5 interview gaffes that guarantee you’ll never land the job

At the company I work for, interviewing candidates against vacancies is part of my job. It makes for interesting work, but over the years I’ve come to realise that most people are completely clueless as to general interview etiquette. And these are all business graduates and engineers we’re talking about. The supposedly educated strata of our society.

So here then is my advice to the unwashed masses, about what NOT to do when you go in for an interview.

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# 5 – Don’t wear a Mickey Mouse tie and try to maintain hygiene

Look, let’s be real, interviews no matter how structured and professional aren’t an exact science. At the end of the day it boils down to the interviews personal judgement.

And if you’re wearing a fucking Mickey Mouse tie when interviewing for an office job, you’re just asking to not be taken seriously. To you it might seem it says ‘Hey, I’m young at heart and I’m not afraid to show it.’ To the interviewer it say, ‘He’s immature and has yet to graduate to the big boy potty.’

But let’s be honest, it brings out your eyes.

And for crying out loud, at least brush your hair before you come in. Don’t walk in like you just rolled out of bed and after a particularly rabid wet dream and walked into my office. And last but not least, keep your nails trimmed, if you’re a dude, and clean if you must keep them long. Because right from the moment I accidentally shake your hand I’m going to be thinking about the many communicable diseases I might have been transferred rather than how right you might be for the job.

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# 4 – If you have a strange growth ask for a reschedule

The other day this interviewee walked into the room, and like a homing device my eyes locked onto this grotesque growth on his neck. It was big, bulbous and hairy. Plus he’d applied what I assume to be medicated cream that kind of made it look like it was a mini volcano from the twilight zone that was erupting a creamy, vomit inducing residue.

It’s like a really hot chick showing a generous amount of cleavage. You can’t help but direct your attention to them. Even though it’s nowhere near as picturesque.

My that’s a lovely pair of twins you have there.

So if you have one of those, it’s better to ask for a rescheduled interview and explain your ill health, rather than making certain you won’t be called back.

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# 3 – Don’t bring your father along to plead your case

This one time (at band camp), this fresh graduate applied for a job. He was shortlisted and called in for a preliminary interview. Having passed that he was set up with a second interview with me.

I wasn’t planning on grilling him. It was an entry level position and I don’t expect kids to know much beyond what they learnt in school. But as the door opened in walked the pretty lilt thang and his dad. Who initially insisted on sitting in on the interview, and when I declined asked me to ‘accommodate’ his son in the most fawning tone I’ve ever had directed at me.

Don’t worry pops, he’s in good hands.

So obviously I had to fail him, not only was he not the best applicant we had, but if I had passed him that fat father of his would have though it was his doing. So… no!

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# 2 – Don’t flirt with me, it won’t work (unless you’re really hot)

So far it’s been mainly dudes. This one here is for the ladies. Don’t flirt with me, don’t bat your eye lashes and take deep, heaving bosom type breaths… unless you’re really hot.

Or look like Sienna Miller, in which case… why are you here again?

I’ve had a few female interviewees who thought that they could land the job by some subtle and some not so subtle flirtation… but I have that effect on women. Regardless, they didn’t get the job because it reeks of desperation and is entirely unprofessional conduct.
Unless of course if you’re pretty… hey I don’t make the rules!

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# 1 – Don’t fart during the interview

This should be a no brainer. Kind of like how you have to breathe out each time you do in. But strange as it may sound, it seems some people need to be schooled on this. Perhaps it was the fourth ‘parantha’ you stuffed down your gob earlier in the morning. Maybe it’s some sort of bizarre mating call from whatever backwater dive you’re from (I’m flattered but I don’t swing that way).

Does that mean… we’re going steady?

But when there are only two people in a room, and one of them (me) has control over what biological odours he emits in public… then that awful, rank smell was you. And that means this interview is over.