3 tips by Sahir Lodhi – that make you want to punch him in the face

There are a scant few things in this world that might justify premeditated homicide. For instance, when people give you one ringers so that you call them back. Or at other times when people glue their hands to the car horn despite being stuck in the middle of a traffic jam. Sahir Lodhi giving you ‘tips’, as he likes to call them, on how to lead a more fulfilling and Lodhi-esque lifestyle is one of them. For those of you who know of Sahir Lodhi, he needs no introduction. He’s that pompous, annoying jack-ass with more hair than personality. For those of you who don’t know of him, you’re not missing out on much. He’s like the Kim Kardashian of Pakistan, sans rocking body and ass that the UN has classified as a WMD.

*drooooool*

This man, though, is so obviously in love with himself, and so overly melodramatic in every single enunciation that all he’s short of for winning Drag Queen of the year award is a padded bra and a catchy catchphrase like ‘Lodhi ki dhodhi’… which is what I intend to do, so read on.

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# 3 – Sahir Lodhi’s ‘Discover yourself programme’

Yes. You read that correctly, and I didn’t make up the title. And no, this is not an instructional video for boys and girls just entering the realms of puberty. Though with a face like he has and a title like that it all but screams ‘Please lock me up before I molest any more children.’ Speaking of his face, his smug expression makes me think he’s broken particularly lethal wind and is quite pleased with himself for having chased everyone out of the room.

You’ll have to crank your volume up because the audio in these videos is quite poor.

A simple act that if you start doing today will help you in the future? Something you’ve done 10,000 times before? (Never been that horny I can assure you). Oh no wait… after having seen that video I just can’t get child molesters out of my mind, for some odd reason. Can it be the shifty eyes? The unbuttoned shirt that puts you in mind of an 80s villain from a Bollywood exploitation flick?

But no, even though he might look like a pedo, he’s talking about keeping a diary.

Because, as he puts it, it’ll help you remember what you did during the day. And he’s right I mean that has to be the only way you can keep an ENTIRE day’s worth of memories locked away… if you’re the guy from Memento, or a fucking goldfish.

“Trust me, koi sawal mujh say na keejiyay, kuch mat sochiyay…” 

Moments before you turn your back on him and he chlorophorms your under age ass and drags you into the back of his tinted Suzuki Bolan. The irony of the car’s name was not intended… though it is now.

That’s strike one Sahir Lodhi, you and your toupee are just asking for it now.

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# 2 – Sahir Lodhi’s ‘The art of forgiveness’

Herein, the wise and sagacious Sahir Lodhi decides he wants to teach the world how to forgive people. To the layman it might seem like he does so for purely altruistic reasons. But to me it’s obvious he wants all those children he molested to forgive him and perhaps even love him. That sneaky bastard.

But no, I’m being too harsh on him. I’m sure he means well.

I was beginning to eat my words until 0:52 happened. Why don’t you take another look.

“Yaar mairey baalon ka bohat problem hai sorry, (indecipherable gurgling) one of my sensitive things.”

He’s like a strutting peacock without the pea. He’s so deluded that when he uses his other hand for ‘Self Discovery’ he thinks he’s being promiscuous. He’s so inexplicably vain that each morning he ask’s his mirror who’s the fairest of them all, and so stupid that he has yet to figure out why it always cracks.

Firstly Lodhi, you need to wipe that stuff off your neck… oh wait… is that a double chin? I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you have goitre. Oh you don’t? What’s that you say? It’s a leftover from before you morphed into a man? Now how could that be?

Moving on to 1:20, ‘Jab tak aapka ye dil gavahi na dey…’ Yaar… stop it, stop it, stop it! Nobody likes you, no one is listening to you (his youtube vids have gotten a maximum of a 100 odd views), stop pretending like they are! And no all that horrible over acting won’t land you a role in a Bollywood movie, they have enough shoddy actors as it is.

That’s strike two punk.

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# 1 – Sahir Lodhi ‘What is love?’

You know he had to go there. He fancies himself some strange romantic who’s on a first name basis with intimacy. Though I doubt his intimacy extends beyond the borders of ‘Self discovery’. But on a side note, for someone who makes ‘Tip of the day’ type videos, the least he can do is change his shirt so it seems like he’s doing this on different days. Or at the very least move the camera a couple of feet to either side. Do something to prove that you’re not as unintelligent as you are creepy and self absorbed.

“Qasmain, vaday, nibhanaan, dating, poondi shoondi…”

Hold the fucking pedo-flag for a second my friend. Did he just say ‘poondi shoondi’ is an act of love? Or at least an expression of it? He’s like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest, what are we supposed to do with this guy? No Sahir Lodhi, when you look at yourself in the mirror it might be considered an expression of love, seeing as to how that’s probably the only way you can orgasm. But ‘poondi shoondi’ is in no shape or form an expression of love. I bet you have a red Alto with neon blue lights stapled to the chasis and the words ‘Danger eyes’ slapped across the rear windscreen. If that’s how you used to pick up chicks it doesn’t bode well for the human race as a whole, but at least it was probably at best inbreeding and at worst muddying of the gene pool in what was an already weakened strain.

The almost earnest tone of voice while he elaborates on his favourite subject makes me want to puke out my kidneys just so I have something to stuff in my ears to block out this drivel.

That’s strike three Lodhi. Now you’ve done it. The kid gloves come off. Someone has to shut you up for good…..

NOO!! NOOOOO! I give up, you win!! You win!! Just please stop…..

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Categories: Celebrities, Movies & TV

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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7 Comments on “3 tips by Sahir Lodhi – that make you want to punch him in the face”

  1. Khalid
    July 1, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

    If only i could hand over him to mahsood tribe.. With a note
    ”Sahir lodhi ki jaan uski gand se nikalo”

  2. Aee
    December 19, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    he such a retard ! i mean why would you put him on t.v , the only people who watch and love him , have an I.Q of a monkey ! i hate him so much , everytime i see him on the t.v i want to slap the crap out of his fake ass !

  3. Alliya
    December 10, 2011 at 4:18 am #

    he’s intolerable! this article is hilarious though!!

  4. December 9, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    He’s an annoying brat :/

  5. Samia
    December 9, 2011 at 1:46 am #

    Sahir Lodhi is a pin-head. he should be flogged and made an example of…..he’s so annoying that it’s not even amusing. this is the first time i’ve actually laughed in his context.

  6. Mishal
    December 9, 2011 at 12:40 am #

    what the hell was that at the end? i couldnt make out a word he was saying

  7. Usman
    December 9, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    i hate him so much i dont even need three reasons to punch him in his stupid face

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