Jeay PTA hai hai – Why using words like “harder” and “deeper” is bad for you …

“Hai sadqay they have missed the word ‘nuts’ and ‘banana’,” yelled out Mr. Shayan Naveed, while scratching himself (and ogling at a female reporter from PTV) at a meeting held by supporters of the PTA ban on 1500 obscene and immoral words. “They also missed the words ‘between’ and ‘leg’,” a woman cried out from the crowd. Mr. Naveed, a staunch supporter of the thoughtful and intelligent ban PTA imposed in order the regulate our dignity and mental health by regulating the smses being sent and received. Pakistan, being the beautifully polar nation that it is, is going through yet another mini crisis bought upon by the new (much needed) rules of smsing.

Leading the group is Maulvi Syed Ammad Tahir. He tells us he was inspired to form a group in support of the PTA ban when he saw way too many people joking and laughing about it. He got especially angry when someone wrote an article in Express Tribune that actually made people think and critically analyse the cause and affects of this ban. Enough was enough he decided. He told us how he got so frustrated that he had no choice but to beat up his wife with a toaster, while she was threading her upper and lower lip. He then wore his shalwar and stormed out of the house to meet like minded people and share his wonderfully revolutionary ideas with them “An infidel loose charactered woman made a joke on facebook about how the Zionist invented word ‘ pussy’ should now be replaced with cat or kitty. And the word panties should be replaced with ‘kitty cover’ – I was so outraged! Adding insult to my painful injury someone then said that the word ‘Chutia’ will be replaced with ‘Catya’, ‘Kittya’ and ‘ Billi-yah’.”

I also read somewhere that the word cock-lover (another banned word) can be used as Murghay ki Mohabbat. And now, some crazy artists from Karachi have started a movement called “ Eff-you- see-kay -PTA”, Ammad told us, his voice dripping with pain and anger.

“Its an epidemic I tell you, . This is preposterous, Qiyamat ki nishani I tell you. It’s like their parents are the dajjal and the dajjalni,” he added, right after which he burst into tears.

On the other hand, Amna Iqbal a liberal memon (who is also a bit of a conspiracy theorist) is of the opinion that the PTA’s real aim is population control. By banning words like genitals and sex they want the Pakistani youth to think there is no such thing as sex and that being sexually aroused is a mental disorder– hence automatically regulating immoral activities involving penetration and playing with oneself. Our reporter managed to get through to the great Muhammad Talib Dogar , the director of PTA , who stated, “There is a shade of truth in that liberal memon’s statement, I urge (another word they forgot to graciously ban) all of you to read the letter I wrote with such love and passion (this man needs his own censor board). There is nothing more important than a man’s decency and dignity. And by using such dirty language people not only degrade each other but also indirectly question the two nation theory, defame Pakistan and Islam.”

Another Lady Gaga loving liberal told our reporter that she thinks PTA is like an attention seeking Lollywood actress, who feels that pulling off stupid stunts and attracting people’s attention is important to keep her career going (like the time Veena Malik announced she was ‘sponsoring a hindu girl’ or every single time Meera tries to converse in English for that matter).

Mr. Naveed and Mr. Ammad are now talking to leading Muslim psychiatrists and linguists, with the aim to produce pamphlets and posters with proper rational reasons for supporting the ban. “These words are the death of our great language Urdu. It used to be the language of the muslims of the subcontinent. The great Mughals used to speak in something that resembled Urdu, now look what these
disrespectful youngsters have turned it into,” stated Bibi Rabia Ashfaque , a teacher and a PHD in Jamaat- e- Islaami studies. “This ban will ensure Urdu does not mutate in some strange Godforsaken, devil worshipping form.”

They have also requested a famous pop star Saleem Javed to endorse this campaign and his face will now appear on the pro ban posters.

Joining forces with these two gallant men is Lolita Cucumberwala, she is currently trying to write an article on the negative impacts on our mental well being by being called asshole and fucking bitch by a loved one. It will aptly be titled, “How to heal and start loving yourself again when called a fucking kutya.”

Political analysts predict that this is just the beginning – the good for nothing, alcohol consuming liberals have vowed to come up with more substitutes for banned words. They are, unfortunately much more educated and have better technical skills. But fortunately they are much less in number.

“There is no way you can call someone a “choot maror” and not mess around with their self esteem – Pakistan is going through a dark period and we need to keep their morale as high as we can. The other day a patient, I don’t want to name him but lets just call him Shayan Naveed. (Mr. Shayan Naveed then runs out of the room and Lolita looks fairly embarrassed but she continues her story). “He came upto me crying hysterically. After I calmed him down by giving him 3 Xanaxes he told me his friends kept saying ‘choti lulli’ to him  We have to protect the youth from themselves and this is the first step towards it. Keeping this heart wrenching incident in mind I told Dogar darling to ban the phrase ‘chotti lulli’,” Loltia told us.

(This report suddenly ended when Lolita was informed that PTA had also banned the word Lolita, she had to cut the interview short and schedule a quick meeting with the Mr. Dogar)

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Categories: Science & Tech

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.

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3 Comments on “Jeay PTA hai hai – Why using words like “harder” and “deeper” is bad for you …”

  1. November 28, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    OMG Emaan you have outdone yourself on this one. I loved this piece.

  2. Nidz
    November 25, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    OMG!!!!!! besides raising the eyebrows on its lingo….it ws DAMN funny….good one….

  3. November 25, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    hahahhahahha. i really really enjoyed that mani!

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