Pudina’s mammaries (memories), Lolita and Liaqat sahab

Lolita cucumeber-wala, a sought after, hip and young  psychiatrist  (previously known as  Madhuri Iqbal) has set up an office at her mother inlaw’s,  Aunty Buboo’s, beauty parlor  named Blushing Sadeequa, (which specializes in various ways of removing bodily hair). After one of her patients, Farmeen fainted and crashed into a donkey killing it instantly,  Lolita had to then go into hiding and commit identity theft. And change offices too.

Her mother in law,  Aunty Baboo is an Angelina Jolie lipped well known Bahawalpuri  socialite who owns five pairs of Lois Vuitton bags and had her blonde hair extensions flown in from Paris, with the help of her brother who is a pious and God fearing government official).   She just recently moved to Karachi to climb up the social ladder and is now trying desperately to obtain the Sindh Club’s membership.

Something tells me she’s never heard of OSHA.

Upon being asked how she felt about her daughter in law being an in demand psychiatrist she said, ‘I prouds, she do me good.  Very good to tell peoples that my the bahu psychiatrist, I bit jealous of her, why my baby beta give her so much attention he no give me attention anymore. I no like the way she do kaala jadu on my chanda beta and make him marry her and be her slave types.  I no trust her with my husband also, she too fast types. And her neck always showing the mans (we’re assuming she means her cleavage is always exposed). She make very tasty paaya and  khuna waisay – but I also thinks they do a sex before the suhaag raat marriage night, she no goods. But peoples think she a very westerned so I love her like the daughters.’ 

Currently Dr Lolita is having a session with the dance instructor turned choreographer Gulraiz, who had been hired by a very wealthy Memon family for their 16 year old fair skinned and well developed daughter Pudina Noor’s upcoming wedding  which will have 6 (Maybe 7 if Begum Nawazish Ali agrees to performing a mujra) functions.  And have the famous Emran Hashmi fly in (in PIA’s business class) from Bollywood do a topless dance on Dard-e Disco and Munni Badnam hui on the Mayun.

Gulraiz was in-charge of teaching Pudina’s 85 cousins and their cousins and friends of friends 59 different dances. It so happened that Pudina and Gulraiz struck a friendship and added each other on facebook and blackberry messenger.  They spend their nights talking to each other on the phone using their spare Zong sims.  He then started developing the urge to touch and squeeze her inappropriately, only to be  told by the blushing bride that the only time she will let a heterosexual man touch her will be on her wedding night and that too by her husband,  Balgum Jahan. Hence turning him into a heart broken porn addict who is constantly pleasuring himself. This resulted in an almost serious accident on Sea View, while driving down to buy double masala chicken tikka (thigh piece), the song “Pehli Nazar” by Atif Aslam started playing on the radio, before he knew it he was swamped by the Pudina’s memories, tears started pouring down his face and his blood rushed into his nether regions.

Pehli Nazar say bachnay ka waahid tariqa.

His urge got the better of him and he ended up losing control over his hot pink Suzuki and crashed into a pole, injuring a performing monkey. He was told to seek immediate psychiatric help when a crowd gathered around his car and two gay designers caught him still doing the deed while the car had crashed and smoke was coming out of the bonnet.  Thankfully his doctor, Dr Lolita agreed to see him the very next day. Primarily because his father is Dr Amir Liaqat. A very well known scholar.

Lolita, just having read up on Freud and his theories on psychoanalysis, for the first time, a mere night before, thought she would try to peel away the layers of this perverted dance instructor’s  mind and help him discover his innermost desires and dreams. She found this a lot harder than she thought it would be since she was a self declared and a very proud misogynist, who loved to prescribe all sorts of strange drugs which weren’t even legal in most countries.  Our reporter was not allowed inside the room while the session was in progress, but Lolita assured us she will ‘share the juicy details’ later, anonymously. She also stated she was a huge fan  of Dr Amir Liaqat and that she had helped their family through a incredibly testing time when someone dubbed a video of him uttering expletives, saying highly inappropriate things about his camera man’s mother. She is convinced that this was a below the belt Zionist conspiracy to destabilize our nation. And make us lose faith in our desi heroes.




Categories: The World I Know

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.


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One Comment on “Pudina’s mammaries (memories), Lolita and Liaqat sahab”

  1. November 4, 2011 at 12:32 am #

    ROTFL. I love this post. You rock Eman! great job!

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