Pakistani cricketers that need to be BEATEN!

We Pakistanis are a fickle nation. As fickle as fickle can be. And proudly so, may I add. Now take cricket, for example. Our most beloved sport. We’re ape over it. We’d happily commit murder over it. We’d sell our souls to the devil for it. When the boys win a match, a fawning nation rejoices and pays glowing tributes to the genius’ that make up our team. For example, when we recently white-washed England in the Test series. Some of the loving remarks heard were:

“We’re the best!”

“World Cup 2015 is ours!”

“Haha! Defeated the world’s top team! Who’s the best now?!”

“Sucks to India!” (????? They weren’t even playing us!)


Aata boys!!!

However, when the lads let us down (as is often the case), the bashing begins. Suddenly everyone becomes an expert. Everyone has an opinion. Cussing every individual player becomes the norm and the great Pakistani tradition of “pinning the blame” begins. It began this time round soon after the whitewash, because we were comprehensively thrashed in the ODIs and T20s that followed. An angry nation blasted the boys:

“Unpredictable buggers!”


“Paisa kha kur bethey hain!”

“Bloody Indians!” (Give us a break, okay, the memory of our World Cup loss is still fresh)

Next WC your ass is grass!

I admit that I’m probably the absolute worst of the pack. My shallowness and turncoat nature knows no limits. My un-sportsman spirit reaches phenomenal heights. My anger and outrage at the beloved boys is unmatched. Below is a list of the fellows who, in my opinion, were responsible for our undignified T-20 loss in Abu Dhabi recently.


MISBAH-ul-HUQ The Great

Misbah needs to save face and retire from T-20s and ODIs. Better yet, from cricket altogether. He should invest in a mango plantation, buy a couple of cows and spend the remainder of his days stretched out on a char-pai, narrating tales of his glorious “tuk tuk” days to a few worthy side-kicks. And while he’s at it, he can write a book. Justifying how it wasn’t his fault that we lost the World Cup final to India or the recent deciding T-20 match in Abu Dhabi. I mean he could have atleast hit a 4 on that last bloody ball. Atleast we could have lost with some semblance of dignity. Noooo. He had to get and get himself clean bowled. Idiot!

WHY must it always be him who faces the last ball? WHYYY!!??!


Umar Akmal The Beauteous

Umar Akmal has green lips. Have you noticed? But that isn’t the only thing that makes him stand out. Another attribute would be…..his absolute incompetence and lack of professionalism. In short, Umar Akmal is a nincompoop extraordinaire.

He doesn’t realise it… but that bat’s sneaking up on him.

There is no debate about that, I am sure. He stands behind the stumps looking useless, dropping catches, calling out the most asinine of remarks and smacking his ‘beautiful’ green lips. One is reminded of a baboon (the red-assed variety) that does nothing all day but scratch.


Boom Boom the Juld-Baaz

Boom Boom is always in a hurry. Always. He comes. Hits a six. Or a four. And departs. Methinks maybe he has bowel issues and has to rush to the loo every five minutes or so. Why on earth he’s even referred to as Boom Boom now is BEYOND me. He should be known as Fool. Or Punk. Or Id-jit. One is tempted to ram one’s own head into the nearest wall upon his arrival at the crease. Because we all know that aint gonna last long. One minute he’s hit a six and everyone is rejoicing and the bowler is looking stumped.

Dhoni ki dho-di… enjoy it while you can.

The next minute he’s OUT! CAUGHT! STUMPED! BOWLED! RUN OUT! Everyone is cursing and the bowler is pumping his fist in victory, mouthing “UP YOURS, Boom Boom!” And off goes Boom Boom hanging his head and swinging his bat as if he’s just completed the innings of a century.


Mohamamd Hafeez the non-batsman

Hafeez, my lad, one inning doth not maketh a great batsman. If you play 20 innings, and score in one, then you’re as good a batsman as my 8 year old nephew is. And that’s all there is to say about Hafeez.

And there you have it. A comprehensive synopsis of the Greats that make up our illustrious team. It makes one wonder who the smart guys are who’ve hand-picked these wonderful talents!

The Pakistan Cricket Board moments before the poo flinging begins.



Categories: Sports & Fitness

Author:Alliya Iftikhar

Is still working on a by-line!


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4 Comments on “Pakistani cricketers that need to be BEATEN!”

  1. nudge-umm
    March 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    some names to suit these g-rats :p

    miss-ball ul haq

    bum bum eff-ready

    oh-murr akmal


  2. Faiza
    March 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    LOL. loved this.

  3. March 7, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    Loved it! especially that “Boom Boom Juld-baaz” part..couldn’t agree more. 😀

  4. March 7, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    How’s “Don’t know jack about kirkit” for a byline?

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