Bad news is not the best. In fact, I feel confident enough to say all bad news is the absolute worst. I know you’re all, ‘I thought this was supposed to be a humour site, LOL’, and I assure you I haven’t forgotten. But we’ve all had our share of bad news. I remember falling to pieces when Ross first cheated on Rachel with that skank from the photocopy place; it was the end of romance as I knew it. And history will quote the massive breakdown we as a nation had when we lost that T20 match to India in 2007. If I were JLo I’d have immediately run out and married my backup dancer (not to self: get backup dancers). Or take real life for example, my friend Danyal was recently told by his girlfriend that she is still in love with her ex. Now for someone who was all ready with a ring for the next time he saw her, this was bad news. To the girlfriend I’d like to say these wise words of wisdom from the title of a Cosmo article: Your Ex is Your Ex for a Reason.
Like that time he gave nibbling your ear a whole new, and literal, meaning.
However, we are human, and have evolved into resilient beings that can stand the test of time, Dengue, that Cool Cool Afridi ad and every single time a politician tells us to tune in to his presser as he has some major industry spoilers, only to be entertained by renditions of Munni Badnam, if we pay enough attention.
Fortunately, there are ways to cope! No, I shall not tell you to take secret Snickers bars to bed. I have certainly never done that. I think as modern men and women, we have far greater tools at our disposal than candy and reruns of My Best Friend’s Wedding. Man. I really need
to let the ‘90s go.
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First step, kids: Denial
And before you exert yourself, we all know Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial is though those people who live across from that stinky naala in Boat Basin and insist that the fumes from all the waste are not bad at all. Yes, yes, you built a nursery over it. That’s very special. Anyhow, denial has worked great for anyone and everyone over the ages. For instance, do you remember how in the first year of its existence, that work of architectural magnificence otherwise known as the Clifton Underpass had completely flooded during that year’s monsoons? I think a few people drowned there too. His royal mayorness, Mustafa Kamal had said to newspapers that night: ‘Everything is under control’.
And others whom the PTA forbids us to name.
Do you see the simple brilliance of this tactic? If you don’t acknowledge it, it’s not a problem. If it’s not a problem, you don’t have to fix it. Next!
Who this has worked for:
Komal Rizvi. I’m pretty certain someone heard her sing that song Sagar circa ‘93 and told her, ‘hang on to your day job, Kuhmal (as that is the pronunciation she had provided us at the peak of her career in the olden days that one loves to reminisce about. The ‘90s, in case you wondered), snick snick LOL’. Did Kuhmal give up her dream of becoming songbird to Pakistan and beyond? No. She got some voice lessons and a reality show on which we got to watch her eat boiled egg snacks. Next thing we know, she’s on Coke Studio and paying homage to Adele in a cover of Someone Like You. In Urdu.
When you should employ it:
This summer when the main electricity line to your home becomes faulty and you spend over 336 hours of your life calling KESC/Wapda and hoping KESC workers call off that strike. Take that, James Franco. Just pretend you’re on a tropical vacation and this is local weather. A week’s supply of groceries rotting on the table? Why you didn’t even notice!
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Put some lipstick on it
You know, if I had a penny for each time my mother like, totally invaded my space during my adolescence as I listened to my Megadeth tapes and told me I might feel better if I took a shower and brushed my hair, I would be vair, vair poor. My mother did not notice the black period my adolescence was, but I understand how being bummed is a situation that can spiral into a cacophony of bad decisions and hair that makes everyone uncomfortable.
Hey… it was the 80s.
But as history, and that timeless classic She’s All That has taught us, a major makeover can work wonders. You will not only be able to stand up to bullies, you may also land yourself a Freddie Prinze Jr. which I can safely say has been my number one dream when I was 17. My number two dream was to be a world famous psychic.
Who this has worked for:
Lainey Boggs in She’s All That, obvs. Fawad Khan’s deviated septum. Anjali in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, as where did she stand with Rahul pre-flatiron and lipgloss? Which reminds me, Hasan Jahangir has bumped and grinded back into our lives with a full soundbyte on a music channel, in which he is wearing a very becoming shade of frosty gloss.
When you should employ it:
Works best after a breakup, and if you’re a fading popstar. Perhaps try cleaning up in everyday life too.
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Jolieing: Not just for idiots
The clear star at the Oscars this year, as we all well know by now was Angelina Jolie’s right leg. Perhaps she wanted us to ignore the fact that Brad had as usual neglected to wash his hair, but mostly it was her trying to get us to ignore all the Star magazine covers that insist she is a closet eBay addict who steals her kids’ chewy candy.
Perhaps it was to draw away attention from the rumour that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. Whatever it was, it worked. I couldn’t think of any of my usual burning Angelina Jolie questions such as ‘does she sleep in a coffin?’ as I viewed her red carpet pictures as I was too busy wondering if it’s possible to walk with your leg stuck out at that angle. Is it?
Who this has worked for:
Angelina Jolie! Everyone was too busy gawking at her leg to ask her whether she really made Brad Pitt cry when she told him she’s off to see the wonderful Billy Bob Thornton. This is a great diversion tactic, and your blood flow will probably become static from the posturing, hence taking your mind off things when a) said leg becomes numb, and b) said leg returns to life with pins and needles.
Or a lightsaber!
When you should employ this:
Every social situation where older ladies tell you how ‘healthy’ you’ve become, or ask you ‘kya kapra kam par gaya tha?’ pointing at your perfectly modest sleeveless kameez.
Big Pen 
I know right.
im feeling bad for danyal.