How to look and act young – 101

I hate birthdays. My own mostly. Now that I’m in my…ahem…. 30s, I’ve reached that dreaded point in my life where I’ve started lying about my age. It’s pathetic, I admit, but what is one to do? The older one gets, the shallower one gets. Now there’s no need to shake your head piously and act like you’ve never lied about your age. We all have. We all want to look, act, feel and BE younger. A piece of advice though: it’s not about make-up people… it’s about an attitude, a persona, a state of mind. Therefore, below I will outline 6 smart ways of making people believe that you’re way younger than they think.

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Listen to hip, happening music and haunt the hang-out joints of the Young

Yep. Gone are the days of music as we knew it. The rock stars, the iconic pop idols, the metal bands etc etc. Enter Justin Bieber. Salina Gomez. Miley Cyrus. And tons more. Whenever I turn on the TV, I see these teeny boppers bopping away. It’s enough to make one want to ram one’s finger in one’s own eye and wiggle it around just to make the pain of their talentless-ness go away. But here’s my policy. If you cant lick ‘em, join ‘em. Your old tales of Van Halen and Def Leppard will only make all the young ones look at you strangely and question the inevitable, “Were you like, born in the like, 80s or something?????” Shameful question.

Shameful times; truth be told.

Never shall we admit our ancient-ness. So trust me, my aged friends. Start appreciating the idiots around you. Nod along to the music playing on the radio. Light up when an 11 year old takes to the stage on the numerous reality shows, compliment them, act like you love them (especially in public). Otherwise be prepared to be labelled “Old Bag”. Furthermore, start frequenting the local teeny bopper joints. In the case of ol’ Islamabad, these would be Hot Spot, Civil Junction, Gloria Jeans and such. You must. It would be wise, my friends.

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Dress young

Imperative. Very very important. And yet so simple. All one needs is a pair of baggy jeans fastened at the knees. Jeans tied at the waist (as God did intend) are for fuddy-duddies.

Blasphemy!!!

So go ahead. Throw all your doddy old clothes out that window. Work on the jeans, my wrinkled chums.

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Pouty Lipped Pictures

Now this is most important so pay attention. Facebook is a global phenomena. Use it wisely and thou shalt be the beneficiary. One of the rules of the ever young is the Pouty Lipped Picture with the backward V sign. Very in and very cool . Take one hundred such pictures (yourself if you must), plaster them onto Facebook and get ready to be transported to Neverland. If you don’t know how to carry such a pose off, you know nothing and you shall remain an old hag for the remainder of your days. So for your benefit, I, the magnanimous, have pasted such a picture below.

Study it. Pore over it. Memorize it. It shall serve you well as you progress further over the hill.

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Uz da lingo of da day

U must do dis in order 2 appear yung if u dnt no 1 wil take u seriously. Dere wil b dose who dnt preciate ur effortz but 2 hell wid dem. Dey can go suck on a roten eg. Bc dis is da most imp thing 2 do. All yung pplz do dis. Also b-lo is a list of da lingo u must use if u want evry1 2 think ur yung & cool

* LOLZ (most important)

* That’s so ill / sick (it actually means cool or WOW)

* OMG and WTF

* BFF (Best Friends Forever for all you ignoramus’ out there)

* Rides / Kicks (SNEAKERS!! Who’d have thought???)

* Dope (which in our day meant …DOPE) – …now means cool

* Fly (Hot. Not “gurram” you squares! As in de-si-ra-ble. As in a hot chick is now “fly”)

The evolution of language… it’s all downhill from here.

Also u mst talk abt latest tcnology n gajjets lyk i-phonez, wi-connect, tiny computerz n other such crap. I admit I hv 2 work on dis as I no nutthin abt such stuf. I stand out lyk da sorest of thumbs wen such conversation happenz as I’m vry duh in dese matterz. Don’t let dat happen 2 u

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Lie

Even to those who grew up with you. Even to those who went to school with you. To your parents, to your siblings and most importantly, to your significant other. But remember to always do this with the straightest of faces. Never mention your year of birth on your facebook page. Never let anyone see your ID card. If anyone asks you how old you are, immediately say (without missing a beat) “29” or “16” or whatever suits you. Do not hesitate or the cat will be out of the bag. If your friends insist you are lying, tell them THEY are lying.

I’m not going bald!! It’s called a high forehead asshole!

And if some stupid young cluck dares to call you “Aunty” (as I recently was), slap ‘em hard (don’t let anyone see you doing this or your guilty secret is out). In time, people (and you, yourself) will start believing these lies. Or half-truths as I like to call them. After all, age is JUST a state of mind.

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Most importantly, you must LOVE Edward Cullen (the Do-Gooder Vampire of Twilight fame)

This is a given. No self-respecting teen or tween hates Edward Cullen. So be warned. If you express your distaste and distress over the brooding (annoying) and morose (annoying) Edward Cullen, you’ve signed your own death warrant, people.

Now if only somebody would sign his.

That’s a sure tell-tale sign if ever I’ve seen one. It just goes to show that you’re as old as the hills with two feet hanging in the grave. Swoon and salivate if you must. It’s all part of the entire “young” persona.

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So there you have it. A sage and wise compilation of ways to stay eternally youthful. We at Big Pen thrive in helping you put your best foot forward. Community service is our middle name.

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Categories: The World I Know

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!

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4 Comments on “How to look and act young – 101”

  1. Ibrahim
    May 5, 2016 at 11:33 pm #

    HA HA HA HA!

    I absolutely adore your writing style. Never have i read such original , quirky….. & quite honestly…. riveting writing.

    You are a league of your own.

    Beautiful, incisive & erudite!

    Simultaneously!!

  2. February 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    hahaha @ ur post, but wot a shame not many audience to clap at your sense of humor, next time play an audio file like the one they have on TV talk-shows — No audience yet a big laughter.

    On ‘dress young’ I don’t mind seeing a crack on GoodGolly MissMolly’s cutge butts but not a dingy bongy jeans which looks like the guy is wearing Huggies and that too fully loaded. Yuck.

    I think you forgot to mention wearing a baseball cap in reverse so that people can’t make out whether you are coming or going?

    “Attitude, a persona, a state of mind” is fine but wot about ur appetite? Would you go crazy for junk food or prefer the culinary cuisine? I don’t mind ice creams but, I cannot survive on burgers and hot dogs, occasional thin n’ crispy pizzas are OK but no Putin or Beaver Tails. I eat everything that is fattening and lucky to have a high metabolism rate to burn the calories without moving my butt.

    On lying: Remember your significant other can become a bitter half and how long can you hide your ID’s and your PP’s from them?

    Follow me on twitter Javed Ali Khan or badnoc@hotmail.com

  3. Khalid
    February 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    LMAO ! here are a few things that you actually CAN do without looking like an idiot speaking “da lingo ov da day”. Try it with your younger friends to make them feel miserable.

    1) Talk about how much it sucked when you couldnt buy cigarettes/ beer legally !
    2) Tell them that your first car was just as trashy or that your first apartment was “like a shoe box”.
    3) Ridicule Nicki Minaj … and her followers, while praising the 90s (I bet you already do that).

    Btw I really like your website & the whole idea behind it. I was reading the rest of your posts and I realized that I’ve probably been in touch with you or your family back in the 90s.
    As a possible sign of early midlife crisis, I bought a pair of green pants a few days ago. The next day I was walking down the street when somebody called me n said “Hey green pants, you wanna watch a comedy show? ”

    Khalid

  4. sal
    January 31, 2012 at 11:25 pm #

    Lolzzz:P loved it!!!

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