Spotting the liberal Pakistani

It’s been known to hit almost everybody at least once in their lives. Bit of a generalisation, that “everybody” but then again living in this digital age where blogs are abundant, fb is a political platform and twitter a constant competition for collection of quotes almost everyone becomes that “everybody”. Unless of course, you happen to be the wretched 90% illiterate Pakistanis, for whom the remainder 10% speak for. And even then they can’t fully communicate what the issues are.

I remember posting about this problem on fb. A barrage of suggestions came my way – from taking showers to listening to music to stuffing myself with chocolate to sleeping it off. Of course, given my love for being a guinea pig I tried everything and ended up with a bad bout of pimples and a headache from the hell I got for oversleeping, given that I had a deadline to meet (all those warm showers and depressing music…) Writers block.

I find it so amusing that given the numerous options and channels for communication, one finds it ever so difficult to say what one ought/wants/needs to say. Yes, yes from the virtual declarations of “I love you really” to family members you don’t meet except for on weddings to accepting an invite to some political rally in Lahore (it seems to be the safest city for political activism, Karachi is too volatile and Islamabad’s just too dead), we all express ourselves with the click of a button or reposting a loving photo stolen from someone else’s fb page.

facebook: bringing the world together one douchy status update at a time.

But what about writing it out? Ah see now that’s where the problem lies. People moan about the lack of originality. They groan at another piece of writing that talks about – wait for it – the effect 9/11 had on our minuscule lives, despite the subject(s) being millions of miles away from where the tragedy took place to never really bothering about being a “Moslem” before – yes you, who dons that Palestinian flag as a scarf, I’m sure you know more about Katy Perry’s bra size than the Israel-Palestine issue itself. And so it appears my block refuses to budge. Hence I give you bullet points for how to spot a Paki liberal.

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# 10 – You go red in the face with anger and consequently write an angry fb update about the Muslims being killed in Palestine, Iraq and Afghanistan yet remain silent at the killing of Muslims in Pakistan. Oh but wait, Shias and Ahmedis aren’t Muslims.

# 9 – You believe that your imported German Shepherd or that darling French Poodle of yours deserves to be treated like royalty, thereby giving them the choicest bits of meat. But the beggar on the road? Does he deserve a morsel? Bloody beggar mafia – let them die!

# 8 – Marriage is a wonderful union when two people come together and the entire city is invited, clapping the happy couple’s journey to legal intercourse. But gay people getting married? HARAAM, HARAAM!

# 7 – A good day of hunting consists of how many Ahmedi, Shia and Christain heads roll in front of you after a long, sweltering day in the plains of Punjab.

Experts say undamaged Shia pelt can fetch quite a bundle on ebay.

# 6 – Your political activism consists of accepting a facebook invite to a rally against talibanisation. You balance out the guilt by attending a Jumma prayer and literally jack off to the Mullah’s rant against minorities.

# 5 – You supported the death sentence. Until Mumtaz Qadri.

# 4 –  At one point you loved Musharraf and totally supported Shaukat Aziz’s economic growth theories. In fact you still support Musharraf. And any other form of leadership, as long as its not democratic.

# 3 – The current taxation system is unacceptable. All politicians and industrialists should be taxed more than what the average man has to pay. And this rule ought to be made applicable to all. Except for Military Inc.

# 2 – Your counter- argument to the US is that they may ruin our country with their drones, but they can never destroy the Pakistani Dream ie caliphate system.

Because we got to it first! HAHA! Sucks to be you!

# 1 – You campaign for Imran Khan and how one must vote to make their voice heard and it is only democracy that will save us… yet fail to tolerate a single criticism of Immi Bhai. Jiye freedom of expression!

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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2 Comments on “Spotting the liberal Pakistani”

  1. Faiz
    November 17, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    They are not liberals. Liberalism is about not only accepting, but celebrating diversity and pluralism; a concept most Pakistanis, sadly, are not even familiar with. Call me pessimistic, but I believe that the protests in support of Mumtaz Qadri sounded the death knell for my once beloved country.

  2. faisel
    October 29, 2011 at 1:52 am #

    You forgot to mention the morons who take their dates out to a fifteen thousand rupee dinner (hoping to impress and hence get laid)…and at thr time of billing ask for a katcha bill!!!

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