Deciding on who to vote for in the Pakistani elections

My stalking portal aka FACEBOOK has recently become a cesspool for a lot of my fellow pseudo intellectuals, each of whom are renowned political scientists, theologians and have all the solutions to issues faced by our beloved homeland, that they have thought up of after taking that ever so enlightening political science class in college. It may be due to my lack of interaction with the outside world, or the result of my imaginary friends Basheer and Zulaikha dumping me, eloping together all the while leaving me alone with my more than impressive Lego collection, Facebook has become personal. If something is posted on my wall, or if an article is shared with me, in my mind that’s a conversation you’re having WITH me. As good as being face to face.

However, recently no one seems to want to talk any more. Sometimes that makes me sad, but other times I know it’s for my own good. Rather than talking WITH me, I’m being lectured. And maybe I deserve it L. After all, I am single handedly responsible for the political clusterfuck in Pakistan these days and I was a moron for ever even daring to support martial law and talking against the blue chip democratic champions that our country has produced since inception. I was definitely a dumbass for cringing when I heard that the people who were returning in 2007 to kick start the democratic engine in our country were the same folks who had such an amazing track record over the past two decades of building the country’s infrastructure, executing a flawless foreign policy and ensuring a sound economy.

But my faux pas doesn’t stop there. I have also made the mistake of recently following Imran Khan blindly. I mean why else would I follow him? A lazy, frito lay eating, cookie munching moron like myself is so easily whisked away by charm that I forgot to question WHY I was supporting him in the first place. The issue that a lot of people have apparently, is not with me supporting the man, its more about the reasons I have put my confidence in him. I have been told by so many of my smart, counter culture and political revolutionist peers that I am not following him for the right REASONS. Because they have been right so many times in the past, this time I’m all ears. Apparently, I like Imran Khan because he was a success on the cricket field. So what if he won the world cup, he played the mere role of a finisher all the while Wasim Akram, Aqib Javed and Mushtaq Ahmed did the hard work of rampaging through the English opening line up and the middle order. Also the fact that he was a decent cricketer and a captain does not ensure that he can run the country down a proper path.

Secondly, his successes as a philanthropist don’t prove anything either. I mean in that line of thinking, Maulana Eidhi should be the one on the pedestal. His reasons for constructing the facility in Lahore were entirely selfish. Once the man lost his mother to cancer, he decided that in order to save himself from being a victim of a similar fate, better start investing in research and offering free treatment as a cover. And honestly, the man was helped a LOT along the way. So that is the second wrong reason for liking him, his efforts as a philanthropist could not have materialized into anything worthy if it wasn’t for the tireless work that was put in by our political leaders back then, each of whom were visiting schools, homes and hosting charity events for the cause.

Thirdly cause he’s the fucking BATMAN!

Another rap around the man is that he is bringing the same old faces into the arena with him while being supported by the “establishment”. How can he bring in any sustainable change without recruiting fresh new faces that are proven leaders outside the political arena, have the smarts of academics, the looks and charm of Hollywood actors and the political will of Nelson Mandela. I mean seriously, people that fit those definitions are a dime a dozen in Pakistan, why does he have to rely on old seasoned politicians who are more of the same?

I can go on and on about the man’s vices but due to the lack of time and severely bruised self esteem I shall stop. And I concede that I have been wrong about my choices throughout my life and as a new year resolution will bring about change in my primary thought process. Facebook friends, contributors to Dawn and the Express Tribune, you talked me into it.

I apologize for all the poor choices I have made in past and I promise you, from this point onwards after giving half a fuck about what you think I will conduct more comprehensive due diligence before LIKING a political figure on Facebook. And before I do so, I will make sure that I post all my reasons on my wall so that you may approve or disapprove of my decision, because I really do care about what you think.

After heeding to all your precious suggestions, I am throwing my support behind a ticket that I KNOW will bring change to my beloved homeland (a small footnote, I am doing this while sitting over 15k miles and a good 400,000 worth of Emirates frequent flier miles away from Pakistan). As I withdraw support from the PTI, I am now backing a proven party that was given a country in shambles and has done everything in its power to keep our vibrant economy growing, our educational sector well equipped with the necessary resources and our unemployment levels at 4 percent. If I have the blessings of all the great visionaries out there, I would like to cast my support for a Asif Zardari/Rehman Malik 2013 ticket.

Caption edited by PTA.

Here are my reasons:

1. Proven Business Men: Both individuals are active in the business community and have run the most productive and profitable entities in their respective economic sectors. Zardari is one of the richest men in the country after implementing cutting edge marketing and operations management strategies for his Nawabshah Bambino Cinemas. One has to wonder why so many aspire to be movie stars when you can get a lot more bang for your buck operating a theatre instead.

Rehman Malik on the other hand is known to operate extremely lucrative Subway franchises in England and also has executed massive real estate deals which have yielded returns that Donald Trump could only dream of.

2. Proven Leaders: Both are seasoned politicians who are extremely popular among the masses and have the uncanny ability to unite political foes. They are very well respected in the political communities and people (both friends and opponents) often turn to them for political advice and strategy formulation. Seriously, they are the Steve Jobs of political architecture.

3. Flawless Foreign Policy: Under the presidency of Asif Zardari, Pakistan has amassed a significant amount of good will from all over the globe. Seriously, the world loves us. Wherever you go, as long as you have a Pakistani flag patched on your backpack or your sleeve, people will go out of their way to give you directions, host you in their homes and ask you to speak at conferences. No matter what airport you go to, you see pictures of Pakistan’s scenic Swat Valley and Discover Pakistan posters. Under this leadership, we can go a step further and before we know it, Pakistan’s northern slopes will be the new skiing vacation destinations, while we scoff at the Swiss Alps.

Besides are skiing instructors are more… bearded.

4. Promoting Pakistan’s image in front of the local and international press: I remember watching a Zardari interview two years ago (cant remember whether it was BBC/NBC or what). The interviewer very craftily asked Zardari about the Mumbai terror attacks, took about 120 seconds to state all the proofs that had been presented in the case, and in almost a deposition like manner asked our beloved president what he planned on doing in reaction to all the accusations that India had lodged. His five word answer that that very crafty “gotcha” question almost made the interviewer tear up:

Zardari: “But they (Indian) haven’t given proof!”.

Now imagine him saying those words and following them up with a smile from ear to ear, who would NOT want this man to address the press for them.

5. And the final reason: I swear, just look at the pictures below. Both these men just piss quality. Who wouldn’t want these faces to be the images to represent us in the civilized world.

So thank you friends, family and people I havnt spoken to in ages for good reason, for enlightening me and teaching me the err of my ways. I really do want to make a genuine effort to mend my ways and hope from this point onwards, every decision that I make meets the cutting edge benchmarks that you have set for me.


 This article was contributed by A.G. Wells.



Categories: The World I Know


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