An interview with Quaid-e-Azam – BigPen Exclusive!

Quaid-e-Azam gave us a new homeland and for that we should forever be grateful, he was one of those rare men who left an indelible legacy in his wake.

Now, most of you might not know this but I’m a level 72 Mage in WoW – and inexplicably those powers have translated to what the sheeple refer to as ‘the real world’. With this most fortuitous, yet unsurprising, arcane prowess I performed a ritual séance and brought you this interview with the Mac Daddy himself. You can thank me by sending donations to my WoW account – Ali512-LORDDEMONBALLS.

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Ali Raza: Mr. Jinnah can I just say this interview is an honour?

Quaid-e-Azam: What? Where am…

AR: In fact I just said it… LOL… scratch that. I’m sorry for taking you away from the rivers of milk and all but I take my job very seriously. I just wanted to see what you thought of our progress so far.

QA: Who are y…?

AR: HAHA I meant progress of Pakistan and not Big Pen obviously. Just thought I’d clarify… in case… you know… you have been out of the loop for a while. LOL!

 I hear you can just barely get a 3G signal in there.

QA: Interrupt me one more time young man.

AR: …..

…………

QA: You can still speak though.

AR: Phew!

QA: Well, let’s get to it then.

AR: Why the rush? It’s not like you have to be somewhere in a hurry!!! HAHA…. umm… sorry. Well I read the first presidential address you gave to the constituent assembly of Pakistan back in ’47. And just thought we’d celebrate how impeccably the country has done since.

QA: Sounds reasonable.

AR: Okay so you said “The first and the foremost thing that I would like to emphasize is this: remember that you are now a sovereign legislative body and you have got all the powers.”

At this point during the interview a fell and foul creature from the depths of Hell broke my magical restraints and invited himself to join the interview – to not frighten me with his terrifying features (because demons are courteous like that) he took on the guise of a popular TV anchor – Sahir Lodhi.

Gah!! Kill it! Kill it before it breeds!!

I promptly fainted and awoke to find QA slapping me back to consciousness. And then the interview began in earnest.

Demon Scum: I just thought a neutral third party might help bring forward the facts as they’ve unfolded.

That’s when I realised this demon was probably a Jewish spy sent to ruin this nationalistic and inspiring interview with our great leader. His ‘facts’ would probably be propaganda and lies meant to malign our many achievements.

DS: Here’s what happened since then. 1958 – 1969 – Ayub Khan, 1969 – 1971 – Yahya Khan, 1977 – 1988 – Zia Ul Haq, 1999 – 2008 – Pervaiz Musharaf. 2008 to date – drone strikes that have killed hundreds of non combatants. Foreign intelligence agents killing locals and getting away Scot-free. Sovereignty you said?

QA: That can’t be right. I made it clear power was to rest with government institutions and not the armed forces. We were meant to arise as a democratic nation that stood shoulder to shoulder with the other leading countries of the world. And why would you let foreigners use your bases to bomb your own people?

AR: Okay that’s kind of an exaggeration.

DS: So you’re saying those military coups never happened?

AR: No.

DS: Then you’re saying they did?

AR: No.

DS: Well… it has to be one way or the other? Which one is it?

AR: Yes.

I learnt long ago how to deal with Jewish spies. This demon was in for the mother of all mind games.

QA: This is ridiculous…

AR: Well to be honest you were a little vague. When you said ‘sovereign’ we weren’t sure what you meant. Did you mean the British currency? You meant the currency didn’t you? Because we’ve been doing that; oh boy and how! And not only ‘sovereigns’ but we’ve even got a ton of greenbacks too!!

That’s a lot of sovereignty right there.

DS: Look I’m pure evil in the guise of Pakistan’s most beautiful human (I threw up a little in my mouth then) but even I wouldn’t take it to mean that.

AR: Yes.

DS: …..

AR: Moving on.

I had made my point. The Jewish spy realised I was onto him. I could sense his fear – everyone knows the raised middle finger is Hebrew for ‘Dammit this valiant Muslim is onto me’. I had experienced it many times. You’d be surprised how many Pakistani traitors have been inducted into the MOSSAD.

AR: You then said, “One of the biggest curses from which India is suffering – I do not say that other countries are free from it, but, I think our condition is much worse – is bribery and corruption. That really is a poison. We must put that down with an iron hand and I hope that you will take adequate measures as soon as it is possible for this Assembly to do so.”

QA: I did indeed. We as a people suffered from it greatly. I am sure Pakistan mended these corners and now stands as a bastion of honesty and transparency to the civilised world.

AR: We have indeed, in fact…

DS: Transparency International’s Corruption Perceptions Index scored Pakistan 2.5 in 2009, 2.3 in 2010 and 2.5 in 2011…

AR: Out of 5, Mr. Jinnah.

DS: …out of 10, asshole!

AR: I’d rather you not speak to our founding father that way.

DS: I meant you dimwit. Anyway, in 2011 only 42 countries were ranked worse than you on the index of most corrupt nations on the planet.

Everyone’s allowed at least one weakness. Do we begrudge Superman his kryptonite?

QA: Is this true?

AR: No of course not! Those figures have been manipulated and fabricated by the Western-Zionist regimes.

DS: That’s your answer to everything isn’t it?

AR: Yes.

