3 of the more obnoxious online commentators

You know, the internet is a great thing… no, no let’s be real. It’s given a voice to any number of ignoramuses and ill mannered dregs of society, who we didn’t even know existed back in the 80s. It’s funny because in the real world they might actually be very different people, but once the anonymity (or safety) a laptop and internet connection affords them it’s almost as if the veneer of civility and decency are washed away. I’m sure this speaks volumes about the human condition and blah blah blah… but that’s boring and it’s not what this article is about. Instead let’s take a look at this sub species of humanity that is referred to, in scientific circles, as Imperious Douchebagius.


# 3 – The one that thinks he knows it all

You know this kind, they’re found lurking in every corner of the internet. They think they know everything… about everything! Their opinion is all that matters and is the only one that bears semblance to sanity and rationality. It’s this person who can with little more than a moment’s thought, and vague memories of O level’s Chemistry, ascertain whether life may exist on Saturn’s moons and whether NASA is wasting all that money on supercilious expeditions. Not all those professional scientists and engineers who’ve only dedicated their lives to this cause, what a ludicrous supposition.

And this same person is equally imbued with the knowledge of all manner of complexities be they political, religious, sociological, etc, ad infinitum.

Some of them might even be intelligent, but they’re so drunk on what intellect they’ve accidentally come into possession of that one is inclined to disagree with them even when they make sense.

How they view themselves:

How they are viewed by others:



# 2 – The one that thinks he can backtrack and nitpick his earlier comments and no one will notice

More often than not, this specimen tends to overlap the afore mentioned, morphing into a kind of uber douche caricature of Voltron. After having said something that would make a rotten zombie corpse sit up and say ‘Waitaminute!’, and consequently been called out on it (hey this is the internet), will backtrack and try to work out a means of egress for his battered pride. Like a skulking rodent that has just barely dodged that broom aimed at its head.

With such brilliant gems as, “When I said ‘you’re an asshole’ I didn’t mean YOU in particular. I meant the collective sum of humanity and society. Jeez… stop being so sensitive.”

And then sits back and pats himself on the back for a job well done, basking in the glory of his subtle manoeuvring and intricate finesse.

How they view themselves:

How they are viewed by others:


# 1 – The one that thinks he’s being  super witty while insulting people

The internet bears witness to a strange phenomenon, otherwise normal and perhaps even amiable individuals instantly become bigoted and rude little trolls without a moment’s hesitation. Or perhaps it’s their normal selves that’s the facade? Hmm… doesn’t speak well for humanity as a whole, given the sheer volume of unwarranted and disproportionate insults being tossed back and forth on the internet.

This commenter might be the most populous, I have no references to back that up, it’s just a hunch. But everywhere you turn there’s name calling and petty squabbling. To me it seems these folks just have such severe feelings of inadequacy that the only way they can feel better about themselves is by putting the other one down. And most of them aren’t even very creative, they’re using hackneyed, done to death insults and comebacks that perhaps they believe no one has heard before.

And when you give up out of sheer exasperation and an unwillingness to indulge the troll further, he bathes in his victory with all the glory of a conquering general.

“Haha! You suck, I win. I always win. Hahahah!”

Though in real life he’d probably be the one sitting in the corner of the room with no one to talk to and unable to raise his voice above a whimper if someone initiated a conversation.

How they view themselves:

How they are viewed by others:

There are far too many to list in entirety here; let’s see what the comment section yields.



Categories: Science & Tech

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"


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5 Comments on “3 of the more obnoxious online commentators”

  1. December 13, 2011 at 1:06 am #

    Nice read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing a little research on that. And he just bought me lunch because I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch!

  2. Rumi
    December 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    brilliant article! good job 😀

  3. Faiz
    December 3, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Inspired by Cracked.com?

  4. Samia
    December 3, 2011 at 2:35 am #

    sounds like some ppl i know. some really ANNOYING ppl

  5. Alliya
    December 2, 2011 at 12:49 am #

    hahaha!! spot on! piece of art this 😀

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