Batman Aunty – fixing the people around her one person at a time

Headlines from newspapers of this past week:

“Hairy Sindhi man attacks wife with a lemon juicer when she refused to get legs waxed in the winters.”

“Woman has a nervous breakdown when son tells her he’s gay,” she now thinks she’s a dog and is constantly barking at her husband.

“Mother in law sets daughter in law on fire when she refused to produce a baby within 9 months of marriage.”

Researchers and various aunties have noted a sudden rise in issues and fighting in households, disrupting the peace of our already disrupted society. Coming to our rescue is Aunty Zamani, Karachi city’s very own Batman.

At least he was better than Clooney’s bat-nipples version.

She will be providing counselling in her own house – free of cost for these perturbed individuals.

Upon asking her what exactly led her to bestow this favour upon our society, she stated, “The last straw came when a balding and obese Punjabi man lost his temper at Hyperstar in Karachi and attacked his equally hairy and obese wife with a plastic cricket bat. I was shocked!    

By the grace of God my business has been booming. People come to me to help them get their problems solved,” she told our reporters, her voice welling up with emotion. Here are the first two cases Aunty Zamani dealt with (or tried to).

____________________________________________________________________________________________ 

First victim – Moeed Tariq

The Facts:

  • 26 year old male;
  • Banker;
  • Lives by himself (his mother spoilt him too much when he was a child, now he thinks the sun shines out of his rear).

Moeed Tariq:My girlfriend was angry at me so she made a fake account of me on manjam.com… it’s a gay dating site. Now I get a vulgar, beyond belief, sms’ every 20 minutes. Some even call me in the middle of the night, I think she even drugged me once because I was having doodh soda with her and one of her gay friends and I fainted, when I woke up I found ‘Shabbir was here’ hastily scribbled on my pelvis and my clothes were hanging off the fan.”  

Aunty Zamani: “manjam.com? Gay dating site? Gays date? GAYS EXIST?? Who’s Shabbir ??”

Only the most intrepid of explorers have ever spied one in it’s natural habitat.

(The session was cut short when Moeed ended up counselling a very distraught Aunty Zamani and enlightened her about the existence of homosexuals).

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Second victim – Aunty Fehmida

The Facts:

  • Lives by herself;
  • Husband working in Saudi Arabia;
  • Children all married  (lonely but religious, short and round – eats too much halwa).

Aunty Fehmida:Zamani behn..my tenants are three girls. One of them is a gori, with a very strange accent. I have asked her so many times where she’s from but I never understand her funny way of talking.

They always have the male boys over at their house…

 …my neighbours tell me what obscenity happens at their place.

I’m sure they smoke and do other immoral activities.

Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it though.

I send them a message and told them they not to be have male mens over. If they want to have them over they should leave my house.

 I do them so good and send them kheer (mixed with some water) and leftover biryani made from leftover qorma. And what do I get in return? The girls roaming around in jeans and sleeveless shirts in front of boys who spend nights there.”

When my young daughter was unmarried I used to have cameras installed in there to ensure no one was walking around naked. Didn’t want my daughter to know things about the male body that only married women are supposed to know… Western people have such loose morals you know nah…

They are all of marriageable age and their parents aren’t in Karachi. I feel if they go astray I will not only look bad in the neighbourhood but Allah will be unhappy with me.”

Aunty Fehmida then bursts into tears, while Aunty Zamani consoles her by informing her that Allah will fix everything and either Allah will show these immoral girls the right path towards segregation and regular prayers or He will ensure that if these girls don’t mend their ways Aunty Fehmida – backed by Allah –  will kick them out.

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Categories: A Shot at Love

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.

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