DS: So are you saying everything is actually a conspiracy? Or do you accept that you attribute everything to foreign conspiracies?

AR: Yes.

The demon’s Sahir Lodhi face bared its teeth at me and emitted a guttural growl. I was winning.

AR: The third point you made was: “These blackmarketeers are really knowing, intelligent and ordinarily responsible people, and when they indulge in black-marketing, I think they ought to be very severely punished, because the entire system of control and regulation of foodstuffs and essential commodities, and cause wholesale starvation and want and even death.”

AR: I think even SRK’s evil clone here can’t debate that.

DS: Sugar hoarding, wheat hoarding, tomatoes and potatoes, lentils, onions…

AR: Yes.

QA: But… you were meant to be one people. United and with common purpose. Why would such travesty be allowed to exist?

DS: Because the powers that be are the very ones who are doing this.

This Jewish spy was testing my patience. I wasn’t going to sit back and let him insult our revered leaders.

QA: But why not vote them out? Bring in people who are honest and decent? Who want to help the common man?

Common-man? Is that Superman’s retarded younger cousin that everyone pretends doesn’t exist?

DS: Dynasties my friend. It almost reads like an afternoon soap.

QA: But I clearly remember saying, “I want to make it quite clear that I shall never tolerate any kind of jobbery, nepotism or any influence directly or indirectly brought to bear upon me. Whenever I will find that such a practice is in vogue or is continuing anywhere, low or high, I shall certainly not countenance it.”

AR: Look we’re going off topic – as Jewish spies are want to do – but I’ve got a strict schedule here. Let’s just stick to my questions shall we?

QA: Look here I need to know…

AR: Hey! Is that Iqbal?

My quick thinking helped change the topic and steer the conversation away from the Jewish spy’s manipulation. Though they both seemed a bit perturbed. So I figured I’d liven it up a bit.

AR: On a related note, what do you call a man with just one hair on his behind?

DS: Please don’t…

QA: It’s been done to dea…

AR: IQ-BAL BUTT!!!! LOOOOOLLLLLOLOLO!!!

AR: Okay back to business. You’re final piece of advice was “You are free; you are free to go to your temples, you are free to go to your mosques or to any other place or worship in this State of Pakistan.”

QA: Well I certainly hope that was respected, it is after all only civilised and Muslim to do so. I myself was from a minority, if you recall.

AR: I am proud to say we have fully integrated and assimilated all minorities.

DS: Yes like how a shark would ‘assimilate’ a school of guppies. Or how an Ahmadi or a Shi’ite would be ‘assimilated’ in a Sipah-e-Sahaba rally.

AR: What’s your point?

DS: 1974 – Ahmadis were declared non-Muslims, Church bombings in major cities continue to date, Shia processions and mosques are frequently targeted by extremists and the blasphemy laws used as instrument of repression and score settling against minorities.

QA: The blasphemy laws? You still have them? Those were created by the British to maintain the peace, why would you still…?

AR: Okay you Sahir Lodhi doppelganger. I’ve had enough. You insulted my country, my leaders, our integrity and you did it all in the shape of a very beautiful, sexy man with locks ol’ Nessie could live in – although that’s spelt Loch and not lock – but still. Your Jewish lies need to stop. What about our Christian minister?

DS: Killed.

AR: And our liberal governor?

DS: Also killed.

AR: And our Ahmadi Nobel Laureate?

DS: Disavowed and exiled.

AR: How about our liberal ex-PM?

DS: … Have you ever even read a newspaper? Or do you just make stuff up as it occurs to you?

AR: Yes.

I had decided this interview wasn’t going as planned. I had to pull the plug on this Zio-Nazi conspiracy.

QA: I would never have thought this possible. To what depths have you fallen?

I called upon the vast counter intelligence training I had learnt from Zaid Hamid’s jaunty red beret, and pulled the patented ‘left ka indicator dey kar right mur jao’ move.

Saucy little thing isn’t it? I wonder if it comes in megalomaniac?

AR: Look Kim Kardashian!

They kept looking at me though, didn’t even shift focus. It would seem I was foiled.

QA: What have you people done to my legacy? You’ve ruined it!! That’s just great!

AR: AHA! So you admit we’ve done, and I quote, ‘great’! That’s it no more questions, this interview is over. HA-hahahaha!!!!

I headed for the window, intending to jump through it and brave a daring escape as glass shattered all around me. But after banging my head against it a few times I realised it was harder than it looked. But by the time I turned around both of them were gone.

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So there you have it, in a nutshell the legendary QA (or ‘Kay’ as I like to call him – cause we’re best buds like that) has affirmed that we as a nation, as a people, have lived up to his vision and in short have done ‘great’. Suck on that all you liberal hippie traitors!

PA-KIS-TAN!!! PA-KIS-TAN!!!

P.S. I’m not sure the demon has gone back, so if you see Sahir Lodhi in person smack him on the bottom with your palm, if he likes it we’re safe. If not that can only mean the real Sahir Lodhi has been ‘assimilated’ by the demon.

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Categories: Celebrities, Movies & TV

Author:Ali Raza

"Is this the kind of person you want protecting the galaxy?"

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One Comment on “An interview with Quaid-e-Azam – BigPen Exclusive!”

  1. December 23, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    its all sahir lodhis fault

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