that her date might just prefer her brother over her).

“My insecurity became a staple part of his diet,” (a flat chested girl about her hairy ex boyfriend whose life was a perpetual existential crisis).

“His mother should have flushed him down the toilet when he was still a fetus,” (refer to above).

These comments were a part of research done by Dr Madhuri Iqbal a leading psychiatrist , hired by a fashion designing school after a disturbing number of students developed a British accent living in Karachi and started calling the teachers ‘ Dahhhling’ ( She is facing great difficulty in treating this disease as we live in a country where having a British accent can do wonders to your career, social and love life, it’s equivalent to getting breast implant or blonde highlights, she states).

Upon reading the results, Dr Iqbal stated that interaction with the opposite sex is promoting mental illness amongst the young people. “This could cause another slump in the economy , the stock market will crash and the farmers will commit suicides!!” she exclaimed – she also spent some time with the boys of the college in an attempt to understand the divide. It didn’t do much because it’s a fashion school and a vast majority of them are gay and the boys ended up discussing different lubricants used in anal sex.

She also said had Steve Jobs been alive she would have asked him to create an application which would prevent for some hours in the week for the two sexes to get in touch with each other.

Tentatively called the ‘i-don’t have a life so why should you?

She also tried getting in touch with Mr. Mark Zuckerberg for this very reason , by adding him on facebook but he informed her that the word ‘privacy’ simply doesn’t exist in his dictionary anymore and that his main goal in life is to make people spend their days spying on cooler and happier people only to feel ugly, poor and lonely and they can then adopt a cat in every colour possible . He then started poking her at odd hours of the night which led to her defriending him on facebook.

Gulraiz, a good looking pathan boy working as a dance instructor at a gym for partially obese and depressed Chinioti ladies shed some light on this topic he said ‘girls lie’ upon further inquiry he opened up about how they fake everything about themselves ranging from their hair color, skin tone, even to laughs and orgasms. “Why should we trust them? They play dumb and pretend they aren’t constantly observing and judging you. My last girlfriend would nod smilingly everytime I talked about my mother’s saari collection from Jaipur. After she stopped answering my calls, I found out through another friend that she had told all her friends that she thought I was confused about my sexuality. No wonder they all look at me funny now,” he added bitterly, looking down at his pink satin shirt, trying not to break down into tears. “I should have just kept a pet, maybe a peacock.”

Ms Iqbal’s research came to an end when one of her schizophrenic patients, Farmeen fainted as a result of a medicine she prescribed, crashing into a donkey cart, killing the donkey and fracturing her nose which she had just gotten ‘fixed’ from a famous plastic surgeon in Manhattan, New York.

Much like the ones in Lalam usa.

Ms Iqbal had not warned Farmeen about the side affects of the medicine – and Farmeen now blames Ms Iqbal for turning her into a donkey murderer with an Owen Wilson nose. She cannot even sue Ms Iqbal, because her husband is a famous Lollywood actor and all the lawyers she went to were of the opinion that she didn’t faint because of the medicine, she fainted because she’s 26 and unmarried and her ‘needs’ have not been fulfilled. And that she should see a ‘pir’ or a rishta aunty.

Farmeen then did the next best thing and she created a fb page ‘we HaYte u mAdhuri iqbal– u DA unKeWL!!!’ Before she knew it the page had 30,000 fans and Ms Iqbal has gone into hiding and is busy changing her name and buying more fake degrees, with the help of her husband’s Lollywood connections.

This story and research will continue once Dr Madhuri Iqbal re emerges as Lolita Cucumber-wala.



Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.


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