4 things to do when you’re unemployed

Earlier Abdul Qadir told us what the world at large has been doing with breasts (besides that), and later some Paki songs from the 90s that make us feel that much cooler than the rest of the world. Now that he’s unemployed and broke he has a few tips others in his position might benefit from.

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If you’re anything like me, you’re not one to enjoy the prospect of being employed. Yes, it’s true that all that education and exposure had to lead to something, but for some reason, a permanent state of employment is not how I wanted to spend my grown up years… but then again, I have a nagging voice of reason [called a wife] that has convinced me that the alternative is getting fisted in the dark alley behind Rana Market, the one between the masjid and the school (yeah, you know what I’m talking about), and that too would yield only enough money to buy a roti and some saalun but once a day. Sadly, with my laziness and my belly enjoying a directly proportionate relationship, I’m afraid I’d have to observe infedility with the mohallay ka molvi more often than I would need to… possibly because the molvi would have a belly fetish… possibly.

On a related note, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is actually really, really good. Go buy it now!

Nonetheless, I’m blissfully unemployed for the time being with legitimate prospects for employment in sight. I’m also blissfully enjoying bumming around, which has prompted me to list down the top 4 things to do once you’re unemployed.

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# 4 – Finish them games you invested in

Sure, apply for jobs, look for employment, sow your seeds for that bright future… but fucking hell… Fallout 3? Nailed it. Fallout New Vegas? Fucking nailed it… a collective playing time of over 180 hours over lord knows how many days… there’s always enough time to give to everything! I tend to have a general aversion to all things RPG, but hell, I gots the time to get over my aversions and take the fucking bull by the horns.

Besides, ME3 doesn’t come out till summer 2012. Shit.

I just bought Modern Warfare 3, and I’m complete shit at first person shooters… I get owned like there’s no tomorrow… whatever team I join ends up hating me. I’m the only guy on a squad that nobody trusts watching their back. And then, to make it even better, they find out where I’m spawning and position a sniper to shoot my balls off every time I come back to life. I LIVE the myth of Sisyphus, motherfuckers! And now it’s time to polish them skills and throw a virtual bag of shit on that 15 year old with well defined thumbs who rules the very universe that I defined. You got homework to finish… me? Shit, between the molvi saab and the X360, I do nothing but polish my skills.

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# 3 – Doing jack shit

I never really appreciated the importance of doing jack shit until 2 things happened to me. The first one was me having a job. The second one was me getting married.

Whoever coined the term ‘It’s a dog’s life’ had no idea what they were talking about.

Now, I have so much spare time that the wife actually wants me to get lost. I have an understanding wife, so this works well… but think about it… even if your wife is succubus infinitum from the very depths of hell, if she see’s too much of your ugly mug around her voicing them opinions and fiddling with matters that ain’t yours to fiddle with, she will tear you a new one with time to spare. Capitalizing on this wonderful discovery, I was out roaming the streets at 2am with a friend who isn’t married… after about 20 minutes he couldn’t wait to get rid of me, making excuses that he had to be home to engage in family matters. I asked him what fucking family matters transpired at 2am and he just sat there quietly, sipping his beer, trying to make me uncomfortable by sneaking looks from the corner of his eyes. Me, on the other hand, refused to take the hint like the true bayrozgaar & beghairat that I am, shoved it up my ass and farted out my indifference.

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# 2 – Annoying other folks that have jobs

These are fast times we live in, and the folks we run with are impressionable. I enjoy every sick minute of calling up friends and laughing uncontrollably during the 9 to 5 grind they’re being subjected to, while they just sigh and try to make audible conversation for the sake of their peers that surround them.

I work long hours for minimum wage, that’s ‘what’s up’ asshole!

I get a blast from the thought that all anyone can probably hear from their phone is the sound of a hyena getting his kicks from watching two monkeys doing it. But then again, after 10pm, I sometimes get a call with nothing but hysterical laughter at the other end, while the molvi saab and I play the monkeys to the giggling hyena that is my friend. I may have to rethink this one.

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# 1 – Staying dirty

Ever wondered how long you could go on without a shower? Or how long you could grow your beard? Or wear a pair of shorts for so long that you forgot where the mustard stain came from? Or whether that mustard stain is really mustard or not? I’m telling you, this is it! This is the life! The whole shebang!

Trust me, it might not be much to look at but it feels great.

When else can you voluntarily look and feel like a grunge rocker well past his prime? Life’s little pleasures are abundant, folks, and there’s gags a-plenty! Being filthy also means that the wife wants nothing to do with you and has a restraining order along the lines of a 10 foot perimeter. Which takes you back to points numbered 1 & 2. Full cycle.

This is just some of the stuff I could come up with. Remember, I’m encouraging this… stay cool, stay unemployed… it’s 11pm now… time to haul my filthy ass to Rana Market for some lovin’.

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Abdul Qadir: Jesus man! You don’t look for acid! Acid finds you when ‘it’ thinks you’re ready.

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4 Comments on “4 things to do when you’re unemployed”

  1. November 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    LOL!!! Loved every bit of it! Kudos to you!

  2. November 28, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    ps I had no idea you had a thing for Mullahs. explains all the references you made to them on that photo of me 😛

  3. November 28, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    Love it. Great job once again cousin. This made me laugh out loud like a Hyena 😀

  4. Aqeel
    November 25, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    glad im not married or employed 😀

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