When ‘P’s become ‘B’s

Dear Beter,

Assalamualaikumwa rahmatullah wa barakatahu! That’s how we say “Y’alright mate?” here. You may be thinking I’ve sbelled your name wrong or that my labtob’s ‘P’ had stobbed working but neither case is true. Allow me to exblain.

You remember. Bruv, all those years ago in Breb school in London when I expressed a desire to sbeak the language of Islam, Arabic? Well mate I did it. I backed my bags and saved up enough money to catch a flight to the holiest of lands on the blanet, the only blace where true Islam is bracticed and breached, the only country who subborts the Muslim Ummah and the only home of true breachers since they kill off all kuffars (that’s shias, ahmadis, Christians, hindus and jews).

Sorry I forgot to mention where this utobia is – Bakistan!

The letter ‘P’ – part of a broader Zionist conspiracy.

That’s right bruv, Bakistan is where it’s at! But I was disappointed to see that our Bakistanis have left the right way – the arab way. Instead I found elements of Indian culture in our society! Can you imagine? India! I found our beoble watching kuffars stuff on the telly… stuff like Friends and dance competitions and oh by the beard of a goat! Don’t even get me started on the Zionist media like CNN! Lies bruvver, such lies!

I came here expecting to find myself a wife too – after all I too need a combanion – and I was shocked at what I saw! These slags here go round wearing sleevless shalwar kameezes, tight jeans, tight t-shirts, tons of make ub and lots of eyeliner and attend all sort of barties.

But that’s not the problem. 

The problem Bete mate, is that none of them wear the hijab or the burqa. And that’s just wrong innit? In Islam there’s a concept of burdah whereby a woman protects her modesty.

And what makes things worse is there are these liberals who sbout out all sorts of western political ideas such as tolerance of kuffars – I mean these bakis yeah, they just don’t get… all this liberal lot is out to destroy the peaceful, beautiful religion of Islam! It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

A conspiracy in 3 inch stilettos.

Beoble keeb telling us that the Saudis are out to destroy Bakistan but why would they? They are our Muslim brothers and only want out betterment. If they didn’t want that then why would they be sending so much aid in the form of madrassas which educate kids and brovide them with a home? They even show kids films about jihad! Much better than watching a Zionist Hollywood piece of crap innit?

Therefore I’ve joined this organisation that aims to bring about a global change – its called “For Future Sake” (FFS). We aim to bring about the caliphate system (the ‘p’ is allowed there cos it’s brounounced as ‘f’). Bart of this organisation is to dress, act, walk, talk, eat, bray in the brober manner that is the Islamic way ie the Arabic way cos at the end of the day we are all Arabs innit? After all, Islam began in Arabia and all Arabs are Muslims and since I am a Muslim, I am Arab too.

But I ain’t gonna don no thobe – that’s like wearing one my me mum’s nighties 😀 And that headgear – I don’t know bout you but I think a Nike cab will look better. I mean the idea is to cover your head so cab will do just fine. Besides when I went to Saudi I saw them Arabs wear Nike so it’s cool!

Other work that we do includes teaching children about Islam and the role that they have to blay as guardians of the faith. I remember a lesson where I had to teach them about killing slags that come on tv. Thing with  kids is you gotta know what keebs them habby – in this case I found that I could teach them counting with bullets (not actual ones, but the shiny pink plastic ones! I aint touchin’ no real bullet!).

Let’s be real – not many can.

In language we teach our kids to talk like Arabs. Not necessarily Arabic cos that’s just silly cos when we have Urdu but the important thing is to do like an Arab cos they is the right kind of Muslims. Hence I no longer bronounce my ‘p’; calling a woman by her first name makes her legible to be my wife and since I don’t want no slag I call ‘em “sister”; the holy month of ramazan is actually Ramadan.

There are a few exceptions to the rule – for example Zia Ul Haq isn’t going to be Dhia Ul Haq and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto isn’t Dhulfiqar Ali Bhutto.  But in your case since your name is Peter, I can’t call you that anymore and since yous my mate I know you’ll respect cos I know you’s Christian and respect is something all Christians know about. 

Course I have had some problems with arabicising meself. For instance  I cant tybe in ‘Porn’ anymore – it has to be Born and well that doesn’t always take me to where I want to go innit? Ordering a Bebsi is a joke and some of these “sisters” are so fine, I reckon it’s a sin not to do them cos they’s like my sisters now!

Anyway Bete, this has gone long enough. I don’t know when I’ll write again cos you know I’ve got resbonsibilities now – I gotta train some more kids and abbarently my master has told me I’m to be sent on a special mission that’s going to cause my name to go down in history!

Pretty cool huh? J

Regards.
Abdul Rehman Muslim Shahji Bhutto Rizwan Al-Shaikh Khan Malik aka Mo. xx

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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