4 technological advancements that have ruined my life

# 4 – Email

I’m no fan of writing letters. The idea of sitting down poring over a sheet of white paper, marking it with black ink, documenting recent events, thoughts, feelings really isn’t my cup of tea. Not because I don’t find it romantic I just find it a waste of time. I guess I’m more of a postcard type of a person – short, simple and mildly sweet. So one would think that email would be right up my alley in terms of communicating. NOT SO! Email has made my life a living hell.
Tell that to the guy about to be crushed by the fucking @ symbol.
There is no excuse for not replying – not even a “oh you probably got my address wrong” thanks to the bloody message notification service. Email causes one to reply instantly and given that so many smartphones now ensure you get your mail on the go, if it isn’t a text message buzzing away, guaranteed it’ll be another “IMPORTANT” or “URGENT” email which you’ll simply have to reply to there and then. No breathing space. No thinking time. Nothing. Received mail. Reply now. Write email. Send now. What if I don’t want to reply to an email then? I’ll get another one asking if I’ve received the previous one. If that isn’t enough for me to hate email I don’t know what is.
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# 3 – Facebook

Okay I admit I enjoyed it. When my dear friend set up my account ooh wee! I couldn’t get enough of it. There I was updating my status much like the BBC, every hour on the hour. I put up 3 albums in one day. I ‘Liked’ and joined every group that was suggested to me. I wished every birthday, commented on almost every friend’s picture. I mean I was the ultimate Facebook geek (without the chic). But then one day, the affair ended. I realised what a fucking waste of time it was.
Tell that to the 10 million people who have yet to figure it out.
The relationship had soured. I couldn’t put up with late night internet dramas because I had to give my darling Facebook account the time it deserved after a long, hard day. I was no longer amused by its childish whims such as “Friend suggestions”. Its seduction techniques including how many compliments I got on my profile picture repulsed me. When I stopped wishing people happy birthday, the bloody site made my friends into frenemies. As far as I was concerned it was over. But Facebook turned out to be the one love I never quite got over. Having left Facebook I was haunted by the stupid networking site everywhere I went. Anything I bought and every service sold themselves on face book “Like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/nobodywillloveyoulikeme”. So now where do I find myself doing when I could be out saving the world? Fucking Facebook.
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# 2 – Mobile phone apps

I love stationery. I still have pens and pencils that I received as presents when a child. The sterling silver pen I used to sign my marriage certificate is a treasure I will pass on to my child (provided I don’t lose it along the way and more importantly he doesn‘t chuck it off as a trinket). I quite like making little lists on coloured bits of paper (thanks to a childhood decorated by Hello Kitty) and dotting my desk with yellow post it notes. It makes me feel important. So imagine the crushing disappointment when one fine evening I skipped over to the husband with a lovely pink coloured paper complete with a list of groceries only to be told that I didn’t need to WRITE things anymore.
Hello!! Writing is like so last century girlfriend!
All I had to do was type them up into a smartphone who not only kept the list for a required period of time but also acted as a reminder. The thought of chucking all my stationery out of the window like a shattered piece of rainbow only to replace it with a cold, shiny plastic covered smartphone was enough to make me go out and buy enough stationery to last 2 years.  Tree huggers and tech-savvy people can stick to their apples, I stick to pen and paper.
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# 1 – X box

There was once a time when ladies feared another woman competing for their prince charming but those days are now long gone. Ladies, we now have a competitor who comes in the form of a box. Perfect for the male species who require very little thinking power but this box is actually more lethal than any other living thing. I refer to it as the “sex box” and sadly my husband quite likes the nickname. I’m talking about the damned X Box. Not only has it ruined many a marriage – “how do I compete with a box?” – but it has also prevented many a marriage (in some cases the consummation). What is it about this damned console that keeps our men at bay from us beautiful women?
Two words… MASS EFFECT! Sorry ladies, you’re welcome boys.
How can a virtual game keep their minds so occupied? Yes we know women are the smarter sex but to be outdone by a box is causing us to reconsider the development of the human race. I mean what do I need to do to get my man to give me the same attention he gives that bloody box? And I mean hours and hours of attention! And lets not even get started on the care he takes of the mindless machine – cleaning, polishing… even tucking it in at night. What I’d give to get him to clean his mess up after he’s had a romp with the bloody sex box in the lounge. Guess I just have to wait for the machine to die… by accident of course.
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Categories: Science & Tech

Author:Mehr F Husain

Mehr F Husain was Features Editor of The Friday Times. She lives out of a suitcase.

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One Comment on “4 technological advancements that have ruined my life”

  1. Naeema Bax-Kanaan
    February 26, 2012 at 12:37 am #

    Wow how true all this is!!! Though im fortunate that my husband is against game consoles. But he has something worse: the iPad! I curse the day I agreed that the iPad was better than a watch to give as a present from my parents to my husband… the first thing my husband does when walking into the house is not remove his jacket or shoes or even breathe, but to open up his iPad. It would have been worse had I not forbidden him from taking the damn thing outside the house (crime statistics are so much fun)…

    Love your post Mehr! 🙂

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