A reply from Chimkoo

Not too long ago we documented a doting mother’s voice-mail to her son who’d gone off to London for some high quality education. Because we all know how great the education system is in the UK, ‘vahaan pay to bacha bacha engraizi bolta hai.’ Now we get to see what mummy’s little boy had to say in return.

A word of advice, this is meant to be read out loud.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mummy,

Thenks for woicemail. I laued it. I miss vary much. Peoples here at university are wary noice. Avaryone inwites me to all the parteez and they lau my dannus mowes. But not to worry, I am not partying, I am studying wary hardt. I am sorry I could not attend fooncall before. I was studying on the library as you said in your woicemail.

But I am not heppy with da weather here in Laundun. It is always rain. Rain. Rain. Oh I went to see Laundun bridge. Aap ko yaad ho ga iskool mei hum kaisey nursery rhyme gaatey thay “Laundun Bridge is falling down, fallingdown”? Haan bilkul, wohi wala bridge tha. Bilkul humarey Jinnah Flyover ki tarah tha.

I have one Scot friend. He is Scotland. Sometimes it is difficult to understand what he is saying. For examples, he used to say “V” when he wanted something small. I did not understand this “v”. When I told him the word for small is not “v” but in fact it is littul, he told me he did not understand my anglaish.

I also don’t have the heart to tell him make-up is for the womens.

I told him I went to anglaish medium iskool in Gujarat. The most bastast one. Mummy, I know what you and Papa did for me – you send me to bast iskool so I can becum angineer. But Mummy, please tall Papa that I am finding angineer course wary difficult.

Asal mei, I think I am also the homesick. I want to have maash ki daal for khana and I want you to rub oil in my headlike you use too. Rano theek hai? Tall Rano I have boughted handbag for her. I got from sale and I got in radtcolurs.

Mummy I have decided for you I will buyed parfume. Here there is a desi area called “Green Street”. Lots of Pakistanis here. I will buyed something for from here. All the goris wear it too. It is called Versays “Redt Jeans”. Bara specially hai!

Also Mummy thenks for the package. I enjoy wary much the cotton bunyans – like I said, it is wary cold here and the bunyans keep me cold. Mummy, please sand me some more bunyans for my frand here who is from Lucknow. He is Indian but he cooking me aloo bhaji when I want. So as thank you I give him Pakistani bunyans.

But ples send one without bum.

I don’t know if I will come in Summer holeedayz. Papa say I have to find job. So I have decided ti join taxi firm. Ican also study and work then. If I don’t come in garmiyon ki chatoyant than pleas sand me aam ki paiti. I missaam.

Mummy I know you worry I will marry gori. Not to worry ma. I will come back and marry whoever you chose. Because mummy you know I will do what you tall me because you are my mummy and I am your puttar. But mummy yeh yaad rakhna keh agar kissee gori sey shaadi na ki tau passport kaisey miley ga?

Oh also mummy, do not worry, I am eating halal foods here. These goras are so ganda they eat soor so I buyed new pirch pyali and plate. My bartan is always paak and pure. Here is a Bengali who sell good gosht so I buyed from him. But here in Laundun sub itna mehngha hai keh phat gayee!

Acha mummy I have to go now because I need to wash clothes. Hai life is so difficults here, but inshallah if I don’t eat soor and do not marry a gori and get job as taxi driver and graduation as a angineer then all will be well.

Mera pyaar aur salaam sab ghar walon ko.

Allah-Hafiz,

Aapka red (you know ‘lal’)

Shoaib  Butt.

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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One Comment on “A reply from Chimkoo”

  1. Aamna
    December 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

    “Bilkul humarey Jinnah Flyover ki tarah tha.”

    Actually made me laugh out loud. Funnayyy! 😀

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