Headlines you missed in 2011

2011 rocked our news channels like a Pushto actress’s jhatka on top of her skinny yet hairy hero – we witnessed Imran Khan’s Christmas tsunami, Veena ji’s seduction of India, ‘Dr’ Amir Liaqat’s ‘dubbed’ video, Zakir Naik’s epileptic fits on the Quran channel. Our news headlines could give any Lollywood movie serious competition, despite that there were a few things we would have LOVED to read in the papers but sadly didn’t…. until now!

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1- Urdu and acting classes for Bilawal Bhutto Zardari

Did the speech by the spawn of your country’s president leave you wishing the 1947 partition never happened? If the answer isn’t a yes, then you might be in need of a little therapy. Here is a part of said speech (from an Indian channel, embarrassingly enough).

We’ve been informed by our moles that after the speech, Bilawal’s friends started asking him if his parent were related to each other. It was also reported that his teachers and peers started “looking at him funny”.

This “Bilawal problem” as stated so by Dr. Lolita Cucumberwala, a psychiatrist, claims should be solved in the Pakistani way. In other words the solution should be shallow, expensive and a tad useless. Hence, he shall be made to go through acting classes so as to sound more convincing and a little less, like a mentally challenged.

To give the acting classes Daddy jaan, Zardari has asked Tariq Aziz (of the “yeh water cooler aap ka hua fame). Upon asking why he chose Tariq Aziz , Zardari stated that he used to watch Mr. Aziz back in the day when his face was botox –free. He used to admire the
excitement Mr. Aziz could generate in the crowd while gifting water coolers and pedestal fans to average looking strangers. And now want his son to generate the same passion and fervor amongst the people of Pakistan and gain votes.

Oh yeah… who’s been a naughty juicer…oh! You mean the ‘other’ kind of excitement!

Mr. Zardari also said he is emotionally exhausted and doesn’t want to lure PPP supporters with free biryani and qorma, and spiking their drinks with Murree Brewery Gin is expensive (though we’ve been told Z’s best friend owns the brewery). And, he didn’t know of any other way to make the crowd excited, till now. Political analysts are speculating that Tariq Aziz might crumple under this immense pressure and commit suicide or flee to Thailand and get a sex change. But PPP supporters have their fingers crossed and are praying for the best.

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2-Nishan-e-Pakistan for Veena Malik and Mathira Mohammed

Nishan-e-Pakistan is the highest honour given to any civilian in Pakistan based on their achievements that caused world recognition for Pakistan or/ provided an outstanding service for the country (Wikipedia zindabad).

Who could possibly be more deserving than Veena Malik who made the world see that yes Pakistani women, too have two breasts and can very well show them off. And she did it once again by being the item girl in the Channo song.

Her light enabled bra is quickly on its way to making history. The director of the Sotheby’s South Asian art department, Dr. Gemma Sharpe has already shown a deep interest in the lighted bra . “This bra is not only loaded with historic meaning but is also a symbol of the rich culture of this sub continent,” she told us rather emotionally. Ms. Sharpe wants to acquire the bra to wear at her own wedding and resell it later at the auction. “Veena truly deserves Nishan-e-Pakistan for being a cultural icon for Pakistanis,” she adds.

Mathira, (thanks to Vibe Tv) first taught us how to do entertainingly obscene looking yoga poses. She slowly rose to fame as her neck lines lowered, (proving the theory that neck lines and fame are inversely proportionate) her followers and fans are many.

A recent incident involving a slightly drunk fan , upon spotting her at the Golf club on New Year’s eve shaking it away to Shiela ki Jawani, approached her for an autograph on her chest, causing a swarm of old drunk uncles making their way to witness Mathira signing her C- cupped fan’s chest. This caused a testosterone-induced stampede, thankfully there were no casualties reported.

We also don’t know if Mathira signed her fan’s chest or not.

Mathira is now on her way to make waves in McDonald’s land (Amreeka) with the Backstreet boys discovering her through Youtube . They have now asked her to be the model in their next video for their upcoming song based on her “Midnight’s fire”. They were inspired by her delightfully classy late night shows on Vibe Tv.

Summing it up, both these women have done a remarkable job to promote the rights of unmarried, padded bra wearing women in this country and project a positive image of Pakistan especially after all the damage caused by Hakim Ulla Mehsud and they deserve credit.

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3- Jamaat-e –Islami party to introduce art therapy for sexually frustrated boys

After a series of ugly incidents involving hormonal men pinching random female’s left and right butt-cheeks at Sea view (mostly on Sundays) , a Jamat-e-Islami representative , Haji Karim Butt decided to explore this strange phenomenon and try creating harmony by holding art therapy workshops which should hopefully help them vent out sexual frustration in a Shariah compliant way.

Possibly to the tune of ‘Sanwali Saloni’

The classes are free of cost and will be held at Sea View. The boys will be made to draw flowers and only the non obscene looking fruits and vegetables (which means no cucumber, bananas, peaches and oranges) the works made in these classes will be up for sale at Itwaar bazaar.

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.

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2 Comments on “Headlines you missed in 2011”

  1. AG
    January 20, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    So ….. melons… can we draw melons at the class?

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