5 reasons to frequent the local gym

The gym, or as the more ingenious put it ‘game’, is someplace where everyone at some point has wanted to be in. Because if there’s one thing that beauty magazines and pop culture have taught us it’s this: looking good is by far the most cherished human characteristic. But getting in, and staying in are two different things. Finding the right motivational tool is probably one of it’s biggest challenges.

Being good samaritans we earlier told you how to lose weight. And now this, so consider this Big Pen’s venture into corporate social responsibility. You’re welcome.

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# 5 – The hotties

The gym is where the action is. That’s where all the cute, young things hang out. Take it from me; I have written a THESIS on the heavenly bodies that can be found there. Rock-hard abs, six-packs, flexed muscles, triceps shiceps,…you get the picture? Where else can you partake of the uninterrupted viewing pleasure of a taut bod running the treadmill, lifting weights, cycling the cycle, doing the crunches etc etc. All in the most pleasing positions, might I add. Let’s face it: chicks dig fit guys. It’s really as simple as that. We might ‘tolerate’ the paunch that has eternally befriended our beloved significant other, but honestly, it’s the fit guys that have us turning to look twice. Or thrice.

You not so much.

And if you’re a dude, it’s even better. It’s a chick-fest there, my ogling friends! Why, some of the bimbos at my local gym look like they’ve pranced off the pages of Sports Illustrated what with their impossibly skinny behinds, their non-existent tums, their stiff blow-dried hair, their skimpy work-out outfits and their overly made up faces (where are they coming from, who are they – ex-Victoria’s Secret Angels??? – why are they even AT the gym and WHY on earth don’t they sweat????)  It’s enough to make a not-so-thin girl positively growl in envy and suppressed fury! Because let’s face it, we THE NORMAL PEOPLE can never look like that. But these annoying beauties just may motivate you into puffing and panting even harder on the treadmill, in your dowdy sweatpants with the baggy sweatshirt, in a vain attempt to look like them. So there’s something positive that comes out of that atleast. One is inclined, however, to pacify oneself by thinking “oh well, wait till SHE has a baby….” OR “I’m happy being me; I’d rather have those few extra pounds than be anorexic” and other such pleasant thoughts.

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# 4 – The fatties

Now there is only one reason why I, atleast, hang around the gym. To feel better about myself and my jiggly parts. To soothe my frazzled nerves and to assure myself that it COULD be worse. Because along with The Hotties, there are of course also The Fatties. You know the type. The ones that are so fat, their stomach (with all due respect ofcourse) enters the room before them. The ones that are so fat they couldn’t even jump to a conclusion. The ones that are so fat that when they step on the scale, it says “One at a time please.”

‘Nobody knows my pain,’ – Lamentations of a chair, by Wordsworth.

The ones that are so fat that whether they stand up or lie down, their height wouldn’t change. These poor devils are generally the ones that are always working it the hardest. Sweating and puffing on the elliptical, pounding that treadmill for all they are worth, cycling the cycle like people possessed. These are the ones that make you go “Ah, there’s hope for me yet.” Then you start feeling good about yourself. “I’m not that fat. I’m in pretty decent shape,” you think. So unknowingly, these poor souls have contributed towards your relatively higher self esteem and your going home smug and satisfied and not feeling guilty about that tub of ice-cream you pigged out on last night.

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# 3 – The kick – ass cafe

Now I don’t know about your gym, but mine has the MOTHER of ALL cafeterias. Which is pretty mean and self-serving on the part of the management. Sort of defeats the entire purpose of a gym. They do it on purpose I tell you; those meanies managing the gym. They WANT us to remain fat so that we’ll never ever cancel our membership. They want us gymming till the time we’re 90 year old toothless buggers. Just as long as we keep paying that membership fee. And they’ll feed us a bunch of hokey pokey nonsense; “it’s good for you and your heart ” being right at the top of their BS.  Beware of such evil and sinful pleasures as a cafeteria at the gym! But there it is. Tantalising and alluring as can be! The wraps in there are to die for!

‘Honest the protein will help you build some lean muscle mass.’

Served with the healthiest of ingredients. Or so they claim. But let’s get real. A wraps a wrap. Juicy and succulent. Dripping with so-called “healthy” sauces, served with hearty chunks of meat. Drool. And the Cafeteria Guy is pretty cute too. Not to mention fit! He claims he has 2 wraps a day! Why, all the more reason for me to frequent the cafeteria after a strenuous workout. We smile at each other every day while he cosily leans over the counter (his biceps bulging out a mile, I tell you, A MILE) and whispers intimately “Try the strawberry smoothie with that wrap. It’s pretty good.” Yes sir! Whatever you say, you son of Brad Pitt you. With him making the sale, I’d try my own mother with the wrap if I had to, not just that smoothie! Oh, Will Power, where Art thou when I needeth thou most??

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# 2 – The cool / sexy factor

 “Sorry, I can’t make it to your party, my Aerobics class is at 8, you see…”

“I’ve been working on my abs you know. Yes yes please feel free to touch them..”

“I love working out. Healthy living is the only way to go….”

“Olympic bars, reps, resistance training, spotting, circuit training. Yes yes, been there, done that…”

“Yes, I go to the gym quite regularly Sir….you do too? How marvellous! Now about that pay raise….”

Pssssssst. A word of advice to all you fellow fatties out there. Working out is considered cool, hip and sex-ay in this day and age. It’s very “yo.” Only the real L-O-S-E-R-S don’t visit the gym. All The Movers and The Shakers are found at the gym. Gymmers are synonymous with being movey and shakey. Go-getters. Goal oriented. Future leaders. Dedicated and devoted to their cause. Health conscious (which, if you live on Planet Earth, you’d know is the current phenomena world over. Being HEALTH CONSCIOUS) Etc etc. So if you want to be accepted in The World of the Cool and The Hip, then visit the gym, my fat friend.

Just looking at those will shed 2 pounds – scientific fact.

And if you absolutely cannot get your lazy behind off of that favourite couch, then at least learn the lingo as outlined above. And use it generously. A sprinkling here. A dash there. Use it amongst your work-mates, your buddies, your boss. The ladies. Trust me, mate. Nothing is more appealing to the ladies than the thought of a sweaty, grimy, MANLY man sweating it out in the weights training section. I should know. I keep my eagle eye zoned in in that direction even as I laboriously and unwillingly walk that treadmill at the break-neck speed of 2. Appreciating God’s finer works of art that are unknowingly and innocently doing that which one is “supposed” to at the gym….

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# 1 – Working out….

….I mean, if you must.  You never know. It might even do you some earthly good!

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Categories: Sports & Fitness

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!

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