The Collector (On art and the people who put it up)

Champa Chinioti begum decided one cold winter afternoon that she needed a new painting for her second drawing room. They had just moved into a new mansion at Khyban e Muhafiz . And Champa begum was always on a mission to prove to the world that she was tasteful , classy and of course richer than everyone else. And so, what better way to prove that than to drench your walls with expensive art that doesn’t make sense to anyone ?

Champa and her husband set money aside every month with the sole purpose of entertaining and impressing pseudo intellectual social climbers, with botox on their face and butt fat on their lips.

Once, she even read up on Jackson Pollock , 30 minutes before the guests were due to arrive. and bought his name up as many times as she could during the night just so she could sound cultured. She also learned art terms like modernism, contemporary and expressionism. This new expansion in her vocabulary combined with the hair removing laser therapy on her face made her feel like a brand new person, that her tarot card reader predicted she would become.

By brand new person it means sex change.

After straightening her bleached hair ( she might run into someone at the gallery), she sat in her car and told her driver to go to one of the galleries, which was showing the work of some Ehsan-ul-haq. While stuck in traffic on the 26TH street her friend Zulaikha Laptopwala’s words started replaying in her head . ‘Champa dolrink , don’t be going to the known galleries run by educated curators. They’re art is too modern type . Go to that shop in Khadda market , they have such pretty paintings. You can even give in your own color combination and your own subject. I, too get a calligraphy piece done in red and parrot green . All the peoples I knows goes theres.“

But even though the proper galleries’ art was too modern it was still a good place to be seen. Finally after the traffic cleared up her driver made his way to the gallery- she pushed the door open and yelled“ HAI ALLAH AMII” at what she saw in front of her , in front of her was a real life rooster, tied to a nail right in the middle of the sunny room, trying to eat the corn on the ground

Bet you didn’t think we could find a picture to along with it huh?

The color drained from her face and her heavily done eyes popped out in shock and confusion. And slowly as the shock and fright faded away she felt a sharp pang of disappointment as she realized she wouldn’t be able to purchase this ‘art piece’.

She made it a point to hide this disdain as cleverly she could and pretend she loved this show. She started reciting the words she was going to use in her breath : modern… bold … exciting… mind blowing.. tempting . quivering (she got her English language lessons from the Mills and Boons novel, hence the limitations).

Somehow most people never made it beyond the covers… obviously.

She stood there in silence and practiced her critique on this show under her breath . ‘ totally captivating, so modern, cutting edge… her eyes then fell upon the comment book , she quickly latched onto that and didn’t let go till she had memorized all the intelligent looking comments that included words too big for her comprehension. Her disappointment soon changed into excitement as she realized how impressed her guests would be once they hear her talk about her experience in the afternoon. The first thing she did as she sat in the car was to write down her ‘thoughts and views’ on the ‘modern’ installation she just saw. After a few minutes of intense scribbling , she very proudly started down at her notebook reading the words she wrote. ‘ I got my mind blown by cock art today.”



Categories: The World I Know

Author:Emaan Mahmud

Emaan Mahmud has been told by her mother that she'll never get a good rishta if she keeps up with these blogs.


Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

15 Comments on “The Collector (On art and the people who put it up)”

  1. April 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

    very interesting! 🙂

  2. mohsin
    March 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    i loved reading it 😀 super bravo!

    thumbs up for you :))

  3. March 29, 2012 at 12:42 am #

    that my complete name btw. Amna Fazal. and like all good women i dont give out my first name.

  4. Amna
    March 29, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    Beta. i am sending a copy of Baheshti Zewar your way. Once you learn some ethics maybe you will learn how to blow the islamic way.

  5. Tashfeen majeed joseph lyallpuri
    March 28, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    True very true symbolic and different

  6. March 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    thank you 🙂

  7. March 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm #


  8. Bader Munir
    March 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    simple, hilarious and close to reality !

  9. Zainab Ali
    March 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    Loved it Emaan! this is really hilarious.

  10. Samayah abdi
    March 27, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    Now this is a BLOG:)….emaan mehmud would be lucky, if she does not get a rishta….. 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: