5 B-Grade horror flicks from HELL!!!

Horror/slasher movies and I go back a long long time. I love ‘em.  Paranormal activities, Freddy Kruger, the Blair Witch etc etc . You name it, I’ve seen it. Big budgets and well-known actors aside, it’s the cheesy, low budget flicks which thrill me most. I plead guilty to being a true lover of all such nonsensical movies. Films that are so bad, they’re hilarious. A peep into some of the finer ones should be worth a chuckle or two.

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# 5 – The Dentist

This movie might make you want to want to never EVER visit your dentist again! I watched it with some level of doubt. A dentist? A mad, serial killer, psychotic dentist? But then again, having watched movies about Killer Klowns (read: CLOWNS) as well as Killer Shrews, not to mention a crazed Santa (Yes! Mr. Claus himself) how bad could a lunatic dentist film be??? Ha! Suffice to say, our dentist is a man on a mission. Having seen his beautiful and nubile young wife in a compromising position with the pool-cleaning guy (!!) he loses all sense of self and goes on a maniacal killing spree. Starting with a dog.  He then proceeds to tie up his wife, pull out all her teeth and cut up her tongue! Awe-inspiring dialogues such as “You don’t know what it’s like; the long hours, the lack of respect, and a world that ignores dental hygiene!” and “Why would he kill a dog?” “He’s a dentist, he’s capable of anything!” this movie is a treat. Our dentist hallucinates rotting teeth on his patients and has no problem stabbing them in the mouth, cutting their jaws open or using a drill to slice up their tongues! He is, however, perfectly satisfied when one of his victims, hysterically promises to brush her teeth three times a day & never eat candy again! So happy is he to hear this, he lets her go! Of course in the end, he is sitting in a mental hospital with his toothless wife (don’t ask me how that happened) bending over him ready to start some violent, vengeful, tooth-work of her own.

Oh and there’s a part 2 also! Yaay!

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# 4 – Skeleton Man

Hee hee.  This is the worst movie I have seen in my life! Ever! Totally pointless and utter garbage! A Skeleton Man wearing a long black cape and looking exactly like Skeletor of He-Man fame is roaming around a forest. On a horse no less.  His aim in life: kill kill and kill. Kill whoever enters the forest. Kill at will. Kill without rhyme or reason. Kill without mercy. So. History behind the Skeleton Man? Well. As I understood it (and trust me, I didn’t understand much; as I think I slept through most of the movie and the rest of the 20% was so ridiculous that I was too busy chortling away to pay much attention) Anyway, so the “legend” of the Skeleton Man is recounted by an old Indian idjit who loves beans (yes BEANS!) and makes wise statements such as “Beans. Beans is good. You just heat ‘em and they’re good to go”. (check out the very realistic acting at 1:44 and a glimpse of Skeleton Man at 6:52, no need to watch the rest of the bull-crap). Well, apparently, long ago, there was an Indian brave who got mighty pissed off because despite all his warrior-like ways, he still had to prove himself to the tribe by bringing in SOME chief’s scalp on a platter. He got so mad at this that he too went on a killing spree. He killed his tribe and somehow ended up becoming a SKELETON MAN who is now cursed to roam the woods forever. What a daring plot! Genius director behind this. So in very Predator-ish manner, a team of commandos arrive in

this very forest to do something (spy or something, who knows and who cares?). Mr. Skeleton Man decides to kills them all. And hey pronto! A new team arrives to investigate the deaths of their fallen comrades. Complete with a set of hot commando girls! What a treat for Skeleton Man! One by one they are all wiped off in a typical, garish, bloody Skeleton-Man manner. Then I fell asleep. Only to wake up to see Skeleton Man (somehow) now roaming around a chemical plant, killing at random. Our one remaining raspy voiced hero (in typical Arnold Swarzeneggar style) manages to blow  up the plant to smithereens with Skellie boy in it. The movie ends with him assuring the public “It’s all over.” Yawn.

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# 3 – Teeth

A young girl is born with mutated, toothed privates. Ahem.  Yes yes you heard right. The Privates are vicious, bitchy and downright nasty. Lo and behold, there are several candidates who want to fornicate with our very chaste and beautiful heroin as she grows up and enters high school (she is by the way a spokesperson for some local Christian chastity group or some similar rot). Now one Raper manages to do the deed and The Privates have a merry time biting off his …ahem..privates). A male gynaecologist’s fingers, an evil step-brother and a fellow student’s testy parts (pun intended) later, we see our beautiful WEIRDO sitting pretty in the car of some old goat who has evil intentions (of course). As he sticks his perverted tongue out to show us of his intent, our not-so-chaste-anymore heroin turns to face the old timer with a mysterious, knowing and slightly evil smile. The movie ends. What, (???!!!) methinks. So suddenly the innocent and timid beauty has become a spokesperson for women’s rights and the teacher of lessons to all licentious men?? Whatever……….

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# 2 – GingerDEAD Man: Passion of the Crust

Guffaw. With a name like that, who wouldn’t want to partake in the viewing pleasure that is this movie. But Passion of the Crust is actually the second part of this peach of a series and is MEANT to be a horror/comedy. I just couldn’t resist sharing the name: Passion of the Crust (somewhere we can hear Mel Gibson choking as he strangles himself!)  It’s actually part 1 which is truly ridiculous because all the characters seem to be taking themselves so seriously and the movie is in no way meant to be funny.  Only, it is. Picture this. A murderer’s cremated ashes are mixed with a gingerbread-mix by his witch mum and left as a gift for the girl whose testimony helped sentence the murderer to death. Are you with me so far? Obviously she makes a gingerbread man out of it. Out pops the newly born, foul-mouthed, evil and villainous GingerDEAD Man. Sound familiar? Chuckie from Childs Play, anyone? Well, to make a long story short, Mr. GingerDEAD Man goes nuts.  He goes around killing left, right & center. And now an important & thought provoking question. How can one get rid of a GingerDEAD Man? Eat him – a 6 year old child might wager.  That answer seems pretty obvious…NO WAY you might be thinking, they can’t possibly expect us to buy that!! But it’s true it’s true! The GingerDEAD Man’s head is eaten and you’d think OH, All’s well that ends well. But wait…the evil spirit has now entered the body of the Eater!! Aaargghh!! It’s so convoluted and ridiculous, it makes your head spin! But the good news is: there’s a part 2 AND a part 3! Hallelujah! There is a God!

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# 1 – ThanksKILLING

The names just keeps getting better and better, don’t they? Now as we all know, Thanksgiving is an important Christian holiday. And eating turkey is part of this good holiday. Turkey. A bird. A tasty meal. Why, with cranberry sauce and stuffing, it’s quite the treat. OR. IS IT? What if….the turkey was an evil, homicidal, abuse-spewing, fowl-mouthed (pun intended, snicker) maniac?? What…you may think. A killer turkey?! What a splendid idea! Who’s the genius whose work of art this baby is??? Has he been nominated for an Oscar yet??? Was he at Cannes? Or the Toronto Film Festival? Because let me tell you, this turkey, this ThanksKILLING Turkey is actually the spirit of a dead Red Indian who is out to kill the first set of white men (and women) it comes into contact with after a staggering 505 years!! The Poor Red Man! Anything that is evil and cursed is eventually linked to them e.g. afore mentioned SKELETON MAN. So anyway our turkey is a mean and nasty bugger who is not above noticing a well endowed chick. His appreciative comment: “Nice t*ts , bitch!” I think I died laughing somewhere around that mark and can thereafter, be found in heaven. The dialogues reserved for this bird of prey are quite choicy; the most popular ones ofcourse being the above-mentioned “Nice t*ts BITCH” AND  (get ready for it) “Gobble gobble, MOTHERF*CKER!” I’m serious. The turkey will invariably screech out GOBBLE GOBBLE MOTHERF*CKER right before it goes for the kill. Oh God! Oh save me, help me. I fell through the couch and was discovered there much later by an irate husband who insists that I MUST stop watching such crap.

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Categories: Celebrities, Movies & TV

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!

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3 Comments on “5 B-Grade horror flicks from HELL!!!”

  1. November 7, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    “teeth” seems like a absolute gem!!

  2. Essa
    November 4, 2011 at 8:21 pm #

    I think thanks killing will be fun to watch

  3. Kashan
    November 4, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    hehehe.
    thanks, im off to the dvd shop now. Got alot to do in the Eid holidays but…watching gingerDEADman just made the list

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